Tag: sydney

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thankful

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It has occurred to me that this year has been quite the tumultuous one, and while I remain extremely stressed most of the time, I have a lot to be thankful for.

James and I have been together 9 years and counting, and I couldn’t be happier. We keep talking about potentially having a child someday, so who knows, maybe we will be parents in the future?!

While we did lose my dear, sweet Sydney this year, which was the worst day of my life by far, we welcomed Charlie into our lives, and it has been quite an adventure. He is pretty good, but when is bad, he can be pretty bad. Poop and pee monster, for sure! Also, please stop chewing on everything in sight, little man!! I still miss Sydney each and every day, and some days are harder than others, but I am just thankful I was able to have a wonderful almost 8 years with him. I love you Sydney!!

We bought a house this year. It was an ironically called short sale, which took a stressful 4 months to complete. We have the house, we don’t have the house, we have the house, we don’t have the house… ACK! Overall, it worked out, and we rented our house to our friend and real estate agent, but it still doesn’t feel totally real at times. This is the house we always wanted, and getting it seems a little dream like, and I guess it is hard to process.

I have been working as a nurse for a year and half now, and I still find that I am not over nursing school. It was a terrible experience that really tore me down emotionally, physically, and my confidence is having a hard time bouncing back. I do feel like I am more proficient in my profession, and I do take a lot of joy home from my job, but there are days that are so intense and they don’t need to be. It just really wears on me at times. I was talking with a coworker recently when it really dawned on me; I have been through a LOT this year, as well as from the beginning of nursing school until now, so maybe a real vacation is in order in the near future.

Finally, I do have to say, that while my anhedonia is a large part of my lack of blogging and participating in my hobbies, I am somewhat content, and I am thankful for the wonderful things in my life. I have an amazing partner, wonderful dogs that love me, a great house that I am trying to realize is a wonderful home, and excellent friends that I get to spend time with. Overall, there is more to be thankful for that not, and that’s something worth noting.

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only 5?

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I was looking last night, and I noticed that I have only written 5 posts for this entire year. Whoa. That has to be a new record low. Thing is, I just don’t spend that much time at the computer anymore because of work. I work those insane 12-13 hour shifts, and then I just want to veg out and relax. Days off are about catching up and not doing anything strenuous. So far, it’s been good, but I am pretty stressed at times because of work; being a nurse is a stressful job, and don’t let anyone imply otherwise.

This year, so far, has been pretty decent (at times). We bought a new house, right across the street, which still sort of doesn’t seem real at times. Also, we got a new family member in Charlie; even though we lost our precious Sydney, whom I still miss each and every day. Overall, it’s been a year of new things, and things are pretty good right now.

I also became a Scentsy certified consultant this year, something that I absolutely adore. What is Scentsy you ask? If you want you can check out the website; I started selling the stuff because I love it so much. My house smells amazing!

That’s really about it. I wish I had more time to spend listening to music and catching up, but it seems like this year is flying by at record speed. Work is taxing and always challenging, but can be very rewarding, which is nice. Charlie is a delight, even though is a poop and pee monster who likes to chew on anything he has in his eye line. He and Pickles get along very well, and I couldn’t be happier about that. I just miss my Sydney something terrible. The new house is a lot to take in, and I am so happy we were able to make this move; even though it was a grueling 4 month process to acquire it! Short sale? How ironically titled.

Anywho… I hope you all out there are doing well, know that I am doing my best to be well, well, as well. Here’s to newness, changes, working hard, and reaping the rewards; and getting sleep and listening to more music on days off!! Now… to get back to my day off!

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weekend walk through the park

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Yesterday, James and I took the doggies out to the park for a nice walk, and I took my camera, and snapped some great pictures. Here are a few of them:
us at the park
mr. pickles looks intense
*sniff*
This was actually Mr. Pickles’ first visit to the doggie park. He had a lot of fun, while Sydney did his typical, “why are there other dogs here?” stand offish thing. It was a nice little Sunday afternoon thing to do with my family, and hopefully, will motivate me to continue to taking more pictures; something that I REALLY need to do.

