Category: near and dear

Tomorrow I leave for NC. A 6 hour drive to see people that don’t even care if I show up or not. Scratch that… they do care, but only enough to create and flaunt the guilt that would come if I didn’t show up. So much effort wasted on trying to make me feel bad that I don’t put 100% of the effort into our “relationship”.

Oh well. Thank GOD I have such an amazing cousin (I LOVE YOU!!!) who totally hooked us up with a salvation spot: a hotel to stay in, instead of having to stay at their house. At least we can leave if it becomes necessary. The threat of “I will leave if you don’t stop” can finally be real.

I know that people always wonder what is “so bad” about a family that could cause you to not want to visit them, but it is pretty simple; people that make you feel bad about yourself aren’t good people. Going to their house will be to open myself up to the criticism that they call “love”. Going to their house will make me uncomfortable, because I know what they say about us when we aren’t there. Going to their house will cause me to be subjected to hearing negative things about other family members that I truly love, and who I know truly love me no matter what. I hurts to be around these type of people because they hurt me and call it love. Someone has to actually love me and prevent me from going through this anymore. From now on, that person is going to be me.

No one should feel so obligated to maintain a relationship with people that show you over and over that they do not want one back. Not calling me because you have convinced yourself I am too busy is not an adequate excuse. Throwing tons of guilt at me because I don’t call you isn’t acceptable. The reason you sound like a stranger, and the reason you know nothing about our lives, is because you wanted it that way. You can only expect to get out what you put in, and that is something you both need to know. And I have faith in myself that you will begin to know that soon. And no, that baby will not be your excuse either; you decided how I would relate to him well before he was born, and you have only cemented that distance by never sending me any photos or word of him since his birth. You did that, and you will have to accept it. You will get back what you put in. Nothing.

I have decided that this will be the year that I make changes. Things won’t be this way again next year. I can’t let them continue. And, most importantly, I will NOT be the ONLY one that knows it. I will not silently take the blame, the shame, and play their game.

I officially quit. I am so sick of this shit, and I am not going to put up with it silently alone any more. I will come to see you on my terms, and if you don’t like it, I will leave. But you will know that it was you that made me leave, and you will understand what the guilt that you have thrown at me for 28 years truly feels like. I may hope that it will change you, but I honestly don’t have very high hopes for that… all I can hope for is for my own happiness. And dammit, I am working on it.

I am writing you this letter because there are some things that I feel that have come between us over time, and I wanted to both address them, and hopefully, start a dialogue that will help us to move past them. First of all, I want you to know that while I do live in Atlanta, I haven’t disappeared from the face of the earth, so the relationship that we once had is something I believe that we could one day have again; but it is going to take some work. It is going to take both of us working to ensure that we are respecting and caring for each other in a capacity that will be a a level high enough for maintaining and fostering a relationship. This is something that I believe we currently lack, and more than likely explains our current circumstances.

I am sure you are wondering where this is coming from, because like mom and dad, you guys tend to look at my life as being so far away that it is almost no longer visible. While things continue on the same as they always have for you and mom and dad, I moved away to Atlanta to follow my gut, to go to school, and I really ended up building a life here, one that I am proud of, and one I would like to share with the rest of my family. But as it stands, we are not only separated by physical geography, we are emotionally disconnected. I feel like the only role I have in your life is being the brother that is probably only mentioned when someone asks about me, or if for some reason I come up on conversation. I feel so separated, and forgotten, and this all comes from the cues and actions that I have experienced up until this point.

