Category: funnies

James and I went OTP this afternoon for a delicious lunch at Sweet Tomatoes (probably one of the best salad bar restaurants I have ever been to), and after we finished eating, we were hurrying to go, when our waitress said this: “What’s the rush, fellas? The Super Bowl doesn’t start for hours!”
James and I laughed, and said, “Well, that doesn’t really matter; we won’t be watching the Super Bowl.”
She responded with, “Why not? You fellas don’t like football?”
I responded with a grin, “Actually, no, we don’t.”
Then she bounced back with, “Well I know I will be watching, all those big, hot men in all that gear; it is definitely something I look forward to!”
I looked at James and we laughed. Then, I told her, “If that is the case, then perhaps we should be watching too!”
Then, of course, she had that look on her face that people get when they realize you are gay, and didn’t know a moment before. Ah, the joyous adventures outside the perimeter. Now, we are safe and sound back in the hood where we gays belong; debating on whether or not we should be watching the Super Bowl tonight.

Since today marks the beginning of the lunar new year, and since this is also the Chinese year of the dog, I thought that I would enlist the advice of a close friend, who also happens to be a dog, as to his thoughts on the upcoming year. Here’s what he had to say:

“This year, it would be wise to take posing for pictures seriously. How else will one be able to catch such striking beauty as I portray here? Learn from me. I have much to teach.”

“Hold those you love close to your heart this year. Let them know you love them with lots of hugs. And, feel free to chew on their head if you feel the need to do so.”

“The year of the dog will also be known as “the year of the dog fashion”. I will design a collection, and model it personally. Watch out Project Runway. Watch out New York Fashion week. Next stop, Milan.”

“This year will be all about being outside. I spend too much time couped up in this house. I want to go out there, and run and frolic with the other animals. But not at the dog park. I don’t like being humped.”

“Finally, this year, you should seek enlightenment on all levels. Search within yourself to find a mission of worthy cause, and follow it. I will be here to guide you. I am your Sherpa. I am your strength. Go forth!”

update: Amber alerted me to a major oversight; sydney definitely has thoughts on drinking for this year.

“This year, enjoy the simple things; beer, vodka, gin, rum. They are all strength builders, confidence boosters, and most importantly, hobbies of mine. I enjoy my drinks tall, and always get the last drop. Are you finished with that beer? Mind if I have a sip?”

Happy New Years, everybody.

This is perhaps one of my favorite pictures ever taken of me. I love it, it really makes me laugh. Sometimes I even surprise myself at the craziness that I am capable of. Thanks Lori for capturing such a fantastic moment, whatever it was…

Here’s hoping that your Sunday is as exciting as the portrayal in this photo. YES! Great shot Lori!

We all knew it would happen; it was just a matter of when. The until now “silent” Christian groups have finally come out publicly against Brokeback Mountain, and other gay and transgendered films like Capote and Transamerica; conveniently after all won awards for excellence at the recent Golden Globe awards. While many people in the blogosphere are focusing on the obvious lack of any mention about the content of Brokeback Mountain during the award show, as well as the awkward introduction by Dennis Quaid, I felt that I personally would like to focus on this very important Christian response to the aforementioned films winning awards.

In articles like this one, it is stated that the Christians are furious at Hollywood for promoting a gay or “leftist” agenda, and that organizations like the Hollywood Foreign Press are actually furthering that agenda by promoting and awarding films that “America isn’t watching”, and leaves the Christians wondering, “why are they winning the awards?”. Additionally, they tout that “Last night Hollywood exposed its own corrupt agenda. [It] is no doubt out on a mission to homosexualize America.” I read this, and honestly sat and thought to myself for a while; and I have come to only one conclusion: come clean. You are right Christians. The jig is up. You have caught us red-handed.

You have discovered our master-plan. That has been our goal all along; to homosexulize America. We just want to get America in bed with the gays; and now, you know. You see, it all started around 63 years ago, when the Hollywood Foreign Press began awarding the Golden Globes; we gays knew that this was our ticket. This was the way that we could win and “homosexualize” America. We knew that it was going to be a long struggle that we would have to commit to, and by God, now you know that we have; and we have at least one we can count as being in the win column.

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One thing I learned first hand this New Years Eve:

Irish Car Bombs + more Irish Car Bombs + Drunk girls + Dancing = Dangerous (but lots of fun) and Hungover.

And… Anderson Cooper is a babe; he even counts down with a “drag queen drop”. How cool is that?

Happy New Years, bitches!

