near and dear

I am so utterly filled with dread

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Tomorrow I leave for NC. A 6 hour drive to see people that don’t even care if I show up or not. Scratch that… they do care, but only enough to create and flaunt the guilt that would come if I didn’t show up. So much effort wasted on trying to make me feel bad that I don’t put 100% of the effort into our “relationship”.

Oh well. Thank GOD I have such an amazing cousin (I LOVE YOU!!!) who totally hooked us up with a salvation spot: a hotel to stay in, instead of having to stay at their house. At least we can leave if it becomes necessary. The threat of “I will leave if you don’t stop” can finally be real.

I know that people always wonder what is “so bad” about a family that could cause you to not want to visit them, but it is pretty simple; people that make you feel bad about yourself aren’t good people. Going to their house will be to open myself up to the criticism that they call “love”. Going to their house will make me uncomfortable, because I know what they say about us when we aren’t there. Going to their house will cause me to be subjected to hearing negative things about other family members that I truly love, and who I know truly love me no matter what. I hurts to be around these type of people because they hurt me and call it love. Someone has to actually love me and prevent me from going through this anymore. From now on, that person is going to be me.

No one should feel so obligated to maintain a relationship with people that show you over and over that they do not want one back. Not calling me because you have convinced yourself I am too busy is not an adequate excuse. Throwing tons of guilt at me because I don’t call you isn’t acceptable. The reason you sound like a stranger, and the reason you know nothing about our lives, is because you wanted it that way. You can only expect to get out what you put in, and that is something you both need to know. And I have faith in myself that you will begin to know that soon. And no, that baby will not be your excuse either; you decided how I would relate to him well before he was born, and you have only cemented that distance by never sending me any photos or word of him since his birth. You did that, and you will have to accept it. You will get back what you put in. Nothing.

I have decided that this will be the year that I make changes. Things won’t be this way again next year. I can’t let them continue. And, most importantly, I will NOT be the ONLY one that knows it. I will not silently take the blame, the shame, and play their game.

I officially quit. I am so sick of this shit, and I am not going to put up with it silently alone any more. I will come to see you on my terms, and if you don’t like it, I will leave. But you will know that it was you that made me leave, and you will understand what the guilt that you have thrown at me for 28 years truly feels like. I may hope that it will change you, but I honestly don’t have very high hopes for that… all I can hope for is for my own happiness. And dammit, I am working on it.

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arighty then…

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It seems there is some hotness with the whole blogger meet up thing, so here is my solution, and I am going with it:
— There has never been and never will be an affiliation between ATLbloggers.net and APWBWGTTD. Done.
— There should be a regular meet up place.
— There should also be a regular meet up time (e.g., Every 2nd Wednesday of the month).
— I also propose less emphasis on organization and more on having fun with it; since that is what it is supposed to be about.

I am also floating the idea of a specific APWBWGTTD website. It would post things about the meet up, like reminders, provide a place for you to sign up for reminders, flickr photos and crap like that. Does everyone think that would work for you? Keep in mind, you don’t have to come to every meet up to be a member, and you don’t have to drink if you come. It is just what some of us will do as a part of the meet ups.

I am officially taking votes for the place and the time. I vote for Manuel’s Tavern on the second Wednesday of every month. That is pretty middle of the road, and accommodative, based on what I have heard from people; and it is a good place for meeting up and generally hanging out. We could increase the frequency of meeting up (making additional meet ups on a different night) if people would like that as well.

Let me know what you think about this game plan. I had no idea that opening this can of worms would polarize so many people, so I just want it to get back to drinking with my friends.

Also, on a different note, Little Miss Sunshine is on DVD today. Buy this movie; it is the best movie of the year IMHO!!!

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APWBWGTTD vs. ATLbloggers.net: A dilemma and potential solution

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So there was some concern that came after another “failed” meet up this past week that the group was fizzling out, and was potentially either not worth maintaining, or simply in need of revamping or revitalizing. In my last post, I got lots of comments that showed there was still an interest in having the monthly meet ups (which I was glad to hear, as I do like our meet ups), but conflict was sited as the number one reason for people not coming to meet ups.

Is this true? If so, how would we propose resolving said conflicts? I have a couple of ideas:
1) We could pick a set location for our meet ups. This would prevent the need to continually decide on a place to meet, and would potentially make it easier to attract and keep people interested.
2) Several dates could be picked, and through voting, a final date could be decided upon for each month’s meet up. (I see a pontential problem here, but I am trying to find a happy medium)
3) Or, we could continue to do it the way we have been, and hope for the best (although, Lori has made it clear she will be stepping down as event coordinator); but, the whole point of this post shows that this isn’t working.
4) Other suggestions?