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chipped

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Sydney put on his Halloween sweater today, headed out to a dog festival, and got micro-chipped.
ready for halloween!
James said that he wasn’t happy when they pricked him with the chip, but I am glad that he has it now. I have been thinking about getting him chipped forever, and it was only $10, so I figured we should go ahead and do it. Hopefully, this makes him just a little bit safer, in case he ever gets lost.

He does look incredibly adorable in that sweater though, doesn’t he?!

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post ultrasound sydney update

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So, we had the ultrasound done yesterday… $400 to find out, wait for it… Nothing. That’s right, there isn’t anything abnormal with his abdomen, stomach, nadda. However, it may have been worth it to spend the $400, because when I got into the vet’s office yesterday morning, (I wanted to stick around and talk to them so that I could tell them a few things that I wanted checked out) Sydney was transformed into his old self. Wagging his tail, jumping up into my lap, and full of energy. Maybe he was faking it? Maybe he was a little sick, and just didn’t feel like eating? Either way, after we picked him up yesterday afternoon, he proceeded to eat treats (without having them crushed first), walk around, wag his tail, jump up on the couch, and everything he normally does.

He is also eating out of his bowl on his own, without being coxed into it. I am not sure if it is a case of “don’t take me back there, see, see!, I am good! nothing to worry about!!!”, or if he really is getting back to his old self, and it was more of an episode, rather than something actually wrong. I hope that it was definitely just a little bout of upset tummy, or something minor, and I am glad that he is getting back to normal. It’s funny, because it is almost like we took him in, and got our old Sydney back. I just hope that his eating improves, and he gets back to normal. He even wanted to play with his toys last night! What a little stinker, eh? I honestly don’t care what was going on, so long as he is better, and a happy, healthy little dog. Thanks to everyone that had kind words and well wishes; it really means a lot to know that people were thinking about us!!!

Totally unrelated to Sydney’s health drama this week, we had/have a bit of a situation at the house… Basically, a few days ago, we saw an injured cat slink its way under the deck; before we could do anything to help it/stop it. A day or so later, we were greeted with that all too familiar smell of rotting carcass when we walked our of the front door, and I was sure that the damn cat died under the porch, and we were going to have to endure that smell for at least a few more days (my cat used to drag us “presents” under the porch when I lived with my parents… yuck). The situation comes into play when yesterday, we walked outside to do something, and James exclaims, “Oh my god! There’s a dead cat in the koi pond!”. Sure enough, the carcass of that cat was tangled in the net of the pond, COVERED in maggots and flies. I almost threw up. I told James that it had to be gotten out of there ASAP, or it would kill all of the fish, and he sprung into action. He managed to clean out most of the “debris”, but I noticed this morning that there are still a ton of maggots in the pond, and we seriously need to figure out how to get them out of there so they don’t kill the fish. I am glad that the dead cat smell is gone, but jeez… that is not the alternative plan of action I was expecting; nor the one that I wanted. Yuck!

The whole cat scenario, which, by the way, is our third serious cat incident since we have lived at our house, totally echoes (although, not on the same threat level) what Lori and Brian when through this morning; people that neglect animals, and don’t get them spayed and neutered are just AWFUL fucking people. Seriously, if you don’t intend to get an animal the care that it needs, provide it with food and shelter, and make sure that it isn’t unnecessarily breeding animals that you have no intention of taking care of, you are at the very minimum, a despicable person. Perhaps we should call animal services more than we do, but honestly, they are so picky about what they will do, it really makes it more of our problem than anything. I just wish people weren’t so neglectful, and by association, cruel. It’s an animal dammit, it NEEDS you. Don’t get one if you don’t plan on taking care of it. UGH! /endrant.

