Category: near and dear

it is what it is, right?

I wish I were more of an “it is what it is” kinda guy, I really do. Perhaps then when patients really try my patience, and upset me, I could tell myself, “self, it is what it is”, and just let it go. But I don’t.

This week has really been trying my patience, because of my patients.

See, I am the nurse practitioner, and they are the patients. When they come to me with problems, I listen to their symptoms (self-reported), assess the situation (make my own observation of symptoms if they are present), and based on my education, guidelines, and any other information that I need to access in order to come up with a plan of care, I make a diagnosis, and come up with said plan of care. At that time, it is the time where the patient either likes what I have to say, and agrees to do it, or it can go another way entirely.

Lately, it’s been a little more of the latter, and it’s wearing me down.

See, I am invested in this job. I actually care what happens to the patients, and I want to make sure that I am always operating under the healthcare tenets of beneficence and non-maleficence; which simply means that you do no harm, and you always seek to do the best for the patient that you can. Hence, again, why I use my education, knowledge, and guidelines to guide my practice; whether the patient agrees or not.

Now I get it, you can google anything. ANYTHING. And you can find a ton of information out about just about anything as well. BUT, I challenge anyone that questions why I decided to go one way versus another in my decision to treat (or not); where did you find that info? How did you know how to sift between accurate and often times, mostly wild conjecture? How did you know and when did you learn how to interpret labs, symptoms, multiple medical conditions (not to mention how they interact with all of the other intricacies of other bodily systems), and how to pick and choose between hundreds of different solutions, medications, and remedies to come up with the best solution for yourself? Unless you’ve gone through school for it, you are probably operating under the assumption of what someone else has said, and there is no factual evidence behind it; that is, unless you know where to find the correct remedies and solutions.

This is where the frustrating part starts.

I say, based on what you have told me, and my assessment, we are going to do X.

They say, “well I read online that you need to do X”.

I disagree, because this is not the truth. I assure them that I am using factual, evidence-based practice to guide my decisions, which I even offer to get a second of, by asking my colleagues.

Still, I am often met with eye rolling, and being told that they “know their body”, and demanding certain treatments, which can actually do more harm than good. Worse still are those that have series health conditions and don’t seem to heed my warnings about medication compliance, and put themselves at risk for further harm daily.

It really wears you out when you are not an “it is what it is” kinda guy like me; and because of that, I need to rant sometimes, and that is what this is. Maybe I’ll get better at letting it roll off with years of practice; I certainly hope that I do. I wish I could be a little less stressed about the minutiae of it all, and realize that, yes, when it comes to many patients, it truly is what it is, and I have to just let go, and realize that all I can do is attempt to lead them in the right direction; despite the fact that they have the car in reverse and are slamming on the gas at the same time. I just need to focus on the realization that I am not in the car, and whatever happens really is, ultimately up to them.

it’s the little things that kill


On Bush’s Little Things, which hails from their debut album Sixteen Stone (which came out when I was in high school… many mooons ago!), Gavin Rossdale sings, “it’s the little things that kill, tearing at my brain[s] again”. Sometimes, I feel like that song lyric really applies to me, because I do just that more often than I would like; I tend to let the little things get to me, and tear at my brain, bringing me down.

I think I am a pretty easy-going person for the most part, but there are a lot of times when it’s the little things that kill, and get me worked up, and it’s hard to come back down. This occus in more aspects of my life than I would like, but I’ve always been like this, for as long as I can recall.