Now, with that being said, I would also like to know what everyone thinks of what Robert said (link). I have to say that I somewhat agree with him; the point of the website was to bring people together through common interest (i.e., blogging) regularly IRL, not just as a feed dump. I feel like ATLbloggers has changed dramatically since I joined, and would like to see some of the sense of community we had a year ago come back into the forefront. Should APWBWGTTD be synonymous with ATLbloggers.net? I think that it should at least be more closely joined. Should it be a (loose) “requirement” that you at least have a desire to participate in meet ups in order to be a part of ATLbloggers? I remember that coming to a meet up used to be a requirement for membership; should that be reinstated and enforced? Before you flip out, I am not talking about FORCING people to hang out, but it would be nice to actually get to know the people whose blogs are showcased on the site; after all, that is the point of having a “club” like ATLbloggers in the first place. If you don’t want to participate, that is fine, but why would you want to have your blog on the site with people you don’t know and have no desire to get to know? That doesn’t make sense to me.

I am sure that some of you will disagree, but let me know why; I just don’t want to see a group that has brought me some really great friends go down the tubes, and I think that it can be saved. But I need your help and suggestions to make that happen. I hope we can make ATLbloggers what it used to be, and bring our group back together. I also hope that by doing some things and potentially implementing new strategies, we can bring more solidarity and community to the group, and potentially help it grow.

I would like to see more than just a core group of regulars; we should all be participating (or having a desire to), because if not, then it isn’t really a meet up anymore, and there really isn’t a reason to continue, I guess. If the same 4 or 5 people are showing up each time, they could probably just call each other and have dinner anyway. Let me know what you all think.

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oh blogger, where art thou?

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While last night’s ATL blogger meet up was a lot of fun, it is starting to look like the end of the whole thing; hardly anyone shows up anymore. Lori asked me if I wanted to take control of the title of cruise director and plan all future ATLbloggers meet ups, because she is tired of the task, and honestly, I don’t know after last night.

Have people just gotten tired of meeting up? Is there something else that is wrong? Let me know, because I know that this will be on the ATL bloggers website, and I want to see if it would even be worth my time to try and keep our little group together. I would really hate to see something that has brought me some excellent friends fizzle and die.

So tell me, bloggers… where are you? Why haven’t you been coming out?? Do you think our meet ups are worthwhile? Do you want to come to future ones? Please, let me know, okay?

And on that note… have a great weekend folks! I am going to go and listen to all the great music I got at Tower today!

listen up!

what about condoms? do we just forget about those?

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Everyone is all abuzz here at CDC because there was a recent study that looks at the efficacy of male circumcision on the prevention of HIV transmission, and again, I sit here and scratch my head. Why? Because things like this really blow my mind. The efficacy was found to only be around 60% effective, and already, I can feel the decline of pushing condoms and other much more highly effective prevention techniques, all because this shows some promise in the highest infection areas of Africa.

Why does that upset me? Well, what that means, is that when our focus shifts even slightly from prevention tactics which are 99% effective when practiced consistently and effectively to a medical procedure that only promises 60% efficacy in the highest risk areas, it tells me that our priorities are not steadfast, and can crumble. Not only that, people will see these messages, and apply them to their own situations, even though they most likely do not share the characteristics of the study; i.e., the study looked at this as a last ditch method of prevention, because condoms were too expensive in these areas, and other people will simply see that as an excuse to stop using condoms. That is pretty scary, and extreme, but it is true.

I for one DO NOT advocate circuncision, period, but also definitely not as a means for preventing HIV. If you want to prevent the transmission of HIV, USE A CONDOM. It is 99% effective (when used consistently and properly), and is something that is way less invasive, and again, way more effective at preventing HIV. Having your child circumcised should be your decision, yes, but please don’t use HIV prevention as the excuse. Consider what a botched circumcision would do to your child; I for one wouldn’t want to have to have reconstructive surgery on my penis, which was completely fine BEFORE the doctors tried to cut it off when I was born.

Long story short:
Condoms prevent HIV.
Circumcision is only an effective method of prevention in extremely high transmission areas where CONDOMS ARE NOT AVAILABLE or ARE TOO EXPENSIVE TO USE REGULARLY.

