Distraction. We all experience it. Sometimes, it is all there is in me. Sometimes, it is all that you can get from me. But, when I got to the lowest point of my depression, even distraction didn’t work for me. Distraction moved out of the way for apathy.
For some, distraction is a bad thing. It keeps them from focusing on the real issues that plague them; the real issues that keep them bundled up in that depressive state. It’s weird, because when I was talking about my concern over an issue, yesterday, he became more focused on the fact that it was merely a distraction. Distraction is no longer giving way to apathy.
But, he worried that distraction meant a lack of focus. Focus on what was most important; getting out of this depressive cycle, by making real changes on the real issues that plague me. He thought this was distracting me away from the hard stuff, with the invention of new issues. Interesting.
But what is more interesting, is that distraction is focus. At least for me. When I distract myself on a new issue, a new pursuit, a new idea that I can ponder; I am freeing myself from apathy. When I scream at the top of my lungs about an issue to those who disagree, even though I know they will never change; I am focused on something. And regardless of where it came from; I am a little bit less apathetic. It may seem futile, and it may seem distracting, but it is my way of bringing things a little bit more into focus.
And little by little, the more issues I focus on, the more the big ones move into my line of sight, and it is harder for me to avoid them. I begin to focus on those things, which makes me want to focus on the big things. And recently, I took a step; a small step, but a step. I set up a chance to begin taking on one of the big things. And I am scared. But I am still focused.
Focused on that issue. But now comes the hard part; the pressure. I can’t let it overcome me like it has for so many years. I have to maintain focusing on these distractions, so that this big one won’t get away. I can’t ignore it anymore; and that is a LOT of pressure.