Tag: depression

"pointless", all about me, the catch-all-egory

tuesday january 20

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Tuesday, January 20, 2009… a historical date? Looks like it. As someone who is definitely proud to have voted for Barack Obama, I can say that it is pretty cool to have our first black president taking the oath this morning (now, when is spell check going to be updated to recognize his name?). While everyone is a flutter with excitement, I can’t help but just be happy, and nothing more. I have been going through some personal stuff lately, and while I am okay (don’t worry, people!), I am still very ho hum and a bit depressed. Here’s a few random updates so you can get a feel for what’s going on in duaneland these days:

  • I hate when people talk about the weather like it’s a revelation. Yes, I noticed it was cold outside, because I walked through the brisk wind to get into the building; just like you did. Now, can we go back to not talking? There were two women talking at the gas pump this morning about how cold it was, and well, they were just annoying. Maybe I’m just annoyed too easily by things like this, but it is like I have said before, any time you want to point out the completely obvious, just know that you are opening yourself up to my ridicule.
  • James and I have been talking about the wedding, and honestly, the whole thing has caused us to have to re-think the entire event. Yes, we are still moving forward, but I don’t know what’s actually going to happen, nor do I know when. So, just stay tuned.
  • I’ve seen some really entertaining movies lately. That’s always a good thing.
  • I think a lot of my funk has to do with this snail’s pace that life seems to be taking for me, especially with regards to keeping the whole nursing thing going. After not getting into the accelerated program, I have just been met with more and more frustration, but I am determined to keep going. I am applying to two different programs for Fall, so fingers crossed, I will keep moving this juggernaut forward. It’s hard not to feel like Sisyphus right now, which again, is probably a huge part of my frustration/depressive state.
  • Apathy is a motherfucker. It’s got me by the balls right now, and I can’t figure out how to shake it. It makes me think of my friend Michael’s tag line on his LJ; fight apathy! or not… So funny, but so true.
  • I feel like I am just coasting right now, and I think that is part of the problem. I am working on it, but I just wish everything wasn’t an uphill battle. Is it so bad that one might want to just stay in bed all day?!
  • After having issues with my iPod Touch, I decided to restore it, and now, it seems a lot happier, and appears to be working normally. I just wish Apple products weren’t so bitchy when you use them with windows. Seriously, Apple, we like you, but don’t punish us because we cannot afford your amazing, but expensive, computers too.

Enough doom and gloom… I just thought it would be beneficial to get some of this stuff out. I hope everyone has a fantastical inauguration day. Congratulations to the Obama’s is certainly in order, and I for one, hope that the nation gets better because of the fact that they are taking the reigns from here.

all about me, concerts, happenings, music musings, near and dear

what’s going on with me these days

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Basically, I had an “epiphany” yesterday. I put it in quotations, because I have thought about it many times, but it never seemed like such a good idea until yesterday. Basically, I think that I should just focus on getting my RN, and then worrying about the BSN after I am already working in nursing. This way, I can transition quicker, which I REALLY need to do. I am almost terrified of change, but it is so necessary, because I just feel completely lost right now.

This semester is winding down, and I have finals this week and next. I will be so happy to be finished with anatomy, because it is one of the most useless classes ever. The whole point is to weed out those that don’t want it bad enough, and I am just ready to be done with it. I hope that I do well on my lab final, because I completely bombed the midterm, thanks to the distraction of my floors being ripped up that same day.

I was going to write a post about the Kate Nash concert, as well as one about the Feist concert, but it just seems like I don’t have the desire to do very much these days. I had a blast at both shows, and both Kate Nash and Feist were amazing. Also, Hayden opened for Feist, and I was glad to be able to see him after all of these years. All three artists are impressive, and put on great shows.

That’s about it really… just trying to maintain, I guess. Getting out of the bed is harder each day, and if I can come up with a remedy for it; I will market it. Trust me.

all about me, hmm interesting, is it just me?, listen up!, near and dear, public health

maybe mine aren’t working (?)

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I have talked about my continual battle with depression on this blog before, and today, I saw something that I felt compelled to discuss. First of all, I should mention, in case it isn’t “known”, that I take a SSRI for my depression. I have for a long time, and often times, I wonder if it even works, because I still find that I go through bouts of moderate to severe depression. Well, after reading this, I can’t help but wonder if the medication is actually “treating” the depression.

