Tag: pain

all about me, venting

pollen, pollen, everywhere

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Atlanta looks like it has been drenched by a heavy dose of yellow curry powder; but it’s pollen, and it is everywhere. As a result, my sinuses decided to mount a full frontal assault, and I have felt like shit for the last three days.

I knew something was up, when the first physician I saw after getting a job here in Atlanta told me that the best way to deal with allergies as bad as mine was to move away from Atlanta. I’ve had sinus problems my whole life, but never have they been as severe as they have been since I’ve lived in Atlanta.

Moving for me is not really an option, since I do love this crazy place, so I guess I have to deal. Unfortunately, Claritin D is barely cutting it, and the end of my nose feels like it got in a knife fight and lost. I only hope the worst has past, but after what I saw today, I don’t know; I literally saw a cloud of pollen descend over the parking lot at school, and envelop us. It was horrifying; I think I actually head my sinuses weep.

I am going to try and avoid Afrin as long as I can, but one hour of sleep a night because of inability to breathe at all, may make my deal with that devil one that I can’t refuse. Ugh. I hope it doesn’t come to that, as it is supposed to rain tomorrow, and hopefully, take all of this demon dust away. Fingers crossed. To all other sufferers out there, know you are not alone, dear friends, and I feel for you and your suffering as well.

all about me, is it just me?, music musings

a slice and a confession

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This morning, I was eager to enjoy a tasty beverage, specifically a Vanilla Coke Zero, and when I went to open said beverage, the pull tab slipped, and sliced the everliving fuck out of my finger. Now, I understand that said pull tab needs to be made of metal, but I don’t understand why said pull tab needs to have a sharpened underside, that is waiting there, innocently, to make you bleed if you lose your minute fingernail grip on said pull tab; even for a split second. The best part? The slice occurred underneath my fingernail. Needless to say, I grabbed a spoon to get the darn drink open, and will think twice about offering up my tender digits to future torture from beverage containers.

I have had a bit of a revelation lately about music. I think that it is a pretty interesting, albeit debilitating thing for me, and I think writing about it is a bit of a confession… and hopefully, I can overcome this condition. See, I have this thing, that whenever someone gets a bunch of hype, and everyone under the sun seems to be singing their praises, for no reason at all, I am instantly turned off at the prospect that said artist could actually be that amazing.

Case and point: Sia’s actually quite brilliant CD, Some People Have REAL Problems, came out very early this year, and while I liked it, I didn’t pay it much attention because of what I perceived to be an over saturated attention for it. My subconscious kicked in, and it was almost like something in me didn’t want me to like it as much as I should, because everyone and their mother liked it so much. After giving this some thought, I think that I will call this the “Dave Matthews effect”. See, I never got into Dave Matthews for the very same reason. Technically, he’s very talented, and has a huge following, but I have always been sort of “eh” about him; mostly because of how amazing everyone else seems to think he is.

Through this kind of recent revelation, I have decided that I am determined to overcome this, and as a first step, I have recently given Sia another chance; and you know what, I am glad I did. Her record is brilliant, and deserves the attention it got; and the attention it is now getting from me.

You know what, I guess it is the same thing as when I scream from the rafters about an artist, and no one really seems to take interest on the level I do… maybe they have a touch of the “Dave Matthews effect” as well. Maybe my “over-hype” turns them off, for reasons even they don’t understand. Either way, I hope that I can open my mind a bit more about potential musical artists, and not let what I consider over-hype to get in my way of enjoying their potentially brilliant work. My apologies, Sia (and everyone else that has been affected by my missteps in the past)… I am definitely listening now.

all about me, happenings, hmm interesting, near and dear, tragic

where in the world is duane?

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The answer: In bed. And, I have been in bed for literally, the entire day; in fact, I am writing this, sitting in bed with my laptop (thank God for that wireless USB adaptor that I bought way back when).

Why have I been in bed all day, you ask? Well, yesterday, I was walking about the house, picking up Sydney’s toys, which were due a good washing, and I leaned down to get one in the kitchen, and upon standing up, found a sharp, shooting pain in my back. It was so intense, I literally fell face first to the floor. After laying there for a few minutes, I felt much better, and made my way back upright; but not totally. I was able to walk comfortably bent over a bit, and as long as I leaned to my right, I was somewhat comfortable.