Today, on my mind, I specifically refer to work for instance; when I am seeing a patient who has (from my perspective) a lack of a discernible stake in their own health care, it really bothers me. It always did when I was a nurse, and it continues to do so now that I am a nurse practitioner. It frustrates me when patients with serious medical conditions have a seemingly lackadaisical attitude about compliance and management of their illness. Sure, I get it, life happens, and I get that you are “busy and cannot come in so often”, but you have a serious chronic condition that if left unchecked, can literally be the death of you. Surely that responsibility is impressed upon most, right? I like to think that it is, but there are many patients that don’t seem bothered by the fact that they ran out of medication weeks ago, and never thought to call the office and see if we could help them in any way. Perhaps it is, in some part, a coping mechanism, fear, or simply ignorance, but when it is a patient that I have seen multiple times, it really tears at my brain how they just don’t seem to have a care in the world, and this “little thing” doesn’t seem like anything important to them. Then, when I am seeing them for their appointment, I get frustrated, and start lecturing them about possible side effects, complications, and all of that, and they just look at me like I’m being mean to them. Then, I get more frustrated. I get that old adage of you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink; but that means being really angry at the horse sometimes.

I know it is my job to educate, and I have learned in the past year of providing care for multiple patients daily, that I will, and continue to, encounter tons of patients that have real medical issues that they don’t want to, or refuse to take ownership of, and deal with, but it really bugs me, because I sincerely want the best for every patient I care for, and their lack of ownership and action on their own behalf stands in the way of that many, many times.

It continues to frustrate me, and while these are little things, and should be more of slight annoyances and things I should just let go, sometimes, I really brings me down, and can make my day less than a happy one. I hope that through my career I learn how to better walk the line between over-caring and complete ambivalence, because the gray area between the two can make even the most compassionate and patient person very frustrated to say the least. Anyone else work in health care feel this same way? I’d be surprised if I’m the only one, because this job can be very trying at times.

Here’s to going forward and trying to not let the little things kill; and hopefully not ruin my day, either.

So… I’m a family nurse practitioner.

I posted recently about finally graduating from grad school, again, and then I passed the boards. YAY! Today makes two weeks into my new job as a family nurse practitioner, and I can certainly say, that while it is challenging, and I have a LOT to learn, I kind of love it! I know, going from a job that I really never wanted to do again to one that I kind of love? Crazy. It makes me think that this whole journey may have ACTUALLY been worth it. I know I have a lot of growth ahead of me, and I have a lot to learn, but I am going to keep doing what I am doing, and try to enjoy the journey; if this beginning taste is an indicator of what is to come, I may have finally found the right career fit for me… and before I turned 40! HAHA!

sotd: Kelly Clarkson – Piece by Piece (Idol version)

Sometimes, the emotion of a song is so palpable, that even the artist singing it gets choked up. This song from her most recent album of the same title, is beautiful, and certainly one of my favorite from the album, but this performance is just, wow. And she released a new version of it, much more stripped like this performance, and it is heartbreakingly beautiful. I love artists that are this talented, and still in touch with their journey and themselves. Kelly Clarkson is truly a music idol, not just the first American one.

marriage equality, finally… love wins

Today, June 26, 2015, the Supreme Court of the United States decided the landmark case of OBERGEFELL v. HODGES, in which gay marriage was legalized nationally for all states in the United States. This recognizes all marriages that have occurred in states that were previously legal, and validates those marriages as legal in all states in the United States going forward. This is monumental.


Gay. Marriage. Is. Legal. Nationally.

My marriage is legal; not only in D.C., where we got married, but in Georgia, and every other state of the United States. This is an amazing day, and one that was a long time coming. Love truly did win.

Here’s a beautiful snippet of the statement issued by the court:

No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies
the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice,
and family. In forming a marital union, two people become
something greater than once they were. As some of
the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage
embodies a love that may endure even past death. It
would misunderstand these men and women to say they
disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they do
respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its
fulfillment for themselves. Their hope is not to be condemned
to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s
oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the
eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right.
The judgment of the Court of Appeals for the Sixth
Circuit is reversed.
It is so ordered.

It’s a happy day, for sure, and one that I am so glad is finally here. LOVE IS LOVE!!!

year end… again

So again, I find myself at the end of another year, and I am sitting here asking myself, what has happened with this year? It has flown by. Since I started nursing school, and since being a nurse full time, I find that I need to have way more down time, and time that I spend recovering from the job, mostly because it is so tough. That being said, I am definitely still here, and things are good; in fact, much better right now than before, and I feel that it will keep getting better. Here’s a few things that have happened recently that I probably should have blogged about, but didn’t.


