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I am so excited that this weekend will be a three day weekend, you just don’t know. Relaxing is the main goal, as I have had a tremendous amount of back pain that has not subsided in the least, which began last Friday. I just want it to go away!

I shall now commence my stretching in my office; thank god I don’t have a cubicle, because I am sure it would look strange with me slumped over on the floor!

As for the previous post, I appreciate much of your advice, but I just have to say that even though I don’t want to “punish” my nephew by not having a relationship with him, I also don’t want to make things difficult for me by forcing my way into the lives of people that show me continually that they don’t care about me. I have family that I love and care for, and even though I choose not to stay in touch with some of them, it doesn’t mean I don’t love them. My therapist continually tells me something that I believe to be more and more true each day: just because your parents are your parents, it doesn’t mean that they are necessarily the best people. They aren’t that bad, true, but they don’t treat me how I feel I should be treated, especially because I believe love shouldn’t have conditions.

I will figure out what the best route is for me, and I will take it. It is going to be a journey, and there may be some bumps along the way, but I will be the one taking it, and not letting it take me. For now, I am choosing to steer clear, and I feel confident that I doing what is best for me. Sometimes, you have to be selfish in order to find peace and happiness in your own life; and by god I am going to at least give that a go.

Every once and a while, I dream this dream. I am in school. College. I am taking lots of classes. One class in particular seems to fall to the wayside, and I end up skating through the semester without attending regularly. Two weeks before the end of the semester ends, I realize that not only does this class have an attendance requirement, I have also missed too much content to successfully pass the class. Panic sets in. Just before I fail, and after as much anguish and turmoil possible is felt, I wake up.

This is my dream; but it is also my life. I don’t want to be cryptic, but I am living this dream. I am often missing classes, and always fumbling to catch up. The worst part is, that like in the dream, I have to reason for missing the class or not participating; it just happens. But worse than it just happening, is that I am powerless to stop it. I am powerless to help myself get out of a cycle that is causing me to fail. And that causes me extreme anxiety. Last night I couldn’t fall asleep until 3:30, and it was mainly because this dream was in the front of my mind.

Sometimes our dreams can be good reminders of what we want to achieve, and help us on our way. Other times, they can be grizzly reminders of how we are powerless to help ourselves; no matter how much we may want to do so. Sometimes wanting to be better, wanting to change, and wanting to do more doesn’t mean shit; sometimes, you just can’t.

It is often true… they do get me down. Stayed home today. A little depressed. Not looking for sympathy; just checking in. See you tomorrow.

Yep. Today’s my birthday. WOO HOO!

Thanks to everyone that is helping me celebrate, has helped me celebrate, and will help me celebrate, both IRL, URL, and whatever. YAY!

Something interesting for you to think about (well, it was interesting to me, anyway); yesterday, I went to get a mani/pedi for my birthday. I wanted to be pampered, and all I can say, is that I will definitely be getting these things more regularly from now on. But what was interesting to me about the experience, is that when I walked in, there was an instant feeling of “what the hell is he doing here” in the room. Then, I was ignored by the people that worked there, because they thought I was with the girl in front of me. After I was finally seated and being pampered like a queen, I could still feel the awkwardness related to the fact that I was a man doing something traditionally enjoyed only by women (at least in this shop). In fact, they continually asked me throughout the hour how I knew about the shop, which one of my girlfriends told me to come there, and so on. It was a constant questioning of my motives for coming in to be pampered. Interesting. I just found it interesting, because while driving to get the mani/pedi, I was actually a little skittish because I was going alone, and wanted to avoid the very thing that happened when I went in; those feelings of “what is he doing here”, and the “judgement”. It wasn’t a negative experience, and I would (will) do it again in a heartbeat, but I just found it interesting that feeling that goes with participating in gender specific activities if you are the opposite sex that normally partakes in them.

I was told that next time I will have to go to midtown to get one, because I am pretty sure I won’t be an anomaly… the gays love the mani/pedi’s! I can’t wait till my next one!

Also, as a final note, if you are leaving comments, I know that the site can sometimes take a few minutes to load and whatever, so just hit the button ONCE, and wait. If you hit it several times, it posts it that many times. It is my stupid server that does it, not my site stuff, so please be patient. I appreciate it in advance!