Tag: work

all about me, healthcare, near and dear, nursing, venting

it’s the little things that kill

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On Bush’s Little Things, which hails from their debut album Sixteen Stone (which came out when I was in high school… many mooons ago!), Gavin Rossdale sings, “it’s the little things that kill, tearing at my brain[s] again”. Sometimes, I feel like that song lyric really applies to me, because I do just that more often than I would like; I tend to let the little things get to me, and tear at my brain, bringing me down.

I think I am a pretty easy-going person for the most part, but there are a lot of times when it’s the little things that kill, and get me worked up, and it’s hard to come back down. This occus in more aspects of my life than I would like, but I’ve always been like this, for as long as I can recall.

Today, on my mind, I specifically refer to work for instance; when I am seeing a patient who has (from my perspective) a lack of a discernible stake in their own health care, it really bothers me. It always did when I was a nurse, and it continues to do so now that I am a nurse practitioner. It frustrates me when patients with serious medical conditions have a seemingly lackadaisical attitude about compliance and management of their illness. Sure, I get it, life happens, and I get that you are “busy and cannot come in so often”, but you have a serious chronic condition that if left unchecked, can literally be the death of you. Surely that responsibility is impressed upon most, right? I like to think that it is, but there are many patients that don’t seem bothered by the fact that they ran out of medication weeks ago, and never thought to call the office and see if we could help them in any way. Perhaps it is, in some part, a coping mechanism, fear, or simply ignorance, but when it is a patient that I have seen multiple times, it really tears at my brain how they just don’t seem to have a care in the world, and this “little thing” doesn’t seem like anything important to them. Then, when I am seeing them for their appointment, I get frustrated, and start lecturing them about possible side effects, complications, and all of that, and they just look at me like I’m being mean to them. Then, I get more frustrated. I get that old adage of you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink; but that means being really angry at the horse sometimes.

I know it is my job to educate, and I have learned in the past year of providing care for multiple patients daily, that I will, and continue to, encounter tons of patients that have real medical issues that they don’t want to, or refuse to take ownership of, and deal with, but it really bugs me, because I sincerely want the best for every patient I care for, and their lack of ownership and action on their own behalf stands in the way of that many, many times.

It continues to frustrate me, and while these are little things, and should be more of slight annoyances and things I should just let go, sometimes, I really brings me down, and can make my day less than a happy one. I hope that through my career I learn how to better walk the line between over-caring and complete ambivalence, because the gray area between the two can make even the most compassionate and patient person very frustrated to say the least. Anyone else work in health care feel this same way? I’d be surprised if I’m the only one, because this job can be very trying at times.

Here’s to going forward and trying to not let the little things kill; and hopefully not ruin my day, either.

all about me, blog on blog

time and change

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So wow, I realize now that things are left a little, well, under-attentive in this realm of my life these days. I rarely read blogs anymore, mostly because of work and life stress, and honestly, the use of facebook and instagram make everything much more single serve, and have changed the way we interact with people into a predominately swipe and like, and scroll-through-life existence; all of which I am guilty of over-utilizing. That being said, overall things are pretty good, I have a good job that I actually life (shock and awe!), I have a husband that I love, and three wonderful dogs that get away with far too much mischief. I spend time with friends regularly, and despite the lack of reporting about these good things, I can’t complain about too much. I do have a bit more anxiety that I would prefer about life, but I assume worrying can be healthy as well, as it does a good job of keeping me from being too carefree.

I do wish that I participated in more things that I enjoy (like this blog) more regularly, because I remember when I used to get more out of it. However, due to time and change, things often fall to wayside, and become burdensome or tedious, which is unfortunate, because they still bring some joy. I would sit here and say that I am going to try harder to blog more consistently, but honestly, I doubt I will, and even if I do, I don’t even know if people really still read these things. Perhaps I should just post this on instagram? HA! Either way, I know that time and change have affected many things in my life, and while I am marching on to 40 in a few weeks (!!!), I guess a little self-reflection here and there is warranted, and likely appropriate, don’t you think?

