Tag: worry

all about me, school

one down, three to go…

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So my first semester of nursing school is in the bag; we had our final last Wednesday, and the next semester starts promptly tomorrow… not much time for a break, eh? Oh well, that’s what accelerated means! Either way, I am proud to have made it through the first semester intact, but my stress hasn’t dissipated.

It’s weird, because looking back on my grades from the past semester, a big part of my stress comes from the fact that this truly is something that you can’t study your way out of. In most every class I’ve ever taken, if you study harder, you do better, but in nursing school, it seems like sometimes, that doesn’t even matter. Sometimes you (at least feel like you) know the concepts like the back of your hand, and tricky questions throw you off, and instead of acing the test, you sit there staring at a B, wondering what went wrong. Funny thing is, that the ones you missed are often times the questions that you would often have answered the exact same way again; even though you know the correct answer isn’t the one you chose. I have been working on learning how to beat these tricky questions, and I haven’t figured out a fool proof method yet. From what I have heard from pretty much all my nursing friends, is that this is a hallmark of nursing school, and while it is difficult to grasp, eventually, I will be able to master them. Here’s hoping that’s true, because it’s more than frustrating at times.

I just hope that I can keep doing what I am doing, and keep doing well, because being a nurse means a lot to me, and the more I go through this process, it seems to matter more and more with each day. Here’s to repeat success in this rapid summer semester, and continued success in each subsequent semester that follows!

all about me, school

worrywart

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That might as well be my middle name.

Ever since I can remember, I have worried, and worried, and worried about everything. Crap that I can control, crap that I can’t control, crap that I shouldn’t even worry about; I even worry that I worry to much.

However, I can’t seem to turn it off. I just can’t. *insert very frustrated face here*

That being said, I have made it past the half-way point of my first semester of nursing school, and while I am doing well, I find myself worrying about my future. Will I be able to get a good job? Will I be able to get into a good BSN program, and then a MSN program? Will I be able to do what I want to do? Worry, worry, worry.

I sit around and think about these things all of the time, there’s no stopping me. I wish I knew how to shut down, and relax, but I think I’m just hardwired to worry. So I guess I’ll just worry, and try not to worry about it. Ugh.

Either way, things are well my way, and I feel bad about neglecting this here blog; but I’m not going to add that to my big ole pile of worry, because that would just be silly, because I clearly have more than enough to worry about already.

all about me, school

first day of clinical tomorrow

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So as the title of this post indicates, tomorrow is my first day of nursing clinical rotations at Grady hospital.

I am officially freaked out; mostly because I don’t know exactly what to expect. I am just hoping that fear/stress turns into confidence/belief in myself very early on in the day, because while, deep down, I know I can do this, I am filled with doubt and worry.

I guess that’s normal, but I still don’t like it. Not one bit.

all about me, school, venting

…deep breath… put on a smile… there you go…

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So after looking back over the requirements for applying to GSU (again), it looks like I have to take two MORE classes BEFORE the program semester in which I am applying. I knew that I had to take them, but was unclear if I had to take them BEFORE the program started. Oh well, because there is no way I could have done anything about that before this spring anyway, because they have to be taken AT GSU, and I only got in recently for spring. So, I guess I will just take them in the spring, and postpone applying to the program, and instead, apply for fall; which is definitely frustrating, but not the end of the world. Seriously, it just seems like so many hurdles to go back to school; no wonder there is a shortage of nurses. They make it so difficult to do something simple (such as fulfill requirements), and it seems like time has got to be your friend… you need it to get where you can finally get into a program. Also, it is so difficult to work and go back to school… people that do it really know what I am talking about. Thank GOD my job is flexible.

Given this bad-ish news, the good news is that I did apply to KSU, and I don’t know the status of that application. I REALLY hope that I can get in there, which would make it more attractive to go there; I could start next summer. I like the idea of going to another school too, because I have already been to GSU; even though going to GSU is so much closer to my house. Additionally, I am scared shitless about what I am going to do for money during the time that I am school; I have no idea how to supplement my salary without working. I don’t want to take out a shitload of loans, but it seems like that might by my best option as of right now. I wonder how much they let students borrow; especially if they have loads of loans already under their belt? I guess I will find out, and then freak out accordingly. Again, how do people do this?!

I just feel so tied up, and I feel like I am wiggling, and wiggling, but the ropes are only slightly loosening. I just want to get there, and it seems like I have spent over a year of doing nothing but hurrying up to wait more… and all that lies before me is more waiting.

It’s just frustrating. Really, really frustrating. However, I KNOW that I just have to take deep breaths, put a smile on my face, and keep moving. But that doesn’t make it easy to do so. I guess I should just keep repeating that to myself, because days like this, it is really, really hard. Sorry to have a downer of a post, but eh, there it is. I’m dealing, so that’s all I have for you. Maybe something more upbeat will put a real smile on my face soon… here’s hoping.

get involved, hmm interesting, is it just me?, listen up!, the catch-all-egory, well?

end of days?