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buying things will take your mind off of it…

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So James and I came home from the vet frustrated with our situation yesterday, because we really weren’t getting much in the way of answers from the people at Banfield. With our frustration, we called to speak with the vet, and honestly, she took about 15 minutes to really talk with me, which did make me feel better. She told me that we need to get the x-ray and the ultrasound, and if those don’t show anything, we need to do an endoscopy. We are taking it one thing at a time. X-ray and ultrasound are currently scheduled for Thursday, and hopefully, we will know more then.

I honestly hope that it is nothing. She thinks that it might be an ulcer or something similar, and if so, there is medication that he can take that will make him better. She also informed us that we needed to try and make him eat, which we were actually successful with last night. We are trying different types of wet dog foods, really anything, to get him to eat. We found a treat he likes, and honestly, if that is what he will eat, I will buy a bunch of it to get something in his stomach. He is still weak, but he definitely seemed better after eating last night. Also, he isn’t yelping as much anymore either; which is a great sign. Thanks to all of the well wishes and thoughts you guys, I really don’t know what I would do if anything happened to my baby, and I really hope that he will get back to his old self sooner, rather than later. I am just praying he gets better soon. I will give updates about the tests on Thursday when we get them done.

James and I were driving home from the vet yesterday, and honestly, we were just silent in the car, because we were so worried. The call with the vet changed a lot of that, but we are still concerned, and can’t think of much else. So, like the good little consumer, I have turned to a little well-timed retail therapy to help take my mind off of this week’s situation. Coincidental to these events with Sydney, two products that I have been urning for came out today:

The NEW Tivo HD receiver (the much more reasonable $300 version)
and
Guitar Hero Encore: Rocks the 80s

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I have my confirmation order number for the tivo (after getting rejected by the website, and having to call in, sit on hold, get rejected by the system, and having the customer service person (who was really sweet, and actually called back and gave me confirmation) complete the order and call my back), and I am going to pick up GH during lunch. Is this enough to make me not worry about my little man? Absolutely not. However, it really does make me feel a little bit better; even if it is momentarily.

Tonight will be some shredding at my place, and hopefully, we can get little man to eat a little more. Hope everyone is having a good day. Now, WHEN will my new tivo arrive!! HURRY!

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thanks and thoughts

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I wanted to say thanks to everyone that sent well wishes and stuff the other day; I was just in a weird spot, and I honestly was thinking too much for my own good. I have this incredible ability to let something minuscule turn into a huge festering thing in my mind, all because I focus too much on it. I am working on that, but it is part of what I learned in how to deal with people when I was growing up. Some of that stuff never goes away, and you just have to deal with it; perhaps that is why I find that I do get let down when I expect too much from people. My parents were good at letting me down, and yet, I naively always believed that the next time, they wouldn’t; which unfortunately, almost always ended in disappointment. I am working on getting out of that, but for now, I can only go at this pace. Thanks for listening, understanding, and being here.

Sydney is doing better, although he is very lethargic and doesn’t want to move around much. I am hoping that by the end of the weekend, he is back to his normal, energetic self. I don’t like seeing him in any pain, because he really is my “baby”, and I love him so much. I am just glad that his tests came back normal, and it appears to just be a case of upset tummy. Thanks to everyone for their thoughts about him, as well.

Other than that, there isn’t really much going on in the way of “stuff” right now. I am still in a little bit of a weird place, as it was pointed out to me that I was being a little snippy at lunch with James. I was constantly on his case about his driving, because, well, he is a very easily distracted person anyway, and I really didn’t want anything to happen to him or his car. I guess sometimes, good intentions come out bitchy. Oh well… perhaps it is the rain today? Who knows… I just know I am glad that it is Friday.