Regardless, I haven’t forgotten about my own little piece of the internet, and I will be occasionally dusting it off and making sure that it isn’t buried in the back of a drawer somewhere, because it does still matter to me; even if it isn’t on the front burner anymore due to life and stress. Who knows, maybe I’ll blog more about work and my crazy patient interactions; being a nurse practitioner can be quite interesting… Either way, consider this a long-winded checking-in of sorts, and til the next time… I’m still here!

all about me, nursing

a little reflection

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A little over 3 months ago, I switched from working at an LTAC, long term acute care, hospital to working in the emergency department. The LTAC was my first job after nursing school, and it was grueling, exhausting, and often very trying. It was no stretch to say that I was kind of miserable a lot of the time. When my contract was up, I was hopeful that I would be able to move to a new area of nursing specialty at the hospital, because I really liked working for this hospital, and I was delighted when I interviewed and was hired to work in the ED. While I was excited, I was also terrified; I had been told by a lot of nursing instructors that I would love the ED, but I was still pretty nervous (especially given my experience in nursing so far), because if this was a bust, what the hell was I going to do?

With that being said, I started on nights, and I really started to enjoy my job. I liked the people working on nights, and actually found that I was getting a lot more satisfaction out of my job; more so than I ever had before. Additionally, I found that I was less unhappy when I wasn’t at work, and I didn’t dread going to work anymore. I think it really hit home, when James mentioned that he noticed I didn’t really complain about work anymore; which is something I was really happy to hear.

As I was hired with the intention of going to day shift, the time came recently for me to go to days, and again, I found myself very nervous. When I switched over to days a couple weeks ago, I was really nervous not only because I had gotten to like working with the night time crew, but also, because I was worried that I was going to dislike anything about days. This had a lot to do with the fact that I had finally found a place I felt like I fit in within nursing. Well, I can certainly say, that while I miss my night time comrades, I find that I have been enjoying working days as well; and a bonus is I don’t have to deal with the fucked up sleeping schedule.

I am pleased that I have found a place in nursing that I actually love, and even more so, that I can actually say that I love being a nurse (most of the time… after all, there are parts none of us nurses like!). That just makes me really, really happy. Things are kinda good, and I am okay with that!

all about me, blog on blog, near and dear

thankful

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It has occurred to me that this year has been quite the tumultuous one, and while I remain extremely stressed most of the time, I have a lot to be thankful for.

James and I have been together 9 years and counting, and I couldn’t be happier. We keep talking about potentially having a child someday, so who knows, maybe we will be parents in the future?!

While we did lose my dear, sweet Sydney this year, which was the worst day of my life by far, we welcomed Charlie into our lives, and it has been quite an adventure. He is pretty good, but when is bad, he can be pretty bad. Poop and pee monster, for sure! Also, please stop chewing on everything in sight, little man!! I still miss Sydney each and every day, and some days are harder than others, but I am just thankful I was able to have a wonderful almost 8 years with him. I love you Sydney!!

We bought a house this year. It was an ironically called short sale, which took a stressful 4 months to complete. We have the house, we don’t have the house, we have the house, we don’t have the house… ACK! Overall, it worked out, and we rented our house to our friend and real estate agent, but it still doesn’t feel totally real at times. This is the house we always wanted, and getting it seems a little dream like, and I guess it is hard to process.

I have been working as a nurse for a year and half now, and I still find that I am not over nursing school. It was a terrible experience that really tore me down emotionally, physically, and my confidence is having a hard time bouncing back. I do feel like I am more proficient in my profession, and I do take a lot of joy home from my job, but there are days that are so intense and they don’t need to be. It just really wears on me at times. I was talking with a coworker recently when it really dawned on me; I have been through a LOT this year, as well as from the beginning of nursing school until now, so maybe a real vacation is in order in the near future.

Finally, I do have to say, that while my anhedonia is a large part of my lack of blogging and participating in my hobbies, I am somewhat content, and I am thankful for the wonderful things in my life. I have an amazing partner, wonderful dogs that love me, a great house that I am trying to realize is a wonderful home, and excellent friends that I get to spend time with. Overall, there is more to be thankful for that not, and that’s something worth noting.

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only 5?

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I was looking last night, and I noticed that I have only written 5 posts for this entire year. Whoa. That has to be a new record low. Thing is, I just don’t spend that much time at the computer anymore because of work. I work those insane 12-13 hour shifts, and then I just want to veg out and relax. Days off are about catching up and not doing anything strenuous. So far, it’s been good, but I am pretty stressed at times because of work; being a nurse is a stressful job, and don’t let anyone imply otherwise.