In the article, they discuss a study that was done to compare the “clinical effectiveness” of several SSRIs (mine is listed), in order to see if the benefit of the drug was more than a simple placebo. What’s interesting, is that they found that across the board for those drugs that they looked it, it wasn’t (except in cases of extreme depression). This makes me wonder about the drug that I take every morning to “prevent” my depression; especially since, as I mentioned, it hasn’t actually gone away at any time during the course of my “treatment”.

I am not saying that I don’t believe the drugs have any benefit. Even the placebo effect is proven to have a benefit, and that may account for some of these findings. However, I do think that it is easy to wonder, that if you take drugs to help with a problem, and the problem doesn’t seem to want to go away, then perhaps those drugs aren’t working for you. The article also mentioned that trying therapy first would probably be a new recommendation; but I did that, and still ended up taking medication, a medication that I am now even more curious about.

I know that the medication must have some benefits. I don’t have anxiety as intense as I did before I took (at least I don’t think that I do). I also know (through the magic of therapy), that my depression is more likely than not, tied to my anxiety. So, if the medication is working on the anxiety, but it doesn’t have an effect on the depression, what does that mean? Should I be taking a different class of medication to deal with the depression as well? Or, am I “better” than I was before, and I just don’t know it? Maybe the drugs are working, and I just don’t know the difference because I have been taking them so long? I find myself riddled with questions right now.

This is something that I think might be worth exploring further. I may make a doctor’s appointment to find out more about what may or may not be a better option for me.

One issues I do have, is that the article goes so far as to say that the medications “don’t work”, citing it is below clinical significance. That is to say, that just because it wasn’t statistically significant, they have proven that it doesn’t work; which really doesn’t make sense, if it did work on the minority of those “not-statistically-significant-so-forget-them” patients. This is where the cynic about clinical research in me steps in, because I always question its reliance on numbers, and a lack of perspective on the individual that may benefit… In the case of a drug that MAY benefit some that has very few side effects (for adults), why would they declare that it simply doesn’t work, just because it doesn’t work more often than not? Additionally, if it doesn’t work most of the time, why have they waited until now to tell people that are taking it?

What’s your take on this? If you take one of these medications, is this going to effect your future treatment? Does it concern you that your medication may not be doing what you need it to? What do you think?

all about me, hmm interesting, listen up!, mixed media, music musings, politics, public health, well?, wtf?!

hopeful of change for Iraq, and some other interesting things

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So, the surge, you know, the one that I said wouldn’t work (because the many before it didn’t either), apparently isn’t working. Oops… I mean, we should have known better right? Wait… WE DID! Well, you would think at this point we would have gained a better perspective on things, especially regarding foreign policingpolicy, but alas, we aren’t making the changes we need to. But if you want to continue to believe that we are not causing any problems, and that genocide of Iraq and Iran is the answer, please, bury your head back in the sand, and let those of us that know the truth, strategize in peace.

However this goes, I have ultimate hope that this is true (that picture makes me want to vomit): apparently, given the dissension of his cronies, Bush might actually give in and compromise on a pull out strategy for Iraq. It is becoming clearer and clearer each and every day that we are doing way more harm than good by being in Iraq, and it is good to see more people coming over the that truth; even if it has taken this long. (Apparently, even though they aren’t doing what they need to do to get better, the Iraqis don’t agree that a pull out is good… hmmm, aren’t they already in a full blown civil war? Yeah, so stop using the “threat” of that as an excuse.).

This whole issue is like beating a dead horse, and we really just need to go ahead and bury the corpse already; it has gone beyond stinking. Stop the war, stop the killing, and stop trying to steal oil from another country. Let’s focus on us… that would be a good place to start.