You see, I never hear from you. I know what you are thinking, “you never call me either, duane”. That is an easy excuse, but honestly, a part of that is true. I never call. I never call because I have learned from all of the times in the past, that usually, you either don’t want to talk, don’t have anything to talk with me about, or simply won’t return my calls if I leave you voicemail. Additionally, I feel as if our connection has been severed so severely, that it is almost as if we are two strangers trying to have a conversation about lives we don’t know the other is leading. While this isn’t the best situation, this is what I have come to know and understand as my family. My family, to me, consists of people that I see once a year, and hear from only when I haven’t called in a long time, or if something has happened (such as a birth, death, etc). Unfortunately, the main reason that I don’t call, is because every time I do call, either you or mom and dad, there is no concern or interest displayed about me and my life. All I am met with is guilt for not calling, guilt for not visiting, and a complete lack of interest in my life. I don’t know how else to say these things, so I have just been honest. This is how I feel. I am not accusing you of anything, but my feelings are real, and have only grown stronger over time. I will be honest and say that truly I don’t want it to continue this way, but I can’t be the only one that makes that decision. I am going to need your help.

First off, I want you to know that I am telling you that I feel this way, because it is true. My actions (staying distant, not calling) are merely reactions to what I have come to understand as the aforementioned description of “family”. I feel so separated, that I often feel as if I am unimportant, and therefore, not worthy of the time to call, write, or see. The reason I keep my distance and remain disconnected, is because I hear that you and mom and dad care, and that you miss me, but that is not what you show me. You show me that it is my sole responsibility to maintain our relationship, and honestly, if that is the case, then I have pretty much decided that it isn’t worth it to me. It isn’t worth the guilt and the pain that comes from trying to force my way into your lives, because you continually show me that it doesn’t matter if I am in your lives or not. Additionally, when I do come home, I am met with criticism and am often ridiculed, laughed at, talked down to, and made to feel like I have done something wrong, or am some how inferior. I don’t believe that you, or mom and dad, want me to feel this way, and so that is why I am telling you that I do. This way, we can move forward, and the way in which we treat each other can change. It can grow. I want to have a relationship with my family, and I believe that right now, I do not. I hope that we can change that, but again, I am going to need your help.

I am glad that you have read this far, and listened to what I have to say. While you are probably thinking that I am being hurtful, I want you to consider why I have written this letter. I want you to think about what I described that I was feeling, and understand that I have been hurting for a very long time. But I hope that can change. Please let me know if we can salvage our relationship, or if I should just concede defeat. I will always love you, and mom and dad, but I don’t see myself continually running after a train for which I seem to have no ticket. Again, I love you, and hope that we can make this work.

Love,

Duane

(FYI, if you are reading this, and going WTF? I just decided that I would write a “letter” to my sister, after she called me this week and gave me nothing but guilt and grief, in order to tell her how I felt about our lack of a relationship. I don’t know if I will ever send it, but if I decide to one day, at least I have gotten out how I truly feel, and I can reference that if the need should arise. Thanks for listening… perhaps a letter to the parents will be in the future.)

Well, we survived the Arnson wedding; too much drinking is an understatement. Either way, we had a lot of fun, and offer supreme congratulations to the Arnsons; even though James and I can’t get legally married ourselves. Kidding. Well, sort of. Either way, it was a blast, and we are honored we were included.

Yesterday, while I was laying on the couch recovering from the previous night’s reception, I found myself on the discovery health channel watching shows about medical marvels and mysteries, and it got me thinking; we are so freaking lucky. There are people that are born every day with major problems, and many of them never survive. Those that do survive these horrible afflictions undergo surgery and constant suffering, just to live day to day. It really puts things in perspective, and begs that one be grateful for what they have.

But to be honest, all it does it makes me feel guilty for what I do have, especially considering that I find myself depressed and unhappy even though I have them. I know that depression is not ungratefulness, but hey, I am a self-deprecating type of person, so you should expect that from me, right? I should be able to see the great things that I have, but it is almost like I am blinded by something I can’t control. I am powerless to keep it from overshadowing what is good in my life, and that sucks. I am doing what I can to get through it, but it is hard, and things like this just make me feel even more guilty. Hopefully, I can parlay that guilt into something positive, right?

Either way, I am going to try and be grateful today for what I have, and focus on how good things actually are; maybe today won’t be a “bad” depression day for me because of that; and that is all I could hope for. Hope your Mondays are great, kittens.