In September, James and I got married in DC. Here’s a lot of photos, and I realize that I need to upload so many more… in time. It was an amazing experience. We have been together for a little over 11 years, and we got married with friends and family, and it was honestly, the best I could have imagined. My parents were there, James’ parents were there, and everything went over without any issues. The wedding itself was short and sweet, which I liked, the reception was amazing, and is something that we can always cherish. There were many great memories, lots of fun, and I couldn’t have asked for anything better.

A little over a month ago, I decided to take a big chance, and switch jobs (and hospitals). So far, going from the Emergency Department to the ICU has been a bit of a change (unorganized chaos to timely structure), but I can already tell that I am a lot less stressed, and a lot less upset all of the time. I think the pressure of the ungrateful, not-sick-give-me-a-sandwich patients in the ED finally wore me out, and the universe gave me a huge sign that it was time for a change. I am excited about this new opportunity, and I cannot wait until I get more accustomed to my new environment, and feel as comfortable here as I did in the ED. I have already learned a lot, and I know that this was a good move, and I am excited for the new experience.

Lastly, I started grad school for my MSN, which will propel me from RN to FNP. I am getting more into the process, and I am sure that this is going to be a great thing in the long run, but it’s definitely another major undertaking, that I have decided to take on. It seems that I either love school, or love student loan debt, because here I go again… although the outcome will be a major reward, and I know that it will be difficult, but is ultimately a great choice.

All in all, it’s been a busy year, and many changes have taken place; and I expect great things as a result. Here’s to a great (and hopefully even better than 2014) 2015!

10 years

Back in 2003, I had this friend. He and I were pretty close, but little did I know, we were about to get closer. He was sort of “tricked” into confessing that he liked me more than a friend, and with this information, I decided to see where it might go. We were worried that it had the potential to ruin an amazing friendship, but sometimes, the risk is worth it.

This time it paid off.

10 years

Yesterday, September 14, 2013, James and I celebrated our 10th anniversary. We have been through some amazing times and some not so amazing times, but I couldn’t imagine a better partner to have at my side than him. He makes me laugh, he consoles me when I cry, he has stood by my side, and has been there with me through some pretty hard times. We have been on this journey for 10 years, and while there have been ups and downs, the journey has been amazing. I truly hope that this is the beginning of a lifetime together.

I love you James. You are the best partner that anyone could ever hope to have in life; and I am lucky enough to call you mine.

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes are comin’

Well, I didn’t think I could make it. I didn’t think I’d be able to do it. When I started at LTAC, I really, seriously, honestly, did not think I would make it through my two year contract. Ladies and gentlemen, that contract ended today.

I haven’t said anything yet, because I have been waiting until it was time to move on, and honestly, I don’t know how I really feel about everything, to be honest. It hasn’t really hit me yet that I will be moving to a new department, and essentially, on a new type of nursing. About a month ago, I interviewed for, and got a job in the Emergency Department.

Now, the funny thing here, is that I have always wanted to work in the ED. In nursing school almost every clinical professor, almost every instructor told me I was destined for the ED, but I didn’t know. I still don’t. I hope that it is a good fit for me. I am sort of excited, mostly nervous, but trying to let it register, mostly.

Here’s hoping that this is exactly what I wanted, no, NEEDED, from nursing. I thrive on learning, becoming better, and helping people. This is a big step. This is a big change… but it’s one that it is time to make!

thankful

It has occurred to me that this year has been quite the tumultuous one, and while I remain extremely stressed most of the time, I have a lot to be thankful for.

James and I have been together 9 years and counting, and I couldn’t be happier. We keep talking about potentially having a child someday, so who knows, maybe we will be parents in the future?!

