Tag: moving-forward

all about me, happenings, hmm interesting, near and dear, the catch-all-egory

well, it’s monday…

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And there isn’t much going on. So, here are some different thoughts that I have been thinking about this morning:

I was talking with my grandma on the phone this morning, and she is a hoot! She can make laugh at any time. I always love hearing her stories, and her dealings with people. It is weird to me how people will treat someone though; people are consistently rude to her, and I just don’t get it (especially since she is so much fun and so nice). Even her own son won’t stop smoking for 5 minutes to have her around, and since she can’t stand the smoke, they don’t see each other very often (even though they live within spitting distance of one another). People are just how they are, I guess, and sometimes, you just have to say fuck ’em, and do your own thing. She and I talk about that a lot, and it is something that I really treasure that we share; we love each other, and try not to focus on those that just want something from us, or expect us to be something that we are not. She loves me for who I am, and I really appreciate that, and cherish it. I am very thankful that I have such a great relationship with her, because other than her and my cousin, I don’t really consider much of my family, actually “family”. Sometimes, you have to build your own family from what you have; and even though I only feel close to two, that’s two that I can definitely count on.

I was thinking about (i.e., I definitely want to) getting another tattoo. I want something on my left calf, above the ankle band tattoo that I currently have there. I thought about a Japanese dragon, but the more I think about it, the more I want something kind of unique. I called Russ, and he has some open spots this week, and his new shop opens next week, but I think this week would be too soon; especially since I don’t have a firm idea of what I want. Since I am wracking my brain in trying to decide what I want, I have a question for all of you: If you could get a tattoo of anything in the world, what would it be and why? Don’t worry, I won’t steal your idea… that is, unless it is a good one! LOL No seriously, I want to hear your ideas. And none of this “you have too many tattoos” silliness, because you can never have too many.

Other than that, I had a pretty great weekend, hanging out with friends, and just enjoying life. I feel like I am starting to worry less about things that are out of my control, and really find myself focusing on being happy with what I have. I am applying to Perimeter for some classes in the fall, and that has given me this sense of purpose that I didn’t think would come from such a small step. I finally feel like, for the first time in 4 years, that I am moving forward. And that makes me happier than you could know. Let’s just hope we can keep this momentum going!

all about me, near and dear

distraction, focus, and pressure

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Distraction. We all experience it. Sometimes, it is all there is in me. Sometimes, it is all that you can get from me. But, when I got to the lowest point of my depression, even distraction didn’t work for me. Distraction moved out of the way for apathy.

For some, distraction is a bad thing. It keeps them from focusing on the real issues that plague them; the real issues that keep them bundled up in that depressive state. It’s weird, because when I was talking about my concern over an issue, yesterday, he became more focused on the fact that it was merely a distraction. Distraction is no longer giving way to apathy.

But, he worried that distraction meant a lack of focus. Focus on what was most important; getting out of this depressive cycle, by making real changes on the real issues that plague me. He thought this was distracting me away from the hard stuff, with the invention of new issues. Interesting.

But what is more interesting, is that distraction is focus. At least for me. When I distract myself on a new issue, a new pursuit, a new idea that I can ponder; I am freeing myself from apathy. When I scream at the top of my lungs about an issue to those who disagree, even though I know they will never change; I am focused on something. And regardless of where it came from; I am a little bit less apathetic. It may seem futile, and it may seem distracting, but it is my way of bringing things a little bit more into focus.

And little by little, the more issues I focus on, the more the big ones move into my line of sight, and it is harder for me to avoid them. I begin to focus on those things, which makes me want to focus on the big things. And recently, I took a step; a small step, but a step. I set up a chance to begin taking on one of the big things. And I am scared. But I am still focused.

Focused on that issue. But now comes the hard part; the pressure. I can’t let it overcome me like it has for so many years. I have to maintain focusing on these distractions, so that this big one won’t get away. I can’t ignore it anymore; and that is a LOT of pressure.