Last night was the series finale of Will and Grace. I have to admit, that I was a fan of the show, but not so much that I actually watched it regularly. Many times, the show down right infuriated me for one reason or another; Will’s inability/unwillingness to find a boyfriend, Jack’s incessant overly effemininite nature, too many guest stars detracting away from the comedy pairings of the 4 main characters, etc., but I always liked the show, and always ended up watching it. And last night, I have to say, when I sat down to watch the final episode, I was a little bit sad. Sad, mainly because this is one of the first shows I ever saw that even had a glimmer of semblance to someone like me on TV. A gay man as the main character. Groundbreaking, yes, but at the same time, not really. There have been gay characters on TV for years, but what makes this show so special, is that it shows us as just normal people that go on with our lives. It shows Will’s struggle to find happiness amongst all of the chaos in his life, and shows him through what we all want, gay, straight, or whatever in life; to make friends, have relationships with people, be happy, and hopefully find someone that we love that will love us back. Additionally, it offered us his journey in a humorous medium with fantastic characters, and portrayed real bonds between people. Grace is like my ideal example of someone I would be friends with (I even have a Grace), and if I could find her, I would seriously want Karen Walker to become a close friend of mine. To me, this is what was groundbreaking, the fact that these people just were who they were living life, and that Will and Jack just happened to be gay and funny; yes, too gay at times, but what are you going to do… it’s comedy.

With that being said, last night’s episode tried to wrap up the entire series in one hour, which, unlike some shows, where they end with the people just riding off into the sunset or whatever, Will and Grace took us until the end. It showed us what happened with Will and Grace, Jack and Karen, and a couple of other regular characters over the next 20 or so years. And the thing I think that got me the most, and that really threw me while I was watching the finale, was that Will and Grace somehow lost touch, and drifted apart; only to come back together in the end. And you know what, that really got me thinking, it is interesting how people that you know so well, and feel so close to, can drift out of your life almost overnight. At least they were able to come back together in the end, but that final scene, when they all met up in the bar for a drink, it was hard to see people that had spent so much time together, and cared so much about each other, only just then reconnecting after several years apart. It was hard to realize that this is what happens with life, that things change, and that people change, and that sometimes, it works out and sometimes it doesn’t. I know that I am glad that it ended well, with Will and Grace back together, but it was interestingly bittersweet for me, since they had lost touch for almost a lifetime in between. Life imitated for you can truly be accurate sometimes, and it can be hard to watch. I will miss Will and Grace, and I am glad they ended how they did. Hopefully something as good as Will and Grace, or better, will come along to take its place.

My dad called me this morning with the news that my sister had her baby last night around 8pm. His name is Jackson Blake. Could it be any more “country” than that? Probably not… but regardless, yay for her! I guess I am one of those gay uncles now… that’s alright, when he comes out to me in 18 years, we’ll all know it was worth having good old gay uncle duane and gay uncle James!

I just can’t wait to see how long she breast feeds… are we taking bets? I say she won’t last 2 weeks. After all, she is the one that thinks you are more likely to get pregnant while breast feeding; so who knows how long it will take for Nestle to infiltrate the Blake household…

Sometimes, we just have poopie days; nothing is wrong, I just find myself anxious and whatever again… pay no mind. I wrote a poem though!

Bound by burdens,
Bored by boundaries,
I worry about floors and things.
I worry about lives and rings,
I worry too much.
All I see is new to me,
Unreal to me,
Too far from me.
All I feel is sinking appeal
To a thoughtless, heartless beast.
Burdened and beaten day after day,
I try and search for a different way,
But my own worry holds me,
I am chained to always remain,
In my cycle of indecisiveness.
Blinded by blackness
Burdened by boredom,
I halfheartedly search for truth
I make small tears and split fine hairs,
And convince myself I’ll find it.
Still unsure of a lot of things,
Anxious about what futures bring,
I lose sight of the mundane,
I can’t feel the air that’s everywhere,
And I constantly feel without.
A burden to bear
Is my life where,
I fruitlessly bumble about.
It’s sadder than sad,
And it makes me mad,
That I can’t, don’t, or won’t pull out
But the fact is,
That right now,
I honestly just don’t know how.

