Tag: anxiety

all about me, hmm interesting, that is so gay, the catch-all-egory

appetites and anxiety

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It seems that lately, I have been quickly losing my appetite. I noticed it last week, but this week, I have been almost completely uninterested in eating. I don’t really know what is going on with this, but perhaps it will help me lose some weight; I weigh more than I ever have right now, and I am NOT happy about that. Don’t worry, I am not going anorexic, so don’t leave comments freaking out on me. I have been down that road, and I don’t see myself going there again.

I am getting kind of anxious about the upcoming weekend, and all of the things that go along with attending and celebrating Pride. While I LOVE seeing shows and people watching, and really taking in everything wonderful about Pride, I am really leaning towards skipping the parade. I have not been able to deal with heat lately, and it is only getting worse as the summer steam rolls on. I have gotten to where when I am outside, and it is stifling hot, I find myself dripping in sweat (like I have ran a marathon) as soon as I step outside. To top that wonderful-ness off, I get light headed and my anxiety only grows, and I sweat more. It isn’t pretty, and it is something that I have been avoiding pretty much at all costs. If I go to the parade, avoiding that state would be impossible, so I am leaning towards skipping it.

I can just go back and look at my pictures from last year’s parade in the AC; I guess that would be kind of like listening to the CD instead of going to the concert, right? Either way, I am still undecided. Other than that, I got my new lens this week, and I have been playing with it, seeing what I can do with it. I think I am going to challenge myself to use it exclusively at Pride, but I guess we will see. It was a huge expense (I am still feeling that), but I really think that it was worth it… The potential is great!

all about me, happenings, photography, shiny stuff

maybe it’s a sign?

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Well, I have had a pickle of a time with trying to apply to the accelerated RN program at Perimeter, which has gotten me thinking; MAYBE this is a sign. Maybe I should be just applying to a regular BSN accelerated program; and there are two who’s deadlines are months away. So… that’s what I think I am going to do.

The only thing is, that I will have to do it full time, so I will have to figure out some way to attract a magic money fairy in order to sustain my lifestyle. Shit, maybe I’ll just borrow more money; I ONLY have 40k in student loans right now… what’s 30k more? Either way, it may not be what I planned, but it was originally what I wanted to do, so maybe it’s for the best. Now… here’s hoping I can get in. Jeez… Stress!

Also, I am seriously lusting after this lens (actually using it at lunch DID NOT HELP). I know that I said “for my birthday”, but I really want it now (don’t we all want things right away when we want them?). I am thinking about getting it soon, because I am going to NYC in a couple of weeks, and it would be PERFECT for my trip. It is difficult to justify such a massive expense, but it is worth it, right? Why can’t I win the damn lottery already??!

Ah… the things in life we stress over, right? Oh yeah, and it’s damn hot out too! HA!

all about me, hmm interesting, is it just me?, near and dear

I think that I expect too much sometimes

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Perhaps all of the time.

I think that I get my feelings hurt, or am disappointed, because I expect too much. Is it possible, that I put too much thought, guilt, worry, or anxiety into relationships, so much so, that I inadvertently cause the situation to go all weird? I wouldn’t think that this would be the case, because if it were, it would be the standard; and it isn’t.

I mean, I really don’t think that I do any of this outwardly, or even on purpose, but for whatever reason, I feel like there must be something that I do that makes people change. It is the only solution that I can come up with, although, it is really the only one that I can truly substantiate if it is reality. Again, I probably am over-analyzing things, but what if I am not? What if there is something that I do, something small, that causes these changes in my relationships with other people?

Maybe I expect too much. I don’t think that I do, but maybe I do… Maybe that is more of the problem than the actual situations that I find myself in from time to time; expecting too much will always mean that I am the one that is let down. I don’t know how I find myself here all of the time, but here I am, and it really upsets me. It really breaks you down to feel this way so much, and very rarely gain any resolve for the situation.

So why do I keep doing it? Why can’t I stop thinking for one minute, and just let things travel on their own? I honestly don’t know, but I know that I have always been this way, and if it is the problem, it is more than frustrating; it is debilitating and very upsetting, especially because it is unconscious. I want to just exist in a place where I am involved with people that understand me, and I don’t spend a lot of my time over-analyzing actions, words, or the lack of either. I don’t think that it is paranoia, because I am definitely experiencing it; but I do think that it could be that I expect too much sometimes.

I’m just going to put on my headphones, listen to some music, and try to forget myself for a little while. I am clearly thinking too much this morning. To top it all off, Sydney isn’t feeling well, and we had to take him into the vet yesterday for an IV and some tests. After they brought him out, I was holding him, and he just pissed all over me; without warning. Poor little guy. I just hope that he is feeling better soon… I know that my wallet would be happier as well.

all about me, flickr

the first rung

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first rung, originally uploaded by duanecmoody.

Somedays, it is almost impossible just to grab that first rung and pull yourself up. Today is one of those days. A lot to do, and a big block of anxiety sitting in the way.

What happened to me… I used to be able to handle pressure pretty well. Well, I guess I at least need to reach out for the damn thing and at least give it a go.

Wish me luck.