DO NOT use this as an excuse to stop using condoms, nor as an excuse to cut the head of your sons (or your own) dick off. Please. And frankly, the “it looks better” excuse is unethical; let your son decide that, okay?

movie musings

for anyone else’s consideration (anyone’s other than mine)

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So, we went to see the new Christopher Guest movie, For Your Consideration, last night. I mentioned in the past about how excited I was to see this movie, and when Rich suggested it, I jumped at the chance. I had high hopes, because the previews made it look hilarious, and a part of me doubted that Christopher Guest could get so many awesome actors on board of ANOTHER stinker (yes, A Mighty Wind SUCKED). But, I was willing to give him another shot after A Mighty Wind, and especially after Waiting for Guffman (another horrible movie), because in the middle of that shitty sandwich, was the brilliance that was Best In Show. After seeing Best In Show, I ran to see his other films, and was SHOCKED when I saw how horrible they were. It just doesn’t make sense. Brilliance in the middle of pure shit. So, I thought, For Your Consideration will be another Best In Show… The pattern must be bad, good, bad, and well, then good again, right?

Wrong.

It was awful. There were a few moments that were pretty funny, but overall, the whole movie I sat there thinking, “it is going to get funny any second now”, and then the credits rolled before I knew it. Long story short, if this is on TV, and you have absolutely nothing to do, and are mildly curious about watching, I would consider it, but other than that, just skip it. It was awful.

On the other hand, if you loved those stinkers Waiting for Guffman and A Mighty Wind, you might like this one, lord knows you already like bad movies, what’s one more? I was seriously disappointed, and honestly pretty surprised that this was not only made, but is considered by everyone in it, and even by some of the critics to actually be funny. Maybe I am missing something, but I honestly think that this is the joke; they pretend it is funny to get you to watch it, and then laugh at you for sitting through an hour and a half of pure poop.

And that’s how I feel about that.

well?

so what, it’s just christmas!

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I have received some flack for my lack of Christmas spirit, and my assertions that I will indeed be boycotting the holidays this year, and this flack has made me want to take a second to truly assess; what is the big deal with Christmas?

I know that it is the day Jesus was supposedly born, and I get the need to celebrate that (if you are Christian), but what I don’t get is the mass hysteria and desire to receive gifts that comes along with it. See, for James’ family, they exchange gifts by drawing names. I am a part of this gift exchange. But I have a problem with it, and I always talk with James about it (even though I still just bit the bullet and participate anyway); if Christmas is about presents, isn’t it supposed to be about giving them, not just getting something? See, this gift exchange occurs through the mail, because the people on the list are literally spread across the country and into Canada. We don’t even see each other, it is more of an obligation to get something for someone; but why? For me, Christmas (or general gift giving, really) is not supposed to be about getting anything; it is supposed to be about giving, but because you want to. You give people gifts so you can see them be happy with what you have bought for them; not because you just need to get them something. Buying something for someone just because is quite silly, if you ask me; unless you just wanted to, not because you had to because you are part of a gift exchange where you won’t even see the person receive his or her gift.

I could go on forever about the anthropological history of gift giving and the traditions that go with it (a little talk about the potlatch anyone?), but I really just want to know if I am being so unconventional by thinking of Christmas and gift giving as a little overblown. I mean, in reality, it is just another day, and there should be no more reason to spend time with family any other day of the year, there should be no other reason to give gifts any other day of the year; yet the malls are packed with people spending tons of money to fill the requirement of gifts for others. It just seems a little out of hand to me.

And yes, I am boycotting the holidays. Bah-humbug. I am thankful, and I will give gifts, and I will visit family, but don’t see a need to attribute it to holiday spirit, the day itself, nor the need for Christmas music. What are you all doing for the non-holidays?

all about me, listen up!, mixed media, politics, venting, well?, wtf?!

do you think he has been drugged?

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That is the only thing that I can think of that would lead Bush to be open minded, and actually LISTEN to a plan about the war that doesn’t focus on “staying the course”, and pumping more and more resources and troops into Iraq. If he is on drugs, I hope he stays on them for at least two more years, so we can get our troops home, and hopefully solve this situation we are currently mucking up half a world away. My only fear, is that listening is not a guarantee that he will actually hear what is being said; let’s hope that my fear doesn’t become reality. Perhaps Bush is beginning to realize that very few people are backing him in his warmongering efforts, and finally grew a conscious!? Who knows… I guess we will see, won’t we? (source)

UPDATE: Looks like he isn’t listening. Stay the course, moron, stay the course. Fucker.

