all about me

thanks, y’all

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I just wanted to say a big thanks to everyone that offered kind words about my family woes, it is much appreciated. I am glad that when I wrote about something that was deeply affecting me, that people responded, and many even had similar experiences to share. I believe that is why I keep coming back each day to these internets and pour part of myself out onto this blog. I feel like I belong to a community of folks that actually do care, and while some don’t agree with me, others reinforce the idea that we are not alone in our opinions and situations. It is awesome.

To follow up on the whole feeling of being outside of my family, I wanted to address a few of the comments that were left, because they both resonated so strongly with me (not to say the others didn’t, so don’t get your panties in a wad, you are important too!).

First, PJS asked me if I had brought this up with my family, and followed that with the suggestion that doing so would probably better identify the problem, and hopefully work it out. While that is great advice, all I can say is that it isn’t that simple. First of all, I live in a family where you don’t talk about things or show emotion, because to do so, is a sign of weakness. To be human means that you are flawed, and once those flaws are exposed, people in my family attack you like a pack of buzzards on a carcass. This is a lesson that I learned the hard way, and I still find myself the ridicule of my family every time I am around them. I get criticized for everything I do, and even what I don’t do, so it is needless to say that there is a strong sense of avoidance when it comes to confrontation with me and my family. I don’t want to expose how I feel for fear of attack. I think that it may not be the healthiest way to deal with it, but it is honestly all that I have; so I make due.

Second, a few people asked/suggestively wondered if this was related to me being gay. While I don’t know for certain how they feel, they say that they accept me, but honestly, they show me otherwise. As a result of their actions, I can only assume that some of it must be because of the fact I am gay. My parents were pretty easy to come out to, I wrote them a letter, and they said everything was fine (even though they knew… which puzzles me that they saw me struggling, and never once tried to make things better by meeting me half way; but honestly that is probably similar to what I am currently experiencing), and said that they still loved me. BUT, they don’t want to talk about it. They didn’t then, and they don’t now. James and I go home for Christmas, and it is hard not to stumble over the large pink elephant in the room. They know, but it is almost like they don’t want to know, because if they did, they would call us and be involved in our lives. They would treat us like they treat my sister and her husband. They would care about James because of how much he means to me, but I honestly don’t know if they do. They say they do, but they show me otherwise, which makes it hard to truly believe.

Now, that kind of brings me to the last thing that people suggested, which was for me to keep trying, and never give up on my parents or family. But I honestly have to wonder; why should I? Haven’t I done enough? Aren’t my parents supposed to be the parents, and not me? Aren’t I the one that they are supposed to love unconditionally and accept? I know that means it would have to be the idyllic situation, and we aren’t dealing with one of those, but I honestly don’t think that it is expecting too much from them; especially considering that I have been doing it all of these years. What this has taught me, these 27 years of dealing with my parents and family, is that if anything is going to be done, I am going to have to do it. Honestly, the reason why I wrote the post the other day, is because I am just so tired of doing it, maintaining it, and seeing nothing in return, that I am just ready to throw the towel in. I feel like it would be less stress in my life, and I could finally move on, and cut that tattered cord. I could finally stop caring about what my parents think or do, because it has become apparent that they don’t seem to care about me in the same way. I am not saying that I hate them, or anything of that nature, but I am saying that maybe I don’t necessarily have to like them (thanks Joe! (my therapist)). Maybe I don’t have to keep trying, because as brett pointed out, you can’t choose your family, although you can choose your friends. Your friends become what your family is not, and luckily, I can say that I have great friends that are totally there for me. I love the friendships I have made (especially recently), and really believe that if I am not going to get it from my parents, my friends will more than fill the bill; they already are.

I guess I just want to end another long ass post (sorry y’all) with a thank you, but a confession that I have no idea what is going to happen, or even if anything will come of this. I felt 10000 times better after writing that down and clicking on the “Publish” button, but it also scared me a little that I feel this way, and don’t truly see how it can be resolved. Maybe we’ll work it out. Maybe we won’t. The future is an interesting thing, because it hasn’t happened yet. But one things for sure, I greatly appreciate all of the friends I have out there (both IRL and URL), and thank you for your kindness. It’s hard enough to bare your soul and air dirty laundry, but it is better when people understand you and make you feel like you are definitely not alone. Thanks for putting up with my long posts, and just know there will probably be more; now that I know it is okay to be human and express your feelings without getting attacked every time you do.

show the love

happy birthday to my man!

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Today’s James’ birthday. I am the luckiest man alive to have someone so wonderful in my life. Here he is in his new wrestling mask. I guess it’s gonna be a Nacho Libre Birthday, bitches!!! See you at Sweetwater!