I went on with some caution, but figured it would be better this morning. Much to my surprise, it wasn’t. I woke up this morning, literally screaming at the top of my lungs in agony. Imagine the worst charlie-horse you have EVER had, multiply it by 10, and then place that in your lower back. Literally, I made my way out of the bed, because I had to pee, and I was seriously contemplating just peeing sitting on the floor, because standing up caused me so much pain. (I did manage to force myself to get up and use the toilet, so don’t get too excited). If I could rate my pain level on a scale of one to ten, this was easily a ten.

The worst part, is that it is still here. I have managed to limp around the house a TINY bit today, but for the most part, I have stayed still in the bed; with the occasional writhing in agony when my back decides it wants to spasm, just because I moved.

I did manage to watch the entire series of Kitchen Confidential, as well as Superman Returns, though, which was something to keep my mind off of the pain. When James got home, he brought me food (didn’t eat all day until he got here, around 6), and he kindly hooked me up with my laptop, and a new movie selection. I wanted to go to the doctor, but I am serious when I say, that the only way I could get there, would be on a stretcher.

I got lots of pain meds, and muscle relaxers from my doc, and I hope that they ease the tension in my back, and manages to stop this awful spasms.

Updates will provided as necessary… hopefully, they will be good updates. Wish me well!

all about me, happenings, hmm interesting, is it just me?, mixed media

more tattoo, tetanus shot pain, and reflections on losing a loved one

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Getting tattooed tonight… not looking forward to the pain, but I am very anxious about getting it done; the design is so cute. I can’t wait. I am worried that it is going to hurt like nobody’s business because of the all over the body pain I have been experiencing since I got a tetanus shot on Monday.

They said that I would be a “little sore”, but it literally feels like someone stabbed me in the arm, and that my arms and legs are in a vice. I just feel extremely uncomfortable in my skin right now. I hope that the pain from that subsides, and I really hope that it doesn’t make the tattoo more painful (which it sometimes can).

Other than that, there isn’t a whole hell of a lot going on with me right now. I am pretty much in limbo zone, trying to get these vaccinations squared away for going back to school. I will be glad when it is finished, and I can find out about my acceptance and all that fun stuff. I have to admit that I am excited about going back to school, but there are two things that are worrying me; I am worried that I won’t do as well as I want to, and I am stressed about the amount of time it is going to take to finish my degree. I just wish I could dedicate 100% of my time to it and knock it out… but we work with what we have, right?

Finally, last night I was watching Kathy Griffin’s My Life on the D-List, and it was a pretty sad episode, because her father died, and she was very distraught by his death. At the risk of coming across as somewhat heartless, I found that I couldn’t relate to what she was feeling; even though I felt bad for her, and as a result got upset myself. What most people would have probably felt during the episode would have been about how they would feel (or did feel) with regards to their own father’s death; but again, I didn’t relate. I had nothing. This is not to say that I wouldn’t be sad if my dad did die, but I just didn’t feel anything when the thought crossed my mind. Again, at the risk of coming across as heartless, I really don’t think that his death would affect me that much, mainly because of how distant my parents have become over the past several years. I talk with them maybe once every two months, and it is always me calling them for whatever reason (asking about when I had chicken pox for my vaccinations sheet was the most recent). The distance may or may not be a lack of caring, but at this point, I have stopped trying to fix it, and instead am learning to just deal with it. They are who they are, and if they wanted to be involved in our lives more, they would be.

