Tag: frustrated

all about me

uninspired, or just stuck… just fix it

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I have been wondering what is keeping me from doing things that I like to do (like taking pictures) recently (and for quite a while now), but I don’t think that it is because I am uninspired so much as I feel a bit stuck. I feel like I am waiting… waiting on things to materialize on next steps for some things, and here I am, trapped in the interim, and I am just stuck. I have felt a bit in a rut lately, but I think that I am just beginning to really notice it; I think it is bigger than even I see.

I need to pull myself out somehow. I really respect other people that seem so adept at doing that for themselves, and hope to take some of their success as motivation for my own use. I guess I tend to get caught up in the goings on of every day, and find myself waiting for the next day… EVERY day. That is where the rut comes into play, and it almost always sneaks up on me, as it has done in this most recent case.

I am writing it here, because I want to make an effort to try a bit harder not to be so complacent, and to motivate myself. Perhaps putting it out there will make a difference? Who knows. It has and hasn’t in the past, but at least it’s a step. ANY step feels like a success right now.

I think that part of it, is that there are so many things that I want changed, that I start to see all of them, and I let them overwhelm me, and I end up not doing anything at all… and I hate that about me. I’ve always been that way too, so I don’t see that as something that I can change, so much as I can just deal with it. It’s weird, because I feel like I am all or nothing in some things; like when I was so obsessed with my weight, that I worked out 6 days a week, and weighed a crazy-skinny 160 lbs. Now, I look at myself in the mirror, and wonder what the fuck happened? I have gained so much weight, and feel so lazy because I am not doing anything about it. Yet, instead of going to work out and fix it, I just skip working out and sulk. This is one of the worst aspects of the rut and the complacency, yet I can’t seem to shake it. I feel like writing it down may make me a bit more accountable, but I don’t even know if that will make a difference.

I just wish I could tap into some (SOME) of that tenacity that I used to have… some of the old me to help the new me shake this rut; even if it is only for a little while. I’m telling myself right now that I am going to try, and honestly, that’s the best that I can do. I hope that it works.

all about me, happenings, venting, well?, wtf?!

delays and cancellations

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First of all, our trip was amazing. We saw so much, and did even more.

However, it was almost ruined by the 11 hours of delays and cancellations we endured today as a result of a thunderstorm in ATL. We got to the airport around 1, and didn’t take off until after 11. Then, upon arrival in Atlanta, we had to wait almost an hour in a line for a cab, because the city’s “amazingly” “efficient” and “effective” transit system closed down at least an hour before we touched down.

Needless to say, I have had a bad day, but I am glad to be home (albeit, at 3:05 am). Details on the trip to follow. I promise.

all about me, hmm interesting, is it just me?, listen up!, near and dear, public health

maybe mine aren’t working (?)

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I have talked about my continual battle with depression on this blog before, and today, I saw something that I felt compelled to discuss. First of all, I should mention, in case it isn’t “known”, that I take a SSRI for my depression. I have for a long time, and often times, I wonder if it even works, because I still find that I go through bouts of moderate to severe depression. Well, after reading this, I can’t help but wonder if the medication is actually “treating” the depression.

In the article, they discuss a study that was done to compare the “clinical effectiveness” of several SSRIs (mine is listed), in order to see if the benefit of the drug was more than a simple placebo. What’s interesting, is that they found that across the board for those drugs that they looked it, it wasn’t (except in cases of extreme depression). This makes me wonder about the drug that I take every morning to “prevent” my depression; especially since, as I mentioned, it hasn’t actually gone away at any time during the course of my “treatment”.

I am not saying that I don’t believe the drugs have any benefit. Even the placebo effect is proven to have a benefit, and that may account for some of these findings. However, I do think that it is easy to wonder, that if you take drugs to help with a problem, and the problem doesn’t seem to want to go away, then perhaps those drugs aren’t working for you. The article also mentioned that trying therapy first would probably be a new recommendation; but I did that, and still ended up taking medication, a medication that I am now even more curious about.