Oh yeah, and thanks for all the kind words on yesterday’s post, folks. I really appreciate it. Seriously.

all about me

weird places

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Do you ever feel like you are just in a weird place, for one reason or another, in your life? Mine is more of a day to day thing; some days, I feel great (!), and other days, I would rather just stay in bed. Today is one of those “in bed” days. Now, I know that this is all related to my depression, but in addition, I have had a few things on my mind lately, and I felt it befitting to discuss them on my blog, since, well, it is supposed to be my online journal or whatever.

Regardless, here goes:

I got a picture, from my cousin no less (note, not from the actual mother, or my mother for that matter), of my nephew. Interestingly enough, when I was looking at the photos, which had my mom and my sister in them, I couldn’t help but feel like I was looking at someone else’s family. While I know that it was my mom and my sister, they just felt like strangers to me. To those that know me, it is no secret that I don’t have much of a relationship with most of my family, and to those of you that are just finding that out, well, um, there isn’t much else to say other than it’s true.

But seeing those photos made me feel even more separate.

You see, the last time I talked with my sister, was on her birthday (a couple of weeks after the birth), and the last time I spoke with either of my parents was that same day (mother’s day). I have had no updates on this nephew, and no word whatsoever as to the well being of my mother, father, or sister. Before you suggest this, I know what you are thinking, “why not call them/her?”; but honestly it just isn’t that simple, considering that I have called them/her (a few times), and I get nothing but voicemail and no return phone call. If James or I call, even if it is as trivial as to ask a question about landscaping (which my parents are great at), we don’t even get a call back.

The result, is that I feel as if I have been excluded, pushed out, of my own family, and that they expect me to claw my way back in. I feel as if I have tried so hard to get attention, affection, anything, that I am just worn down to the point of sheer exhaustion and apathy. I just feel like, if they don’t want me, then I am through trying so hard to get them to want me. I just want to move on. But a part of me can’t (or won’t), and so it makes me anxious.

The worst part, is that when I don’t call, and when I stop trying to claw my way in, they eventually do come around and call (months later), only to guilt me for not calling sooner. They guilt me because they haven’t seen me. They guilt me, and by doing so, relinquish all of the blame for my absence back on to me. And that is why I don’t call. To avoid the guilt. To avoid the hidden blame. To avoid talking to strangers. I can’t call again. I am just too tired.

Honestly, even though I am tired, worn, and apathetic, I still feel that guilt (funny thing, guilt, you feel it even if you don’t want to), I still feel that exclusion, and I want it to stop; but I can’t even begin to know how to make it stop. I have to learn a way to keep myself from feeling this way because of what they do, or in this case, what they don’t do. The weird place this has put me in these past few days tells me that maybe it is best that I am arms length, because cutting the cord (albeit, a worn, tattered, almost broken cord) won’t be so difficult. But under that, in the back of my mind I fear that when I do cut the cord it really will be over, and I really will be out for good. I fear that they really don’t want me, and that this isn’t just forgetfulness or busyness on their part, but actual apathy and abandonment. And this makes me anxious and tired, but unable to act. Unwilling to act. Powerless. I just wish I could change what I need to change, in order to make my life more of what I want it to be, rather than what someone guilt-ed for me.

that is so gay

people are always asking, so here’s a great reason…

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why I fucking hate W:

“Ages of experience have taught us that the commitment of a husband and wife to love and to serve one another promotes the welfare of children and the stability of society”

Gay marriage is back on the chopping block (conveniently in time for elections… hmmm), and I view this as a direct form of hatred against me. I don’t care what you think about Bush, or how you look at it, but it is undeniable that this is bigotry and hatred, and makes my fucking skin crawl. AND, for that reason, if for no other reason, I hate that fucker.

Now, let’s dissect what he is saying here, and really examine what is really being “upheld” and “protected” by this ban on gay marriage:
1) “commitment of a husband and wife to live and serve one another” — um, how does that change when gays get married? IT DOESN’T!!!!!!! Unless, you are fucking a gay person on the side, and well, that is your issue, not all of ours, ass.
2) “promotes the welfare of children” — If you are so worried about the welfare of our children, start showing us!!! Bush, you don’t give a shit about the kids, right? Because if you did, then you would actually start properly funding the programs that support them. This would be a great place to start showing us that you actually DO care about kids, as opposed to using a hot button issue that furthers your own religious agenda.
3) “the stability of society” — So you are telling me that gay marriage is so powerful that it can unhinge the very stability of society (at that straight marriage, even at it’s current 50% failure rate, will maintain it?)? Well Goddamn! That is a powerful fucking ability we gays may have!! You must stop that! We wouldn’t want things like disappearing social security, absence of national health-care (with more than 15% of people without health insurance), a war with no exit strategy, demonization of immigrants, or an insane deficit to occur (because I can argue certifiably that these things, without a doubt, are essentially threatening the stability of society) because of gay marriage… oh wait, that um, has happened without our help. You did all that on your own. So leave us the fuck alone, asshole, and stop treating gay marriage like it a bigger problem than actually taking care of the shit that is going down right now! Maybe you should look more at your priorities than gay marriage! Gee for someone who is so against the gays, you sure do think about us a lot.