Other than that news, there isn’t much going on for me right now. Going into another weekend, I am just excited about spending time doing things with friends, rather than sitting at work. Man, I cherish my weekends. Don’t we all, though? I just wish I could have an actual vacation, and not have to use it for sick time and going to see family. One of these days, I will spend some time on a sandy beach sipping some kind of fruity drink. On second thought, scratch that, I don’t do sand, and too many fruity drinks can make you feel quite ill; trust me, that is based on experience. I would just settle for a week of uninhibited fun… anywhere. Hopefully some day…

Now, I will quit rambling, and hope that you all have a great weekend. I took some of the advice provided in the previous post’s comments, and hopefully that will solve some of my problems. I may try out WP, but not right this minute. I am also thinking of switching webhosts, so if you have referral codes or shit like that, let me know.

Also, does anyone still watch ANTM? Caridee is the best!! I am so glad she won!!!! YAY! Alright, I’m outta here!

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calling all you computer whizzes!

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Hey! I need some help! As if I needed another reason to fucking HATE myspace, people are stealing my bandwidth by stealing my images. I still don’t understand why people are so fucking stupid that they can’t use a free image hosting service like photobucket or flickr instead of stealing the bandwidth you pay for like the douches they are, but they do. So, now that I have that out… is there a way to keep people from doing that? I mean, other than continually checking your logs and changing file names as necessary? Because that is really annoying. And it will just mean I will have missing images on my site, which is something I want to avoid if possible.

Also, does anyone have any advice about CPU excessive use? Apparently, the web host I use (which I have complained over and over about in the past) has again passed the buck back to me, and said that the reason my website continually exceeds the CPU usage has something to do with my site, and is not their problem. Is there a way I can figure out what is doing it? Also, does anyone think that I should move to a new host? If you have a host that you have never had problems with, let me know, I may move over there asap… I am tired of having issues. Seriously, I need your help computer whizzes!! I am begging!!!

That’s about all I have this morning. This whole thing is just irritating.

the catch-all-egory

interesting talks

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I had a talk with my Grandma today, and it was interesting that we ended up talking about my “life” and the “choices” that I have made. She obviously doesn’t agree with the whole gay thing, but she nonetheless assured me that she loved me no matter what, and that there was nothing that would change that, which was very, very nice. This is nice when you wonder how your family really feels about you, especially when you have a pretty good idea that they don’t agree with your life, and are just too self absorbed to say anything about it.

She did want me to come home for Christmas though, so it looks like I will be making a BRIEF appearance. I am serious… In and out!

Also, something else which really baffles me… I saw a talk that Jimmy Carter was doing the other day about his new book, which calls for peace between Palestine and Israel, and heralds that peace as one of the most important things to bring stability and peace to the middle east, and a self identified republican called in and called him a bigot and an anti-Semite because he wasn’t hugging and patting Israel on the back for all of the shit they have caused. It confuses me and baffles me, that we, as a country still don’t talk about this volatile “holy-war” that has been going on far too long about a claim on a little strip of land. Both sides of that fight are doing the wrong thing; they are both fighting over land that doesn’t necessarily belong to either of them (if you want to get right down to it). (I’m not saying that we should take a side, because there isn’t a side that is fundamentally right! Seriously, we have to just come to some sort of agreement, which is, uh, the point of trying to make a peace treaty, right?) Additionally, we have been in Israel court for so long, that any time anyone suggests trying to view it from a different perspective, that perspective being to not wipe out Palestine and kill all of the people there and chuck the land back to the Israelis, that you are anti-Semitic. That is just bull. First of all, Jimmy Carter is one of the biggest humanitarians in the world, and for what it is worth, as he mentioned to the caller, he is the only one that has brokered peace with Palestine, back in the 70’s with Egypt (which is still honored today). In my opinion, he doesn’t sound like an anti-Semite, he sounds like a man that realizes that war will not solve their problems, and reaching peace between these two volatile territories is the only way to truly secure peace in the middle east, if we could ever truly get it. Why people that ignorant still baffles me. Interestingly enough, as my friend Deb pointed out… those people usually are the same people that are against the Jews over here… go figure.

PS, I also have to turn comment moderation back on, some spam bots are overloading my CPU usage, and until I can get that figured out with my host, the inconvenience falls on you guys. Sorry in advance, ya’ll, please don’t let that stop you from commenting.