This year, so far, has been pretty decent (at times). We bought a new house, right across the street, which still sort of doesn’t seem real at times. Also, we got a new family member in Charlie; even though we lost our precious Sydney, whom I still miss each and every day. Overall, it’s been a year of new things, and things are pretty good right now.

I also became a Scentsy certified consultant this year, something that I absolutely adore. What is Scentsy you ask? If you want you can check out the website; I started selling the stuff because I love it so much. My house smells amazing!

That’s really about it. I wish I had more time to spend listening to music and catching up, but it seems like this year is flying by at record speed. Work is taxing and always challenging, but can be very rewarding, which is nice. Charlie is a delight, even though is a poop and pee monster who likes to chew on anything he has in his eye line. He and Pickles get along very well, and I couldn’t be happier about that. I just miss my Sydney something terrible. The new house is a lot to take in, and I am so happy we were able to make this move; even though it was a grueling 4 month process to acquire it! Short sale? How ironically titled.

Anywho… I hope you all out there are doing well, know that I am doing my best to be well, well, as well. Here’s to newness, changes, working hard, and reaping the rewards; and getting sleep and listening to more music on days off!! Now… to get back to my day off!

blog on blog, music musings, music suggestion, song of the day, you tube

sotd: Robyn – Include Me Out

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So yeah, I bet you are wondering (that is if people even still read this poorly updated blog, sorry…) right about now… hey, where’s the year end album countdown? Well, I can assure you of something; it IS coming. I haven’t had time to get it done, because frankly, I work all of the time.

When I’m not working, I am sleeping; this job is one that wears me out majorly, but it is something that I am glad I worked so hard to get into. Being a nurse is incredibly frustrating, tiring, irritating at times, and very, very draining, but it is also really rewarding.

That being said, I am excited about bringing the year end best albums of 2011 to you, but in the mean time, here is a song that I recently rediscovered; it was on Body Talk part 2, but didn’t make the “cut” for the Body Talk album (which was a compilation of the three EPs). This song is incredible! Why didn’t it make the cut, Robyn? Oh well, at least it was on one of the EPs…

Now… stay tuned for the albums of the year… I am going to try and get that up soon!

all about me, britney n' k-fed, concerts, happenings

an update post (of sorts)

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So things have been pretty quiet around here, and for that, I don’t even know what to say. I have kind of been in limbo since I finished school back in May, and after taking the NCLEX, I was happy that I was finally a RN, but honestly, all I could think was, “What next?”. Well, thankfully, I was able to recently interview for a job, and have since accepted a position to be a nurse at a hospital that I really like, and that is close to my house; two major pluses. People keep asking how happy I am, and honestly, I keep teetering between completely terrified, and somewhat excited; yet not much in between. The thought of actually BEING a nurse is a daunting one; one that I am sure will come with time working and experience (two things I desperate wish could happen faster than is possible, which I begrudgingly accept). In the mean time, I am just trying to get used to the idea. I completed orientation last week, and will start on the floor this week; again, very excited, and even more terrified/nervous.

Other than that, not much has been going on with me. Things are pretty good; money is tighter, but hopefully, that will remedy itself soon seeing as the job thing has come to fruition (thank goodness!). Life is pretty lazy, I guess, and that is a good thing, I guess, right?

On a final note, we did end up going to see Britney last night at Philips. Everyone who knows me, knows that I have a soft spot for the pop princess, and while I was glad I decided to go to the show, and really enjoyed it, I have to say, it might be my last Britney concert. At her best, she was clearly only giving about 60-70%, and it was pretty noticeable; especially considering how amazing her Circus concert was a couple of years ago. She looked tired for most of the show, and we even joked that we were at a Sit-ney Spears concert for the first half, because of how many times she just sat down on props, and parts of the stage. I know she’s gotten older, but I think it’s clearly time to switch things up a bit. If she’s not willing to (or cannot) go all out and dance like she used to, and kill it like she used to, then I think she needs a new, revamped act. I still love the girl, and yes, I know she just lip syncs (and no, it doesn’t bother me, so save it if that’s your only comment), but before, she would make up for it with sheer performance and theatrics. This time, there were some theatrics, and a few attempts a dancing, but most of it, she just seemed to want to smile, whip her hair, and prance around. While that’s cute, and I enjoyed it, it wasn’t her best, and if you have her previous stuff to compare it to, it’s just that much more clear, sadly. Either way, it was a fun concert, but it certainly wasn’t her best; and that’s coming from a die-hard fan. Oh well, I guess you can’t win ’em all.