I know that the medication must have some benefits. I don’t have anxiety as intense as I did before I took (at least I don’t think that I do). I also know (through the magic of therapy), that my depression is more likely than not, tied to my anxiety. So, if the medication is working on the anxiety, but it doesn’t have an effect on the depression, what does that mean? Should I be taking a different class of medication to deal with the depression as well? Or, am I “better” than I was before, and I just don’t know it? Maybe the drugs are working, and I just don’t know the difference because I have been taking them so long? I find myself riddled with questions right now.

This is something that I think might be worth exploring further. I may make a doctor’s appointment to find out more about what may or may not be a better option for me.

One issues I do have, is that the article goes so far as to say that the medications “don’t work”, citing it is below clinical significance. That is to say, that just because it wasn’t statistically significant, they have proven that it doesn’t work; which really doesn’t make sense, if it did work on the minority of those “not-statistically-significant-so-forget-them” patients. This is where the cynic about clinical research in me steps in, because I always question its reliance on numbers, and a lack of perspective on the individual that may benefit… In the case of a drug that MAY benefit some that has very few side effects (for adults), why would they declare that it simply doesn’t work, just because it doesn’t work more often than not? Additionally, if it doesn’t work most of the time, why have they waited until now to tell people that are taking it?

What’s your take on this? If you take one of these medications, is this going to effect your future treatment? Does it concern you that your medication may not be doing what you need it to? What do you think?

all about me, is it just me?, tragic, venting

consider this…

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I was going to write a product praise post today, but I have decided to instead focus on a very important word: consideration.

It is a small word, but it has huge implications. In a relationship, a strong bond of communication and the continual use of consideration are paramount.

But consider this… small lapses in judgment that occur more often than not, that continually challenge your partner’s belief that you actually consider them. What do you want to do to make it better? Do you simply apologize, and hope that he can understand that you acted without thinking (again)? What if he doesn’t want an apology, because he knows that it will only be followed by future apologies?

I just wish that I was near the top of the list. I don’t have to be number one, but I do need to be on the list. I want to be considered, and more than just an after thought. I don’t mind mistakes, and I can handle a misstep here and there, but continually asserting that consideration is being utilized, while example after example of it being missing are being presented, just isn’t going to get better with a simple I’m sorry.

You actually have to want to change. I want to be more considerate, because I know that I am far from perfect myself; but I hope that you do too.

Why do relationships have to be so hard sometimes? If there are any solutions that are out there, I am all ears.

all about me, near and dear, tragic, venting, well?, wtf?!

“family” woe and health concerns

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Yesterday I got a call that NO ONE wants to get: my Grandma is in the hospital. I had spoken to her earlier in the week, and knew that she was having some adverse reactions to a new blood pressure medication, but I didn’t realize it was bad enough for her to need emergency transport and a hospital stay. I just talked with her, and she is feeling really good (other than having to deal with freezing hospital temperatures, and long wait times), and apparently, all of her tests are coming back normal. Whew. That makes me feel good to know that she is doing well, and it is probably that medication, as we were talking about the other day. Now, she can get a new medication (and a new doctor, IMHO), and hopefully, get back to feeling right as rain soon.

UPDATE: I just got the news that she is about to go home. YAY! I just hope that she is feeling good ASAP.

As I desperately tried to get in touch with someone who would have information after my cousin called me with that news last night (who totally came through for me, and has always been there amazingly… thanks cuz!), I was troubled that I hadn’t heard anything, and couldn’t get any information from the hospital as to her condition. After several phone calls, I finally got to talk with my Grandma around 9:30, only to find out that she was at the hospital by herself.

As of this moment, I haven’t heard a single word from either of my parents. What the fuck? As those of you that have read this blog may know, I clearly have family woes when it comes to my parents, but this just reinforces something frighteningly clear to me: the distance between us is not only geographical, and it doesn’t only apply to me. I was so angry when I talked with my Grandma, and found out that my sister’s husband was one of the people that came in the ambulance that brought my Grandma to the hospital. I was angry, because that means that not only do my parents have to know that she is in the hospital, that they neither saw it important enough to check in on her, nor alert me to her being there in the first place… and they wonder why I am “so distant”.