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Seriously though… with fire taking it’s toll on the west coast, and drought taking it’s toll here; things are getting eerily like the end of days…

My thoughts are with all those in the west that are being affected by these fires; I hope that the situation is under control soon. Just looking at this map makes me scared. I hope that everyone gets to safety, and that their homes are okay.

As for our drought situation here, it is really good that it is finally raining. We went up to the lake this weekend, and the last public boat dock for Lake Lanier even had two out of the three lanes shut down. I have to say, I wonder why there isn’t more planning and action taken into account when things like water are threatened for a major area, like Atlanta. I mean, it isn’t like we can actually do without water; and I am not talking about watering lawns and stuff. It really makes you realize how lucky we have it to live in a country that takes things like water for granted… that is, until the real threat of it going away is on the horizon!

I hope we can get this situation under control soon… and that gregarious misuse is punished appropriately!!! Thomas hooks us up with the numbers to call if you see water misuse; we need to save in every way we can, right?

Here’s hoping that we can get all of these crazy “end of days” type situations under control soon!

all about me, hmm interesting, is it just me?, near and dear

I think that I expect too much sometimes

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Perhaps all of the time.

I think that I get my feelings hurt, or am disappointed, because I expect too much. Is it possible, that I put too much thought, guilt, worry, or anxiety into relationships, so much so, that I inadvertently cause the situation to go all weird? I wouldn’t think that this would be the case, because if it were, it would be the standard; and it isn’t.

I mean, I really don’t think that I do any of this outwardly, or even on purpose, but for whatever reason, I feel like there must be something that I do that makes people change. It is the only solution that I can come up with, although, it is really the only one that I can truly substantiate if it is reality. Again, I probably am over-analyzing things, but what if I am not? What if there is something that I do, something small, that causes these changes in my relationships with other people?

Maybe I expect too much. I don’t think that I do, but maybe I do… Maybe that is more of the problem than the actual situations that I find myself in from time to time; expecting too much will always mean that I am the one that is let down. I don’t know how I find myself here all of the time, but here I am, and it really upsets me. It really breaks you down to feel this way so much, and very rarely gain any resolve for the situation.

So why do I keep doing it? Why can’t I stop thinking for one minute, and just let things travel on their own? I honestly don’t know, but I know that I have always been this way, and if it is the problem, it is more than frustrating; it is debilitating and very upsetting, especially because it is unconscious. I want to just exist in a place where I am involved with people that understand me, and I don’t spend a lot of my time over-analyzing actions, words, or the lack of either. I don’t think that it is paranoia, because I am definitely experiencing it; but I do think that it could be that I expect too much sometimes.

I’m just going to put on my headphones, listen to some music, and try to forget myself for a little while. I am clearly thinking too much this morning. To top it all off, Sydney isn’t feeling well, and we had to take him into the vet yesterday for an IV and some tests. After they brought him out, I was holding him, and he just pissed all over me; without warning. Poor little guy. I just hope that he is feeling better soon… I know that my wallet would be happier as well.

all about me, near and dear, tragic

it’s taking it’s toll…

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Life, that is.

Eh, to say it’s “one of those days” would be a vast understatement. Sometimes I just feel like this, and it sucks. It doesn’t go anywhere, and then a few hours/days/weeks, it’s back to normal (or at least semi-normal). It is just enough to make you never want to get out of the bed again. Never interact with anyone again. Just enjoy your potato bagel with jalapeno cream cheese in the car, with the AC on blast, and the Carpenters blaring from the speakers. At least I can take comfort in those three things.

Also, I gave a homeless man a dollar today. I didn’t do it for selfish reasons, I didn’t do it to make myself feel better, regardless of what some might think; I gave it to him because I thought he needed it. He had the sign (they all do), and his said that he was a veteran. He looked like he could have been somebody’s grandpa.

And after I gave him that dollar, what did I feel? Goodness? Joy? Nope. It made me feel selfish. Selfish that I have all of these “problems”, and that I let depression take over me like it is today. It made me feel bad for not giving him more. It made me feel bad that I was sitting in my AC-cooled luxury car, while this man sat on the side of the road in the shade, because he didn’t have access to an indoor space. It just made me feel bad. Perhaps it made me feel more human.

Sometimes, I worry that the things that I take for granted will go away. But, in the state I am in, I am almost too apathetic to care. I’m too upset about the world, about what people think, the war, homelessness, global warming, etc. And it just goes on and on. And yet, I have it so good, but sometimes I don’t even see it. I am grateful, but things like this make me feel bad that I am not more grateful.

All that from a dollar. Some days are just those days… and it’s definitely taking it’s toll on me.