Can’t everyone just realize that we want one thing with legal gay marriage, and it is TO BE LEFT THE FUCK ALONE!?!?! Why is that so very hard to comprehend? Jesus! And people still wonder why I don’t support the president, and why I am willing to buy a CD of people who don’t as well… well, now you know!!! And for the record, because I know that there are those of you out there that will be all, “but it isn’t just the president” blah blah blah. Save it. I know there are a lot of cruel and evil fuckers that have their hand in this too, I am not excluding them, but HE said this. HE believes this, and HE is pushing this. So HE is the one that I can direct my disgust at, after all, he is throwing hatred at me; fairs fair.

(link)

venting

I can’t believe I have to write another post about the Dixie Chicks, but…

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I feel the need to make a note of clarity, as there are people out there on the internets that think my taste in music is solely representative of my political views. (And who cares if it is? Is that wrong?) For the record, I am excited about the stance the Dixie Chicks have taken, and I am proud of them for standing up for what they believe in. I honestly believe that when you have the ear of millions of people, and you can still say what you believe and stand up for what you believe in, you have an incredibly high level of integrity. When I heard that the Dixie Chicks had a new album coming out, I was intrigued and surprised because of the continued asinine controversy, and I must say, I was more excited about getting it when I heard they weren’t backing down from their statements. While my decision to buy the CD was not solely motivated by their political stance, it did heighten that excitement, and made their CD a must have for me. It doesn’t matter if I had even heard of the Dixie Chicks, of which I have all their albums, because if I want to support an artist because of a a political tone they took on a record, I CAN! In fact, I bought Pink’s album for the very same reason. Does that mean that I wasn’t a fan of Pink’s, or that I ONLY bought the album because of the song that rails the president on it? Well, um, no. But it was a huge motivation, seeing as it was given to me for free, and I still bought it… I support Pink because I appreciate that she shares my opinion, and if you don’t like her or the Dixie Chicks’ opinions or music, then by all means, don’t support them. But other people can and will. (keep in mind that the point of my last post was more of an angry rant as to why free speech warrants a death threat, as well as my state of awe at the people that still support the president; not that those people were stupid… I just don’t understand how people can’t see the nose on their face sometimes.)

I’ll now go on record as saying that I am the type of person that if someone out there shows me some support, like for example, Charlize Theron’s refusing to get married until it is legal for gays and lesbians, you can better fucking believe I am going to throw my support right back at them. There are enough people that hate me and are against everything I believe in, so I am going to cling to the ones that stand up for me. In my opinion, what point is having all of that voice and audience if you don’t use it? The beauty of this country is that I can have my opinions, and you can have yours; but it doesn’t make me wrong or “sad” for expressing them. I am against the president because he is against me, plain and simple. The Chicks believe that and say it, so guess what, I am supporting them.

Just so you know, this post is solely motivated by a certain other ATLblogger, who decided he would write a post about me, quote me, and not even tell me. Honestly, I couldn’t give a shit that someone disagrees with me, in fact, people disagree with me all of the time. What does bother me, is when people generalize what I say, and take what they need to develop a skewed opinion about me; that they then post on the internet without telling me or owning up to it. If you have a problem with a post I wrote, COMMENT ON IT. Don’t go and write a whinny post on your site about how fucked up it is; that’s why I have comments enabled! I will admit that we have had a few email exchanges, and the reason why I felt it was necessary to air said email exchange, is because first of all, it really makes me mad that someone would talk about me seemingly behind my back and not have the guts to just comment on my site and talk to me about it. Trust me, if you have a problem with me, or my views, then let’s talk about it. By all means, you will see that you are not alone in your views, and also see that I am not alone in mine. Secondly, this person has taken fragments of what I have said, and, in a typical “hear what you want to fashion”, has only referenced the parts in which he believes I express my true opinion. I really can’t stand being misrepresented, and if you didn’t get enough information about something from a post that I wrote, then why not engage me on the rest that may be there, instead of assuming that everything is so black and white? NOTHING in life is black and white, and it is just silly to think so; as well as insulting to determine that I think that it is as well.

Well, I was going to finish this post with a wrap up of our email conversation, because there are things he said that I certainly think are generalized and that I don’t agree with, but… he has expressed a desire to keep them private, because they were not comments on a blog, and as such, were not made public. Since I do have integrity, the part I was going to write about here will be left out, because he has asked me not to publish said emailed comments; I certainly don’t want to be a hypocrite. I do however find it interesting that someone can make statements and cast opinions, but doesn’t want to actually discuss them. Interesting.