Care or don’t care, that is up to you, but it is glaringly clear to me what is truly important in the minds of some of my family members, and it truly makes me sad. I also wish that whole “why don’t you ever visit” mind game would stop; you KNOW why. I wish things could be different, but apparently, they are not going to get any better, and I have to deal with that. I have to deal with it, because they aren’t going to. I just hope my Grandma knows that I care, and that I am here for her; she is one of the only people that has consistently been there for me in return, and in my “family”, that is a very, very rare thing.

all about me, happenings, hmm interesting, is it just me?, mixed media, music musings, politics, wtf?!

we regret that we must now interupt your regularly scheduled blogpost…

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For whatever reason, I have been “in it” again lately.

I actually stayed home sick from work yesterday, and slept until 5:30pm. It still blows my mind that I could sleep all night and all day. I feel like Rip Van Winkle, without the silly long beard. I feel better today, and I am glad that I took the sick time… but it is definitely reflective of how I feel lately.

I am fed up with my classes. My statistics professor apparently would rather trick us, rather than actually quiz us on what we are studying. That is the only explanation that I have for her behavior, and method of asking questions on information that is not covered. Additionally, my absent anatomy teacher is frustrating, but not something I am really complaining about… less fuss if you ask me. I just don’t want trickery on tests; which would be my complaint. Overall, my first semester back in college has been a weird one. It is going to be a long road. I have already registered for next semester, and I hope to god it is much better than this one was.

Speaking of God… apparently, praying for rain the night before the weather service calls for rain makes it rain. Cool. Perhaps I shall pray for the sky to be blue tomorrow, or for air to have oxygen in it. Maybe that’s how we should do all government things… just pray for what we already know is going to happen, and then be like, “See! God is listening! Pray some more, and everything will be right as rain!”. Gah… what a douche you are, Sonny. It is just frustrating that people like him have so much money and power.

Other than the rain, I would like to thank God for my ipod, and just music in general, because without it, I would truly be lost. That, and the fact that my new DVD player plays region 2 DVDs… I am loving Spaced so much right now. Also, I am really looking forward to my 31 days of music in December. I am really enjoying getting my 31 CDs ready for the list, and I hope that everyone will find at least something to enjoy.

Hope you are all well out there in blogland… I’ll see you tomorrow for your 5SF. Take care!

all about me, happenings, near and dear, tragic

so I disconnect…

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Do you ever have those times in your life where you want to run as far and as fast as you can away from anything, and just be alone?

I am having one of those times right now. I feel almost like I need a vacation from just being me; or from everything for that matter. I love James, my friends, and everyone around me, but I feel completely and utterly overwhelmed; and this isn’t about them… it’s about me.

Part of my stress is that school is proving to be as difficult as I feared, and the stress has taken me to a place I don’t like to be. I hope that next semester is better, because there is no going back from here. If I don’t move forward with the “next phase” of my life, I don’t know what will happen.

I know that this will pass, as it always does, but damn, it fucking hurts when you are in it, you know? If you don’t, good for you.

It would really do me some good to just get some time to myself, and the bad thing is, I don’t see that happening any time soon. Sorry to post such a depressing sentiment, but that’s where I am right now. I hope everyone else, at least, is doing better that I, and even more, I hope that I am doing better very, very soon myself.

all about me, hmm interesting, is it just me?, near and dear

I think that I expect too much sometimes

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Perhaps all of the time.

I think that I get my feelings hurt, or am disappointed, because I expect too much. Is it possible, that I put too much thought, guilt, worry, or anxiety into relationships, so much so, that I inadvertently cause the situation to go all weird? I wouldn’t think that this would be the case, because if it were, it would be the standard; and it isn’t.

I mean, I really don’t think that I do any of this outwardly, or even on purpose, but for whatever reason, I feel like there must be something that I do that makes people change. It is the only solution that I can come up with, although, it is really the only one that I can truly substantiate if it is reality. Again, I probably am over-analyzing things, but what if I am not? What if there is something that I do, something small, that causes these changes in my relationships with other people?

