What I want to write about today is something that may or may not be taken in the right way, and frankly, I am not going to let that stop me from saying it. First of all, while I fully admit, and own the fact that I am not the most secure person in the world, I try really hard not to let my insecurities get the best of me. I tend to be the person that speaks the loudest in a group, and sometimes, that makes me wonder if I am going a little too far, and so, I feel insecure. Sometimes, I feel as if I have crossed a line, and annoyed someone, and when my insecurities kick in, it has me apologizing for my actions, and trying desperately, to “fix” whatever has happened; rather than just believing them when they say that everything is fine. It is something that I am working on, and probably will always work on, but it is mine, and that I understand and accept it. The most important part of the insecurities I have about myself, is that I never let those insecurities turn outward, into hate, fear, jealousy, or disrespect. I never let insecurities that I have for myself turn outward on others in a negative way, by trying to mask my insecurities by making fun of others. While I don’t agree with everyone, I try my best to avoid picking on others, and especially, I try very hard to prevent disrespecting other people; simply because I understand what it is like to have insecurities, and more importantly, I don’t think that anyone deserves to be made fun of, either as a mechanism of covering your own feelings about yourself, or as a mechanism for making yourself feel better by degrading another human being. In the cases where I have given in to my insecurities, and used them for hateful and spiteful reasons, I find that I feel worse than if I would have just dealt with it myself. Picking on and degrading others has never made me feel better; nor should it, it is just plain wrong.
What I don’t understand, is how the perpetuation of hate, fear, and insecurity by degrading others actually makes people feel better about themselves. I truly believe that everyone deserves to be respected; and don’t take this in the direction of the governmentally appointed rights, because that is not what I am saying. I believe, that has human beings, we all deserve the right to be ourselves and have the respect of others; regardless if it is approving or simply letting us be. For example, being gay, I understand wholly what it is like to be hated because of who I am; but I honestly believe that no one deserves to be in that position, and most importantly, that the hated being directed onto people doesn’t have to exist. You don’t have to agree with being gay to not hate gay people; you can simply let it be, keeping your hatred from hurting someone else. But unfortunately, for many people, they feel better about themselves when they harm, insult, and pick on gay people. Whether this comes from fear, hatred, or insecurity (or all three plus other issues) is different for each one of those people, but it still surprises me that so many people can justify to themselves that disrespecting and picking on others is okay. Perhaps more importantly, I am surprised that they use disrespect and hurtful actions towards others, as a mechanism for masking their own negative feelings of themselves.
These people are running away from themselves and what they feel, by making others feel just as bad as them. They believe that if they pick on, and make fun of others, that when the person being picked on feels bad, it will will somehow level the feelings of hurt, and diminish what they feel inside. They attempt to take away some of their pain, by inflicting it on others. While many people do this all of the time, I just want to know; what is it in your life that you are so afraid of, or are so insecure about, that you need to hurt others to feel better about yourself? And, most importantly, does it really make all of those things that are hurting you melt away?
I ask this, today, because I know of more than a few instances where I have been the subject of someone’s ridicule for no reason, other than to somehow make them feel better. When I was in school, life was a living hell for me, because the entire school thought it was awesome to pick on me. I was an easy target, because I was obviously gay, and somehow, people believed that if they channeled their anger and insecurity onto me, they would feel better about themselves. What I have come to realize about people that do this, is that those people are really just afraid of dealing with their own issues, and so they point out and ridicule others. It makes them feel better. And you know what? That is really, really sad. I truly feel sorry for people that deal with this, and as someone who has been on, and continues to be on, the receiving end of the ridicule, I share in the pain that victims of these perpetrators feel. I feel disgusted and hurt when people pick on me, and my first reaction, is to lash back out at them; but, I have realized that doing that will not make me feel any better. What they are trying to do is cover their insecurity and fear within themselves, by turning it into hate, and using that hate on me. By being hateful back, I become no better than them. And I certainly don’t want to find myself being as sad and pathetic as they are; trust me, I have enough insecurities, there is no need to add more.
My main reason for me wanting to write this post, is partly to prove to myself that I am mature enough realize that being ridiculed and disrespected by things that people say and do to hurt me in order to make themselves feel better, makes them the one that is sad and pathetic, and not me. I am the one that maintains my own ability to feel good about myself, and it is strengthened by understanding that those people are just doing this out of fear and insecurities they have within themselves. I believe that all people, deep down (even you dave!), are good people. That is what keeps my hope alive for human kind. But, I realize, that not everyone is like me, and not everyone seeks to help others and build them up, but instead, for reasons relating to the views they have of themselves, that they have to hurt others to make themselves feel better. While I do hope that it makes people who do this sort of thing feel like a better person, I can’t help but feel sorry for them, because if that is what they rely on to make themselves feel better in life, they really do have a sad and pathetic way of living. I hope that I will remember and utilize this philosophy in the future when people decide that they want to hurt me or ridicule me for their own gain; because I will then be able to turn my hurt and pain into feelings of sadness and sorrow for that person, because they are truly the ones that are hurting.
It really is too bad that I didn’t know about this when I was in school. Either way, I honestly wish that this was something that all kids knew, and perhaps, with the knowledge about people on both sides, we can all come to the middle, and the hurting can stop. But until that time, there will be the sad and pathetic that seek out to hurt those that are already dealing with their own issues, rather than putting them off on others, and I have no control over their actions. What I can control, is I can realize and embrace the fact that, those of us that are dealing with our issues are the strong ones, and that we are the ones that don’t need anyone to feel sorry for us, because we are dealing with it, rather than using it to hurt someone else.