Finally, a few links with some scattered thoughts:
— Surprise! A negative review of “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” from a gay website. While I don’t really care one way or another about the movie getting good or bad reviews, it always makes me wonder about people who watch movies and criticize them, when it is clear to everyone else that the movie is going to contain the very elements that the critic negatively goes on and on about. Obviously, this movie is going to use borderline or outright negative gay stereotypes and bad humor to poke fun at what most American men see to be an uncomfortable situation; a simulated homosexual relationship between two straight men. While it may be distasteful and possibly a negative reinforcement (but probably not, since GLAAD gave it a thumbs up), if you don’t want to hear the negative gay jokes, don’t go see this movie; problem solved. I do have to say though, that I think Kevin James is absolutely adorable, and I don’t think that his part in this dumb movie will change any of that feeling from me.
— Cheney will be in charge while Bush goes under for a routine colonoscopy. I would really have loved it if the news outlets had gotten creative, and came up with creatively disgusting titles to supplement this story. However, I for one don’t know how they are actually going to get in there, with that big stick shoved up his ass, and all.
— I saw this clip of Tammy Faye when she was recently on the Larry King show, and it honestly just breaks my heart to see someone so sweet and genuinely wonderful suffering like that. Hell, I don’t like seeing anyone suffer, but Tammy Faye is good, and she totally has had our backs for a long time, showing the world what a true Christian should be like. Additionally, her son has turned out to be accepting and loving as well; not to mention, kind of hot. I love you Tammy Faye, and I hope that you are not suffering, and that your final days are peaceful and happy. You have been there for the gays, and we definitely thank you for your love, kindness, and support. If only there were more like you, Tammy Faye.

I hope everyone has a great weekend, and I am going to do my best to relax, finish the paintings I am working on, and spend time with my family (James, little Sydney, and some friends if they are interesting in hanging out). Now, I’m off to get some damn wine… I have been Cabernet-ing it up this week; I see no reason to slow up now!

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I think that I expect too much sometimes

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Perhaps all of the time.

I think that I get my feelings hurt, or am disappointed, because I expect too much. Is it possible, that I put too much thought, guilt, worry, or anxiety into relationships, so much so, that I inadvertently cause the situation to go all weird? I wouldn’t think that this would be the case, because if it were, it would be the standard; and it isn’t.

I mean, I really don’t think that I do any of this outwardly, or even on purpose, but for whatever reason, I feel like there must be something that I do that makes people change. It is the only solution that I can come up with, although, it is really the only one that I can truly substantiate if it is reality. Again, I probably am over-analyzing things, but what if I am not? What if there is something that I do, something small, that causes these changes in my relationships with other people?

Maybe I expect too much. I don’t think that I do, but maybe I do… Maybe that is more of the problem than the actual situations that I find myself in from time to time; expecting too much will always mean that I am the one that is let down. I don’t know how I find myself here all of the time, but here I am, and it really upsets me. It really breaks you down to feel this way so much, and very rarely gain any resolve for the situation.

So why do I keep doing it? Why can’t I stop thinking for one minute, and just let things travel on their own? I honestly don’t know, but I know that I have always been this way, and if it is the problem, it is more than frustrating; it is debilitating and very upsetting, especially because it is unconscious. I want to just exist in a place where I am involved with people that understand me, and I don’t spend a lot of my time over-analyzing actions, words, or the lack of either. I don’t think that it is paranoia, because I am definitely experiencing it; but I do think that it could be that I expect too much sometimes.

I’m just going to put on my headphones, listen to some music, and try to forget myself for a little while. I am clearly thinking too much this morning. To top it all off, Sydney isn’t feeling well, and we had to take him into the vet yesterday for an IV and some tests. After they brought him out, I was holding him, and he just pissed all over me; without warning. Poor little guy. I just hope that he is feeling better soon… I know that my wallet would be happier as well.