Also, I don’t know how I feel about this, other than to say it pisses me off that people can generalize things so ridiculously. So let’s see, since SOME people get prescribed anti-depressants who are not depressed, it must mean that everyone is just seeking a “freebie” or an “easy out”? Fuck you. Seriously, fuck you. I know for my depression, I was in therapy a good 3 months before I ever even brought up the word medication, and I didn’t want to go on it, because I was not sure I needed it. I sought help for my depression, and as a result, have gotten a lot better. If I would have kept going down the road I was on, who knows what would have happened. I have said it before, and I will say it again, this sort of turning a blind eye on the need for mental health (as one sane doctor in the article calls for more of) is dangerous and just plain wrong. I hope that people continue to seek help if they need it; because even with the drugs, it isn’t an “easy fix”. Getting over depression is a daily struggle, and those drugs don’t take care of that for you. Shame on the people that are lumping and splitting all people on these medications in that way.

I also found this an interesting read. It seems pretty compelling that there is enough of a case to believe that perhaps Kurt Cobain didn’t kill himself. That really gets me thinking, especially because I remember when it was reported that he died. It really hit a lot of people hard, and it did seem a little out of place. Hmm… perhaps something will come of this? Either way, it was interesting to read, so I thought I would share.

That’s enough for today, I guess. Stay cool… it’s hot as fuck out there.

all about me, near and dear

distraction, focus, and pressure

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Distraction. We all experience it. Sometimes, it is all there is in me. Sometimes, it is all that you can get from me. But, when I got to the lowest point of my depression, even distraction didn’t work for me. Distraction moved out of the way for apathy.

For some, distraction is a bad thing. It keeps them from focusing on the real issues that plague them; the real issues that keep them bundled up in that depressive state. It’s weird, because when I was talking about my concern over an issue, yesterday, he became more focused on the fact that it was merely a distraction. Distraction is no longer giving way to apathy.

But, he worried that distraction meant a lack of focus. Focus on what was most important; getting out of this depressive cycle, by making real changes on the real issues that plague me. He thought this was distracting me away from the hard stuff, with the invention of new issues. Interesting.

But what is more interesting, is that distraction is focus. At least for me. When I distract myself on a new issue, a new pursuit, a new idea that I can ponder; I am freeing myself from apathy. When I scream at the top of my lungs about an issue to those who disagree, even though I know they will never change; I am focused on something. And regardless of where it came from; I am a little bit less apathetic. It may seem futile, and it may seem distracting, but it is my way of bringing things a little bit more into focus.

And little by little, the more issues I focus on, the more the big ones move into my line of sight, and it is harder for me to avoid them. I begin to focus on those things, which makes me want to focus on the big things. And recently, I took a step; a small step, but a step. I set up a chance to begin taking on one of the big things. And I am scared. But I am still focused.

Focused on that issue. But now comes the hard part; the pressure. I can’t let it overcome me like it has for so many years. I have to maintain focusing on these distractions, so that this big one won’t get away. I can’t ignore it anymore; and that is a LOT of pressure.

all about me, near and dear, tragic

it’s taking it’s toll…

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Life, that is.

Eh, to say it’s “one of those days” would be a vast understatement. Sometimes I just feel like this, and it sucks. It doesn’t go anywhere, and then a few hours/days/weeks, it’s back to normal (or at least semi-normal). It is just enough to make you never want to get out of the bed again. Never interact with anyone again. Just enjoy your potato bagel with jalapeno cream cheese in the car, with the AC on blast, and the Carpenters blaring from the speakers. At least I can take comfort in those three things.

Also, I gave a homeless man a dollar today. I didn’t do it for selfish reasons, I didn’t do it to make myself feel better, regardless of what some might think; I gave it to him because I thought he needed it. He had the sign (they all do), and his said that he was a veteran. He looked like he could have been somebody’s grandpa.

And after I gave him that dollar, what did I feel? Goodness? Joy? Nope. It made me feel selfish. Selfish that I have all of these “problems”, and that I let depression take over me like it is today. It made me feel bad for not giving him more. It made me feel bad that I was sitting in my AC-cooled luxury car, while this man sat on the side of the road in the shade, because he didn’t have access to an indoor space. It just made me feel bad. Perhaps it made me feel more human.

Sometimes, I worry that the things that I take for granted will go away. But, in the state I am in, I am almost too apathetic to care. I’m too upset about the world, about what people think, the war, homelessness, global warming, etc. And it just goes on and on. And yet, I have it so good, but sometimes I don’t even see it. I am grateful, but things like this make me feel bad that I am not more grateful.