"pointless", all about me, the catch-all-egory

tuesday january 20

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Tuesday, January 20, 2009… a historical date? Looks like it. As someone who is definitely proud to have voted for Barack Obama, I can say that it is pretty cool to have our first black president taking the oath this morning (now, when is spell check going to be updated to recognize his name?). While everyone is a flutter with excitement, I can’t help but just be happy, and nothing more. I have been going through some personal stuff lately, and while I am okay (don’t worry, people!), I am still very ho hum and a bit depressed. Here’s a few random updates so you can get a feel for what’s going on in duaneland these days:

  • I hate when people talk about the weather like it’s a revelation. Yes, I noticed it was cold outside, because I walked through the brisk wind to get into the building; just like you did. Now, can we go back to not talking? There were two women talking at the gas pump this morning about how cold it was, and well, they were just annoying. Maybe I’m just annoyed too easily by things like this, but it is like I have said before, any time you want to point out the completely obvious, just know that you are opening yourself up to my ridicule.
  • James and I have been talking about the wedding, and honestly, the whole thing has caused us to have to re-think the entire event. Yes, we are still moving forward, but I don’t know what’s actually going to happen, nor do I know when. So, just stay tuned.
  • I’ve seen some really entertaining movies lately. That’s always a good thing.
  • I think a lot of my funk has to do with this snail’s pace that life seems to be taking for me, especially with regards to keeping the whole nursing thing going. After not getting into the accelerated program, I have just been met with more and more frustration, but I am determined to keep going. I am applying to two different programs for Fall, so fingers crossed, I will keep moving this juggernaut forward. It’s hard not to feel like Sisyphus right now, which again, is probably a huge part of my frustration/depressive state.
  • Apathy is a motherfucker. It’s got me by the balls right now, and I can’t figure out how to shake it. It makes me think of my friend Michael’s tag line on his LJ; fight apathy! or not… So funny, but so true.
  • I feel like I am just coasting right now, and I think that is part of the problem. I am working on it, but I just wish everything wasn’t an uphill battle. Is it so bad that one might want to just stay in bed all day?!
  • After having issues with my iPod Touch, I decided to restore it, and now, it seems a lot happier, and appears to be working normally. I just wish Apple products weren’t so bitchy when you use them with windows. Seriously, Apple, we like you, but don’t punish us because we cannot afford your amazing, but expensive, computers too.

Enough doom and gloom… I just thought it would be beneficial to get some of this stuff out. I hope everyone has a fantastical inauguration day. Congratulations to the Obama’s is certainly in order, and I for one, hope that the nation gets better because of the fact that they are taking the reigns from here.

all about me, hmm interesting, is it just me?, well?

existential thoughts

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This morning on the way in to work, I think I starting thinking about things, and really started observing everyone around me. We were all on our way somewhere… but why? What was driving us (not the car, I’m not being that literal)?

What drives us, everyday, to stay in the same job, live in the same house, and keep getting back up and going, day after day? I don’t often talk about what I do, but everyone knows that reads this blog, that I am trying to go back to school for nursing; which would certainly mean a change in career at some point. However, this morning, I am thinking to myself; what is driving me?

I thought about this yesterday when I read about the stock market crash, and I really thought about how much money people were losing; money that we are all scraping and saving to put away for that day when we can “finally retire, and start to enjoy life”. Fuck that! I am a realist, and I don’t foresee a time that I will be able to ever afford to supplement the amount of money I make right now with just savings, unless I win the lottery. The only way that I am going to be able to make it, is to work my whole life (which is the story for a lot of people), so retirement is really this “dream” that I am living my whole life for, working so hard for, and I will probably never see it.

So again, I ask myself, “what drives you?”. What is it that keeps you from opening a record store, or having a bakery, or having a website that actually makes money? What drives you to stay on the course you are on, and prevents us from deviating? People have businesses for everything; why not me? I’m not really trying to get an “answer” here, I am just reflecting, and I thought, why not see what other people think about this… what drives YOU? I mean, what makes you go down the path you are on, and what do you think prevents you from changing course, direction, or even stopping right where you currently stand?

Surely, fear cannot be the only thing that drives us… I know that is it in part, but it cannot, it just cannot be it. If it is… I think that I am going to work on having another driving force in my life; overcoming that damn fear.

(side note: I just noticed that this was my 1001th post; interesting.)