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hmmm… now I know

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First of all, thanks to everyone that has wished me well, it means a lot. I am definitely doing better, but I am still in some significant pain. I also managed to twist my right knee, somehow, and I basically feel like I am falling apart. Hopefully, both things will heal at the same time, and I can get back to feeling good, and very importantly, go back to working out; I can tell the weight loss has grinded to a seriously halt. I also look forward to NOT taking pain medication and muscle relaxers anymore; I am on vicodin, naproxen (500mg), and skelaxin. Unfortunately, the effect of those medicines, is that I feel completely trashed, and loopy as fuck. Right now, as I write this, I feel like I have had 5 drinks too many, and I am completely sober. Tis not good, y’all. It also makes me incredibly nauseous, which just complicates things. Here’s to getting better!

I went a little crazy this weekend with decorating. I was so stir crazy from the cabin fever, that James and I went to Home Goods on Saturday, and I totally got bitten by the decorating bug. Our bedroom has never actually be decorated the whole time that we have lived in our house, and I felt that it was about time to do something about that. The result was a fun time picking out art and things to decorate the barren walls of our “love chamber”. I will try to get some pictures of it when it is finished (and when I have had time to clean it to a presentable standard). I love decorating, and I had a lot of fun picking out all of the stuff I got. I also haven’t been to Home Goods in a while, and totally forgot how much I love that place.

Finally, we had to take Sydney to the vet this morning because of his day on, day off, yelping and “woe is me” routine. We were sufficiently worried about his well being, so we decided that it was pertinent to take him in. They said that it might be stomach acid, or even an ulcer, so we got the medication (i.e., gross) dog food for him, and were instructed to watch him. James and I had a talk, and I think that we have caused this problem (at least in part) by giving him scraps from our plates. We are going to stop the people food all together, because I want my little boy to live a long and happy life. If anything happened to him, I would be devastated, and I am just glad that we are going to be striving for a happier, healthier Sydney.

Well, that’s about it for now… I am seriously hating the effects of these pills. I feel like complete shit right now. Here’s hoping I don’t have to throw up, because the nausea is taking me over right now. Wish me luck, and pray that I don’t have to.

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thinking on tuesday: the results

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See! Sexual orientation is not a choice! Science is doing what it can to prove what we “sexual deviants” have always known to be true. Now, getting people to accept it… that’s the tricky part.

I don’t see how an anti-American protest and a call for American forces to leave Iraq on the 4th anniversary of the fall of Baghdad shows “progress” in the “war on terror”. To me, that just gives us more and more face time with the reality that we shouldn’t be there at all. The progress will come when we stop occupying a country that we have no business occupying. Sure, they weren’t able to assemble like that under Saddam (which is why it was touted as progress), but, uh, can’t we see that WE are their enemy? We weren’t the enemy before the war, so apparently, the progress here is in creating new enemies for ourselves.

On another war related thought, why don’t we hear more about the American troops that are killed every day in Iraq? I mean, there were 30 some odd troops killed over the weekend, and I don’t see that article or that reference anywhere. Instead, you have idiots like Mccain saying that Iraq is actually safer, speaking from under his body armor and from inside his heavily guarded human border. If Iraq is getting safer, how come more than a hundred people are killed there almost every day? That doesn’t sound very safe to me, especially since violence is surging in other parts of Iraq. So I guess “saving” Baghdad is all we need to say that things are going great? Gah.

Who the fuck eats peeps? I mean, they are pretty and all, but they are fucking gross. I love marshmallows, and I wonder why they had to ruin them by coating them in sugar. Who even eats just sugar anyway? It is gross! I did get a bunch of them though, and have been, and will continue to, take pictures of them. Like I said, they are pretty.

I worried about Sydney. He is still not feeling well, and I am letting my emotions get the better of me. I hope that he is back to normal very soon. I don’t know what I would do if something happened to him. I pray that nothing will.

Drinking every day is not a bad thing. Nope, not at all. Would you like another glass of wine?

I am really looking forward to dinner and drinks with my friends tonight. I love spending time with good friends.

That’s about it.