All that from a dollar. Some days are just those days… and it’s definitely taking it’s toll on me.

"pointless", all about me, the catch-all-egory, tragic, venting

disconnected

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I feel like I am disconnected from my body, and I am just on the inside looking out while it moves forward with the day to day routine. It is definitely a weird feeling, and it just makes me feel terribly uncomfortable, being disconnected from myself.

I don’t feel out of control, I just feel powerless. I feel run down, like someone forgot to charge me or something. I don’t like this feeling, and hope it goes away soon.

Someone egged my car last night, too. WTF is that about? I mean, it is just a random fucking Wednesday, and you egg my car? James is going to check the camera archive to see if there is video of it. If there is, then I will you tube it, and put it on here for all to see. Perhaps we can even make out who did it, which would at least be cool to see who the jerks are. Either way, it isn’t that big of a deal, but it just pisses me off. I just don’t understand why people have to destroy or vandalize other people’s stuff. I never did anything like that when I was a kid or a teenager, and I just don’t get the motivation behind it. I hope whatever they needed to get from egging my car was achieved, and hope that they don’t need to do it again.

I also got my new ipod skin, and I don’t know how I feel about it. It is pretty, but it is almost slippery; and it isn’t the iskin that I had. I don’t like change. Either way, there will be pictures post haste on flickr. No buyers remorse or anything, just a period of adjustment. It seems that everything is turning into a period of adjustment.

Tonight is the APWBWGTTD, so I hope that I feel more connected and like myself before then. If not, I might just skip it. I don’t like being in this state, and it certainly doesn’t add to being comfortable around others. I guess we’ll see where it goes over the next few hours.

Ugh. Meeting in 30 minutes. I should have stayed in bed.

all about me, hmm interesting, near and dear, tragic

examining vivid dreams

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Usually, I don’t remember dreams. If I do, they are usually pretty weird, or off the wall, and don’t really seem that vivid or realistic. This morning’s dream was definitely different from my usual dreams. In fact, I have been having very vivid dreams lately; but this one was especially real.

When my dream started, I was on the way back “home” to visit my parents, interestingly enough, in their old house. I was to be staying in my old room, and I went alone.

Shortly into the dream, there was altercation between me and my mother, after which, everything they have ever done or said to make me feel bad in my life poured out. I didn’t hold back. I packed up my stuff (it was my old room before they completely moved all my stuff out), and got in my car and left.

I kept waking up during the dream, and I forced myself back to sleep to see where it was going. It was so vivid, that it was almost like it was really happening. The part that worries me the most, is that in the dream, neither of my parents would own up to, or admit fault in any of the things I said they did. They both continually said that they were hurt that I was “accusing” them of hurting me, which only made me madder and more flippant, causing me to pack up my things and leave.

When I finally woke up and thought about this dream, I thought to myself, “I wonder if this is how it will really happen. I also wonder if this is a sign that this confrontation should happen soon.”. Eerie thoughts, since I am definitely not in a place to lay it all out on the line for them, but the idea of this potential outcome is interesting nonetheless. I go back and forth between wanting to tell them how I feel, and what they have done that has hurt me, and between doing nothing and avoiding them completely (as I am currently doing). I know that my mom reads this blog (even though she won’t admit it), and I am sure that other people in my family will see this, so in some way, I guess I am saying something about how I feel, but leaving out the specifics. Either way, this vivid dreaming provided me with a glimpse into a potential future action.

It is weird how dreams can speak for us sometimes, and in this case, it truly captured how upset and angry I feel about my family situation. Perhaps it is my subconscious telling me to take action, but unfortunately, I am not ready to listen to that advice. Someday, maybe, but not today; frankly, right now I am over the whole thing, and doing a pretty good job of avoiding it. I am also thinking of going off my depression medication… but that is a different, although related, subject.

is it just me?, listen up!, politics, venting

just a few thoughts

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On Iraq:

  • I really hope that Congress does something useful for a change; we need to get out of Iraq and soon. Seriously, when you have no idea what constitutes a “successful” mission, then you have no goal, and that is scary; especially when it is costing us thousands of lives (3100 and growing… not counting the hundreds of thousands Iraqi deaths), and destroying hundreds of thousands more.
  • If you think that sending 20k+ more troops to Iraq will solve the problem, please explain that to me, especially because the top military officials have said that it will take more than 5 times that amount to even do anything (which would mean a total occupation, which is not what we are supposed to be doing over there). Their recommendations are to get out… why aren’t we listening and actually doing something to accomplish that goal?
  • Do you think that we are really going to attack Iran? I don’t get why we would want to do that; especially when we really aren’t supposed to, like we weren’t supposed to attack Iraq (at least, not without UN counsel, yeah, that we forgot to do with Iraq). I mean, the president is really pushing it now… it is like he has a personal vendetta with that whole region (and I think that he probably does). It looks more and more everyday like the only reason why we chose to occupy that territory (which we are doing, and it is also what we said we wouldn’t be doing), was so the contracting companies could get even richer. What sucks, is that we, the taxpayers, have to pay for that; and if not us, then our kids will. That just makes me sick.
  • Yes I support the troops, so don’t even go there. The people that don’t support the troops are those that underfund and under supply the troops that need our support that are already in Iraq, as well as those coming home injured and abused. It is inexcusable to say that you support the troops when you don’t provide them with the equipment to adequately protect themselves in a combat zone. It is also completely reprehensible to say you support the troops when they have to wait for VA services upon returning home from Iraq. That is just awful. Shame, shame, shame. Republicans constantly say pulling funding for the war is wrong because it will be pulling funds from those already in Iraq, when they don’t take into account that they already don’t have what the need, and the funding is active. Why can’t they see that (eh, because they don’t want to)? It doesn’t make sense.
  • What about the representatives that are still saying they agree with the war, and still want to support it? I say that you show us you are serious about your position. Give up some of your salary, and send your kids to fight. Show us you are serious. Many of those that have their kids over there are experiencing it personally, and have a better perspective on this than you do, even though you get to make the decisions; maybe it is time for you to pony up and put your money where you mouth is.
  • I have many other thoughts on this subject, but I don’t want to put too much in one post; people tend to have a hard time digesting it all… even me. So enough on Iraq for now.

On global warming:

  • Seriously. How are there people that still don’t think global warming exists?? Seriously. I saw that the Czech president said that there was no such thing, and that saying that it does exist is political propaganda. WTF dude? Why is science so scary for some people?
  • How can we, as the biggest locust nation on the planet, consume and consume and consume without giving much back to the environment we are raping? How come the government isn’t really doing anything about it? Does that make sense to you?
  • I am really scared to see what is going to happen over my lifetime with regards to nature, climate, and the world. We have done enough in 100 years to significantly damage a planet that has been around for billions of years. Can it be fixed? I worry that it can’t.

On depression:

  • I really think that people don’t understand my sometimes. I feel like I talk about how I feel, and it just goes right in one ear, and out the other, mostly because people essentially tell me that the way to get over my depression is to get over it. I freak out because I can’t get over it, and I don’t understand why others can’t see that.
  • I also freak out because I worry that I am being too needy. I worry about my depression which causes more depression. That doesn’t even make sense! UGH! I feel trapped in a box with no way out… depression sounds a lot like desperation.
  • I often wonder if we truly do deserve to be happy. What if we don’t?
  • I read an article earlier today about evolutionary psychology, and how it viewed depression. It talked about depression, like other mental conditions, as being a product of evolution, and therefore, a response to change over time, both environmentally, and emotionally. Basically, they were saying that if you were depressed, it is partly because you have learned that in order to get what you need, you feel depressed, because it is an evolutionary trait we developed meet those needs. Also, depression is viewed as anger turned inward, and while I can see part of each argument, the first suggests that depression is made up; which I truly don’t believe it is, because if I made it up, I should be able to make it go away. Also, with regards to the first argument, I don’t think the reason I am depressed is so people will meet my needs, I feel like I can’t even meet my needs, which really depresses me. Explain that! With regards the the anger turned inward argument, while that may be some of depression, I don’t know how that can be all of it. Depression is such a weird thing that can be different for different people… it is so weird how even psychologists don’t grasp that concept sometimes.
  • Part of my depression comes from issues I have in life. I have talked to many people, and discovered that a lot of people share these problems. But is that supposed to make me feel bad that I feel this way? It kind of makes me feel like I am being a baby, and that freaks me out even more; mostly, because I’m not.