Oh well, that’s what I think about all this, and that’s all. If you don’t think that musicians have any say so in politics or issues, then I just suggest that you think about that little thing called the Constitution… it says otherwise. We may not like what people say, but they have the right to say it… even the Dixie Chicks. If pop culture doesn’t have the right to comment on their beliefs or views, then who does? Did any of you see the Passion of the Christ for crying out loud?

"pointless"

you can call me Veruca Salt

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Because I WANT THIS NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
motoq.jpg
Hopefully, it will still be on sale August 11, the day my “new every two” kicks in. If you get one between now and then, let me know if it rocks your face off. If it sucks, be sure to tell me that too.

funnies

normally, I wouldn’t, but…

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I delete spam 99% of the time. Hell, if I don’t recognize the email or the name, I delete it immediately (so sorry if you sent me a message with HI or whatever in the subject line and I never emailed you back… chances are, I deleted it). But one that just came (HA!) through my inbox was just too good not to check out. The subject line was:

Hi, opium poisoning

Now, that peaked my interest. First of all, who in their right mind would type that out, and then send it, in order to get me to buy a product or check out a website (well, other than a reputable opium dealer)? Why Joseph Hilario, that’s who!! Now seriously, after seeing this “catchy” title, I think to myself, “self, what is in this message? Will it hold the key to larger genitals or miracle weight loss regimens? Will I finally be able to cure that nasty ED?”. Well, none of the above today, kids, instead, I found this, which actually made me snort I laughed so hard:

Within the adlt industry, it’s no secret porn stars use supplements to help them cum more.
Along with numerous stars that use our product, thousands of men
have increased their sperm volume with our formula. If you’ve ever
wanted to cum like a porn star, SPUR-M will get you there.
(We are endorsed by DavyD, renowned in the porn industry
for the amount he ejaculates! this is all thanks to SPUR-M)SPUR-M has an impressive history.

Wow. I can’t even begin to express the true emotions that I feel when I read this. I mean, I have never even heard of a guy that wants to cum more. Maybe if he did, then his porn name could be like Dick Geyser or something clever like that; you know, a play on the whole “Old Faithful” stream of cum, right? I can honestly say, this Joseph Hilario hasn’t managed to convince me that I need to cum more, but he has convinced me to check out more spam emails; perhaps their is something interesting in them after all.

that is so gay

If homosexuality is a choice, then so is heterosexuality; you can’t have it both ways

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Basically, this post is a venting that comes from a back and forth “debate” I have been in with someone calling themselves “right winger”, on the Boy Scouts post from a few days ago. Basically, this person has taken it upon themselves to inform me that homosexuality is a choice, and that it is wrong. Even though I have informed right winger that to say that is ignorant and judgemental, s/he still insists that homosexuality is a choice and is, again, wrong (according to his/her beliefs), and that because other people have those beliefs, that is isn’t ignorant or bigoted. Well, this may come as a shock, but I wholeheartedly disagree; and here’s why.

Homosexuality is no more a choice than heterosexuality. I know this, because I didn’t choose to be homosexual; I just am. The same way that people that are heterosexual are just heterosexual. To suggest that homosexuality is a choice, is suggesting that heterosexuality is also a choice, and I don’t think that is something that heterosexuals like right winger are prepared to own up to. Right winger compares the “choice” of homosexuality and the participation in homosexual behavior to things like alcoholism and smoking, but what right winger doesn’t seem to understand, is that even alcoholism has ties to genetics, and it also suggests that if a heterosexual man were given enough penis, and exposure to homosexual activity, then he would potentially develop an addiction (pun definitely intended) to it and “turn” homosexual. I doubt that right winger would want to admit that part, though.

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all about me

relaxing weekends

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I have been decidedly absent from the internets this weekend, in order to get in some much needed relaxation. I even sleep till noon each day. Nice. Nothing going on can be very, very nice.

We went to see the new X-men movie, X3, last night at the drive in. It. Was. Awesome. Seriously, standing ovation to the people who made this movie. BUT… I just want to know why they abandoned pretty well known story lines, and completely went against well known character traits and stories; honestly that part made me a little mad. I am not going to name names, but let’s just say it happens to several different characters, and will leave you wondering, “well, wait a second, that is completely opposite to what happens in the comics!”. Other than that, great action, and great story. The only problem with the changes they made, was it pretty much looks like there won’t be any more X-men movies. Unless they are prequels, or story arcs about one character (Wolverine, etc.). That pretty much sucks, but at least we have 3 great movies to collect and cherish.

Finally, I know I just mentioned it in passing, but the tattoo is done. A painful 3 and 1/2 session on Thursday finished up everything, and even added a little something more; I had him put another ginko leaf on the inside of my arm near my armpit. That shit hurt. It is so bruised and swollen still, so I will take more photos when it is fully healed. Here are some photos that were taken today: (one to tease, and more after the jump)
tattoo2_52906.jpg

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