Alright, I know, I know, that sounds a little depressing, but seriously, writing poems is cathartic… don’t we all feel better? Anyways… hope everyone else is having a kick ass Tuesday.

I found this picture of Sydney on my computer, and I thought that it was hilarious. I have never posted a picture of him before, so I figured this one wouldn’t hurt.

Caption: “Damn paparazzi follows me everywhere. Get that light out of my face! Straight up bitches, I tell ya. Bitches.”

Sydney’s off to the vet today to be tested for heartworms. That is, so we can get him more heartworm preventative medication. Apparently, since he hasn’t been tested for heartworms in a year, even though he has consistently taken the medication, it is required that he be tested before they will give you more medication. What would happen if he had them? Wouldn’t they just, I don’t know, give him the medication?? The people that work at my vet are mental. (perhaps we should do 1800petmeds.com…) And their customer service skills are nil. Cross your fingers and hope that I don’t have to make a scene this morning…

FOLLOW UP:
I picked up dogzilla, and believe it or not, the people at Petsmart were nice. I went in there all prepped to make a scene. I was even puffing out my chest and snarling. It was even cheaper than they mentioned, and when I bought flea stuff, she gave me an extra one for free. I guess it goes to show, when you write people off, and are just about to yell “fuck you” in their face, they hold out a peace offering in a trembling hand. Good form, Petsmart. Good form.

It came up randomly on iPod:
Nelly Furtado – Forca
Caedmon’s Call – High Countries
Noemi – Y.O.U. (Noemi Mix)

I am very excited, about a weird thing; James and I went to get wills and power of attorneys yesterday! It is the closest thing that we can have to achieving some semblance of the protection that marriage bestows; if one of us were to die, our shit will go to the other one, and if one of us gets sick, we can visit the other one and make decisions on their behalf. I am excited, because it is good to have things like this in place before you need them, and there is no time like the present. Things are still being “Å“drawn up” and will be finalized in a week or two (expect another post when that happens… exciting stuff!). After reading one fellow blogger’s story, I was compelled to act on this as fast as I could, with the hope that we will never need them. I hope that this is merely an expensive precaution, and nothing more. But I strongly urge other gay couples out there to take similar action; just in case.

This doesn’t mean that we aren’t going to get married someday (do you think we could pass up an event as fabulous as a wedding?), so you bitches still get to hear ALL about that.

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First let me start by stating how wonderfully beautiful the weather is today… I just want to ride around with the windows down, and the sunroof back and enjoy… and I will get to in a couple of hours!

Next, I want to say thanks to everyone that offered their prospective on yesterday’s post. I still don’t know how I feel, but regardless of how I feel, I do think that it offers my mom a chance to learn more about me, if she wants to. I doubt that she will regularly read it anyway, and whenever I have a Jake-heavy day, I am sure she will not find it interesting and just tune out. Either way, as for now, I don’t really do too much “Å“risqu锝 stuff anyway, so let’s just keep this train rolling.

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After yesterday’s post and “celebration”, reading those homophobic comments, and then reading other people’s coming out day posts and stories, I started to remember how I got to where I am today. This, inevitably made me think back to my childhood, and the talks and experiences I had with my family regarding that ever feared topic of conversation: Sex.

Many people have some point where their parents asked them if they were gay, because, let’s face it, most of our parents know. If mine didn’t know, they should be checked into a facility for the deaf, dumb, and blind (if you have ever met me, you would agree… I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but seriously). But nope, not mine, never asked me a thing. And unlike many kids that happened to get “the talk” from their parents, or some nudge in any direction about sex, there too, I got nothing. Nothing like, “DON’T HAVE SEX, or your penis will fall off, and you will die“, or “just make sure you don’t get her pregnant”. Nope, none of that stuff was ever mentioned.

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