See, here is where I am coming from: I had an 8 minute conversation with him on Father’s day, 75% of which I have heard every time I have talked to him on the phone in the past couple of years (they are coming to visit in the fall, he misses us, blah blah blah). Now, I am not saying that I don’t appreciate the sentiment, and that I don’t love my father, because there is nothing farther from the truth, but I honestly feel an empty place inside me where these deep feelings for him “should” be. Will that change? Probably not, because I know that he doesn’t “approve” of my “lifestyle”, and he and my mother keep their distance with expert skill. If things could be different, perhaps I would have identified more with Kathy, instead of simply feeling bad for her loss. Perhaps one day, I won’t feel that emptiness, and will fear the death of my own father, but for now, it isn’t something that particularly bothers me, especially because of his continued absence in my life. I remember being little and one of the things I worried about the most was losing my mother or my father, and as time has progressed, those fears have been hushed so significantly, that they simply aren’t there anymore. I have become numb to that fear, and I honestly couldn’t tell you if I would even feel anything at all. It is strange how your relationships can change so dramatically, especially when you have little or no control over those changes.

I guess that’s how it goes sometimes. Nothing to feel bad about, really, I guess I am just reflecting. I am feeling sort of reflective with Pride weekend coming up and all, and the show just triggered this lack of a reaction, really. Just thought getting it out there would make sense.

Totally shifting gears, who all is going to be out and about during Pride? We should be having a tent, so please, stop by and hang out!

hmm interesting, near and dear, show the love, that is so gay

a strange way to try and commit suicide

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It isn’t a secret that getting a positive diagnosis from an HIV test is jarring, and can potentially cause suicidal thoughts, but very few follow through on their actions, and actually commit suicide. Strangely enough, that is not the case for two men that found out they were positive in midtown Atlanta. In fact, that is only where the strange begins.

Apparently, the two men found out they were positive, and having that news coupled with some issues with their business, they decided it would be best to commit suicide. But they decided they would do it by cutting off their arms. Now, I am not making fun of this case in the slightest, in fact, my heart goes out to these two men and anyone who would be so down that they would want to take their own life. But I can’t believe that this was the option to end their lives that they thought of. This must have been excruciatingly painful, not to mention, downright strange. I can’t imagine inflicting this level of pain on yourself in order to get away from the pain of your life. And, it appears that they were saved before they were able to bleed to death; so now, they have to live without arms.

I really can’t believe that this late in the epidemic this response was the one these men chose. I would have hoped they would have sought the counseling they need, and I hope that everyone that finds themselves contemplating suicide seeks out help as well. While this is a strange and unusual case, it is definitely horrible that these men decided to inflict this pain on themselves. I hope that they are at least getting the help they need now.

Also, I found out today that a friend of mine recently tested positive for HIV. I don’t know what to say. I haven’t talked to him in a while, and honestly, I am pretty surprised. One of the things I am most surprised about, is that I heard that he felt it was “inevitable”. That really hurts me, and makes me feel extremely sad; because gay men should not have this view of infection. We can prevent it. We just have to work at it, and not give up. I hope that my friend is okay. I hope that he and I can talk about it soon.

Kind of weird stuff for a Sunday, but there it is, kids. Hope your weekend is going well.

all about me

ouch! (tattoo talk)

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Last night, instead of making it to the monthly APWBWGTTD, I was laying on a table being repeatedly stabbed with needles. No, it wasn’t a massive dosing of heroin, I was getting tattooed, for what I hope to be, the last time (for a while). Russ beautifully colored in the turtle on my inner arm (OW!!!!!!!!), and let me be the first to say that getting tattooed on your inner arm FUCKING HURTS. Seriously, it is almost too much. He also added another little fish in a spot that seemed like it needed something, and to be honest, it totally changed the whole tattoo for me. It looks so much more cohesive and beautiful. My arm is insanely swollen and painful, but I will try to get some pictures up soon. I love tattoos, but I sure hate getting them.

During the session last night, Russ and I were talking about him starting a blog, which I think is pretty cool. People are seeing the potential for blogs to help them talk about things they want to discuss, as well as providing them with ways to continually provide fresh content for their websites. For him, he will be able to talk about tattoo things, and as someone who only got into tattooing seriously a year ago, it will definitely be something I would be interested in reading. There are so many things you don’t know about until you try them; and sometimes, you learn a lot more than you expected.

I can’t really think of much else right now because of the throbbing in my right arm, but I do know that I hope upon hope that it doesn’t freeze around here. I can’t handle the grocery store madness and the freaks on the road. Just let me get some beers, so I can go home and prop this arm up and rest!! Stay warm!