Well, that was probably a lot to take in today, but that is pretty much what is going on in my head right now. Feel free to discuss any of that you want to; the posts for the last couple of days haven’t seemed to interest too many readers. Hope everyone is staying dry today…

is it just me?, listen up!, near and dear, that is so gay, venting

does it matter if it is fake, given that it happens all of the time?

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Dave emailed me about this blog post earlier. I read it, and like the writer of the post, I felt sick. In fact, still do. I feel horrible that another person would suffer the fate of suicide, because of the lack of care and real love from their family. I feel awful that someone would take their life because they felt so alone and so misunderstood, that they became depressed to the point of suicide. And probably even worse, is that I feel angry that people like this boy’s mother continually do this same sort of thing over and over, causing more and more kids to go through similar scenarios; many of which end with the same conclusion.

The blog post I am talking about, is referring to a forum-posted story where a Christian Fundamentalist mother finds out her son is gay, he comes out to her, and she suggests therapy; only her response is to tell him the therapist is wrong for saying being gay is normal, and that he should instead not act on his feelings. The mother proceeds to turn her back on understanding her son, and ceases to be there for him emotionally; actions which stem from her fundamentalist beliefs. Unfortunately, the result, is that her son commits suicide, leaving her wondering why he resorted to such a drastic response to her lack of understanding.

Now, while I feel the same things that probabilityzero felt, hurt, anger, disbelief, disgust; I couldn’t help but notice something eerily consistent in the comments both on his website, and on digg (where it no doubt made its way due to how interesting it was, I assume): many of the people commenting are way too focused on whether or not the story is actually true. People are going so far as to chastise the writer of the post for his feelings about this occurrence on the grounds that the story might not be true. I have a huge problem with that, mainly because even if this story isn’t true, this sort of thing happens all of the time!! It is known that the suicide and attempted suicide rates among gay and lesbian teens is higher than any other group of adolescents, and in many instances, these actions are due to religious persecution and self hatred stemming from families that refuse to understand their children.

While it angered me to see people chastising the boy for being gay, seeing people agree with the actions of the mother, and even seeing people say that the mother was in no way to blame for the death of her son, it bothers me more that people would focus on this not being an issue, simply because the instance may or may not be a real life instance. This type of thing is exactly what I encountered when I wrote that post about Donnie Davies from yesterday; while he may or may not be real, people like him exist and do the same things that he is doing, for real. While this woman may or may not have posted a true story about her religion getting in the way of her love for her son, and the subsequent consequences of her actions, there are parents that are making the same decisions and doing the same hurtful things to children all over the world, for real.

This issue of religious fundamentalism and the judgement that stems from it is something that makes me so angry, but at the same time, incredibly sad. I was lucky enough to escape most of the religious persecution many gay youth encounter, only to impose it upon myself when I was going through the process of coming to terms with my own sexuality. I thought of suicide many times, and luckily, I never attempted it; but there are many that are not so lucky. I remember what it felt like to be so utterly alone and afraid that my being homosexual was a sin, so much that it was an actual physical pain in my body. I hated myself for who I was, and it cost me a lot of self respect, happiness, and time; but luckily, it didn’t cost me my life. No one should have to go through this alone, and this boy unfortunately did; because his mother turned her back on him when she denied who he was. Her actions forced his depression to grow, and he wasn’t able to overcome it. Whether or not this boy is real, there are many other boys and girls out there that are just like him, feeling those feelings, and experiencing that same depression.

If I had my way, there are a few things that would happen, relating to this true or untrue story. One, I continually hope that religious fundamentalists would actually practice what they preach (i.e., love is supposed to be absolute, not a pick and choose issue-based thing) and stop using religion to discriminate anyone because of who they are, or who they believe themselves to be. Two, I wish that people could stop focusing on whether or not one instance of something like this is real or not, especially when this is just an example of a very real problem occurring right now all over the world. And three, I hope that all kids out there struggling with their sexuality that face this sort of persecution and ignorance will have the strength to make it through their depression and live their lives happily. One of the worst things that ever happened to me was living in the closet, and I am grateful that somehow I was able to make it out; I wish the same for everyone else that struggles with this issue.