Maybe I expect too much. I don’t think that I do, but maybe I do… Maybe that is more of the problem than the actual situations that I find myself in from time to time; expecting too much will always mean that I am the one that is let down. I don’t know how I find myself here all of the time, but here I am, and it really upsets me. It really breaks you down to feel this way so much, and very rarely gain any resolve for the situation.

So why do I keep doing it? Why can’t I stop thinking for one minute, and just let things travel on their own? I honestly don’t know, but I know that I have always been this way, and if it is the problem, it is more than frustrating; it is debilitating and very upsetting, especially because it is unconscious. I want to just exist in a place where I am involved with people that understand me, and I don’t spend a lot of my time over-analyzing actions, words, or the lack of either. I don’t think that it is paranoia, because I am definitely experiencing it; but I do think that it could be that I expect too much sometimes.

I’m just going to put on my headphones, listen to some music, and try to forget myself for a little while. I am clearly thinking too much this morning. To top it all off, Sydney isn’t feeling well, and we had to take him into the vet yesterday for an IV and some tests. After they brought him out, I was holding him, and he just pissed all over me; without warning. Poor little guy. I just hope that he is feeling better soon… I know that my wallet would be happier as well.

is it just me?, listen up!, politics, venting, well?

democrats, you caved too soon

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UPDATE: Perhaps I spoke too soon… Either way, they need a good continual reminder to stay strong. Rock the house Pelosi!

First of all, the Democrats need to grow some balls. I can’t fucking believe that they went through the whole process of proving a point by putting the time line requirement in that bill, only to drop it when Bush vetoed it. WTF?

Democrats! Listen up! You are our voice! So stop slinking back into the corner when big bad Bush says no! You should have sent the exact same bill back to his ass, and said, HERE is our compromise. In fact, they should have tacked on a few more million dollars for the troops, and then sent it back; that would prove the point that this isn’t about the money for the troops, it is about ending this war. Point is, it doesn’t even matter about this bill, as there is funding for the war through at least July; this is a supplemental bill. If the Bush administration wanted the troops to have the things this bill allocates, it would have been in the national budget that he sent to congress for this year. It wasn’t, hence the need for said bill.

Now, I want to say this to the congressional and senatorial democrats: You need to stand up for the politics you believe in, and stop letting Bush walk all over this country. I am appalled that they caved so quickly.

I am, however, trying to cling to the tiny bit of hope that by trying to sneak in different requirements, and actually require that a real plan for ending the war be developed, they are still focused and unwavering in the conviction necessary to end the war. Additionally, these requirements will hopefully stop people from reusing this “we can’t pull out, it would be disaster!” nonsense, as a slightly different plan will be in place. I am not happy that we are settling for “benchmarks” and requirements to report back to Congress as an alternative to getting the fuck out of there, because frankly, it doesn’t matter how long we stick around; the democracy we are shoving down their throats is not going to take unless THEY develop and accept it. We cannot continue killing their people and policing their civil war, and truly expect them to have an epiphany one afternoon and start being democratic. I am, however, truly excited to see that there are democrats and republicans starting to come together and work together on this. THAT is progress; even if it isn’t the level of progress I would like to see.

If the thing that needs to happen is that Iraq needs to be split into different factions, regions, states, or even countries, it is something that they have to work out. We can provide them the help, money, support, etc. that they need, but we cannot truly expect them to take it or for them to change if we occupy their country, and continue fueling a civil war.

I am so sick of this bullshit. I wish that all of this would have never happened. I wish Al Gore would have actually been able to take the presidency he won. Perhaps we would be in a totally different state of being right now; but unfortunately, that is moot. The fact is, that we need to accept that things have gone batshit crazy, come up with a plan to get the fuck out, and GET THE FUCK OUT OF IRAQ. Pussyfooting around and playing politics (BOTH SIDES), is obviously doing more backpedaling than anything, and it needs to stop. Regardless of what is going on in DC, we are still at war with Iraq (and WHY?!). Every day that this war goes on is a day wasted. And it is getting really, really old.