While we did lose my dear, sweet Sydney this year, which was the worst day of my life by far, we welcomed Charlie into our lives, and it has been quite an adventure. He is pretty good, but when is bad, he can be pretty bad. Poop and pee monster, for sure! Also, please stop chewing on everything in sight, little man!! I still miss Sydney each and every day, and some days are harder than others, but I am just thankful I was able to have a wonderful almost 8 years with him. I love you Sydney!!

We bought a house this year. It was an ironically called short sale, which took a stressful 4 months to complete. We have the house, we don’t have the house, we have the house, we don’t have the house… ACK! Overall, it worked out, and we rented our house to our friend and real estate agent, but it still doesn’t feel totally real at times. This is the house we always wanted, and getting it seems a little dream like, and I guess it is hard to process.

I have been working as a nurse for a year and half now, and I still find that I am not over nursing school. It was a terrible experience that really tore me down emotionally, physically, and my confidence is having a hard time bouncing back. I do feel like I am more proficient in my profession, and I do take a lot of joy home from my job, but there are days that are so intense and they don’t need to be. It just really wears on me at times. I was talking with a coworker recently when it really dawned on me; I have been through a LOT this year, as well as from the beginning of nursing school until now, so maybe a real vacation is in order in the near future.

Finally, I do have to say, that while my anhedonia is a large part of my lack of blogging and participating in my hobbies, I am somewhat content, and I am thankful for the wonderful things in my life. I have an amazing partner, wonderful dogs that love me, a great house that I am trying to realize is a wonderful home, and excellent friends that I get to spend time with. Overall, there is more to be thankful for that not, and that’s something worth noting.

a (queer) monday menagerie

Pride in Atlanta is this weekend, and I am kind of excited about being able to celebrate Pride weekend without the heat of June, and hopefully, without the torrential downpours that usually came along with it. Anyone going besides me?

This blog post about the (possibly diminished) potentiality of Adam Lambert’s success in the American conservative driven music market is a great read. When a queer artist doesn’t make it in the US music market, it’s difficult not to tie that to the fact that they are gay; especially when they can only be described as stellar (like him or not, Adam can really sing). If you look at artists like Will Young, Scissor Sisters, Mika, Westlife, and other queer artists that are hugely famous overseas that never get radio play here in the states, it gets even harder to not draw those same conclusions. While it was pretty clear that Adam lost American Idol because he was gay, as middle America was probably risking burning their houses down from all the rotary dialing in order to prevent that queer from beating the little straight guy, I hope that his sexuality doesn’t ruin his music career before it even starts. The boy is extremely talented, and I hope that he finds the success he deserves. Even more so, I wish American’s had more brains than they do drive to stamp out things they don’t understand, or things they equate to different, and therefore wrong.

This makes me want to puke. Seriously? Censoring a children’s book because a character has two moms? What the fuck is offensive about SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE? Seriously, people that believe that this type of scenario is in any way offensive or “harming to them” needs to walk over and tell me in person so I can slap in the face like the fools they are. Seriously people, gay people and gay families are normal. Deal with it. If you want to “shelter” your child and your family from it, kindly pick up and go live in a shack in the woods where you won’t bother the rest of society, okay? (h/t to the the amazing jacksonpearce)

– Kind of related to the children’s book mentioned above, Towleroad reported about a gay family that made a video, acting out a book that is also getting a lot of negative attention because two princes get married and live happily ever after. This book is being slandered to spread hate in the Yes on One anti-gay marriage campaign in Maine. Here’s their video:

Not only was this video incredibly adorable, but they have made many more, using their family as a beautiful example of what is normal about gay families. I want to personally applaud those guys for what they are doing. Gay families are normal families, and the people behind these horrible campaigns like Prop 8, and now Prop 1 in Maine, should really take a look and see who’s lives they are messing with. The hypocrisy behind anyone saying they are anti-gay marriage because of “family values”, “morality”, and “protection of marriage” when everything they are doing against gay marriage is in spite of those very things, drives me insane. When will people learn to just butt out of our lives, and stop seeing who we are as offensive to them; especially when it has NO IMPACT on them in any way?