In honor of Mariah’s success this year (did you hear, she has the top selling album of the year); and since so many people felt that I didn’t give Mariah the love she deserved (whatevs), I am bringing you “Shake It Off (Pillsbury DoughBoy Remix)”:

I gotta bake it off
Cause the cookies they ain’t playin’
You know I’m eating all my pain
Because your lovins gone away,
I just gotta bake, bake it off
Just like the Pillsbury commercial
I really gotta eat up in here
Don’t need to go nowhere
I gotta bake it off
Gotta make that move
To all the fattening foods
Appreciate all the chocolate that I have
Boy I’m gonna bake, bake it off
I’m gonna gain ten or twenty
cos boy I’m eating plenty
You know I gotta bake it off

Eat through that pain, girl! Congrats on 2005, Mariah! (I know Mariah is all thin and beautiful, so picture like a pre-stomach surgery Carnie Wilson covering it or something, geez).

And this in no way means I don’t like fat girls, so don’t even go there folks. Who else do you think helped me come out of the closet?

James and I decided to get some movies last night, and we went with movies that we hadn’t seen but wanted to see. So we picked, of all things, Unleashed, Serenity, and the 40 Year Old Virgin. Oh yeah, that’s right, the 40 Year Old Virgin. I had seen the previews, and it looked pretty funny, but even though I knew the subject would be sex, I never expected what we got. The movie is pretty much one of the most crass and inappropriate movies I have ever seen. The overuse of the word “fuck” is only outdone by overuse of the word “pussy”. Nice. Imagine all of this with James, me, and his mom and dad. I think that a highlight was when James’ mother described the fact that the main character had an erection, as a “slight problem”. James’ father followed up with, “I think they call that a Woody, dear.” Ah, yet another lesson I have learned; if you don’t know exactly what you are getting, don’t rent a movie that is potentially only about sex to watch with your partner’s sixty-year old parents. There was more than a little egg on our faces… But hey, all in the spirit of the holiday season, right?

I love how much everyone loves my kitchen and my new IKEA task lighting! Thanks for the props ya’ll! Perhaps I should take my ass back to school for interior design or some shit, and go to work as an interior designer! I could get a show on HGTV. It would be fabulous. Hey wait a second, that actually is an idea! JOB OF THE WEEK!!

Anyway… I took some pictures while I was at IKEA yesterday, because I love how much shit they have there and how they group it, and one of my favorites (not because of the quality, but because of what it is/represents) was the one pictured here. I remember when I was younger, and so many people would call me a “faggot”, I know, sad right? But, I also remember how teachers used to say that I shouldn’t let that bother me, because all a faggot is, is a bundle of twigs, sticks, or branches bound together. Well, let me just say that no matter how much you say what the true meaning of the word is, hearing it as an expletive doesn’t make me think of the woods; if you know what I am saying. But nowadays, being that I am the out and proud homo you see shining before you, I feel like I have gained some sort of ownership of the word; and when I saw this display, I couldn’t resist. So, without further adieu, I pay homage to the true faggots in the world. And get this, IKEA has the gall to charge us for the damn things! Can you truely put a price on a good faggot? (That doesn’t mean that I don’t secretly want to buy a big ass vase and get as many faggots as I can to fill it).

For the record, I could continue on with this all day; yes, I am that juvenile. So just sit back, and enjoy! Faggot, faggot, faggot!

THIS, by far, is the faggotiest post I have ever done!

First, before I even get to what the post is about, I just want to say thanks to everyone that had kind words to say about my “blogsestential” crisis. We all go through those types of things sometimes, and it is nice to get that proverbial pat on the shoulder. Muwah!

Now, on with the show!

Recently someone told me that they read my blog and what I said about my trip to NC for Thanksmas, and they thought it was pretty funny. I told them that I undoubtedly left a lot of shit out, basically because I was so worn down when I got back, that it was best to just move forward. But, today, I was listening to my voicemails on my mobile, and I totally remembered what that “skipped message” I kept leaving in my inbox was all about. It was a call from my Grandma (who I totally love, but this is just too good not to share), inquiring where James and I were at; because we were supposed to be at her house like 10 minutes before she called. The message went something like this:

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And in honor of my pain, I thought I would bring you this hilarious tidbit about a worldwide flandemic possibility published on theonion.com. (thanks to Deb!)

New Custard Could Cause Worldwide Flandemic
ATLANTA””A recently discovered strain of custard could cause a worldwide flandemic, Centers For Dessert Control warned Monday. “We are warning people who come into contact with milk, egg yolks, sugar, and whole vanilla beans that they are at risk of concocting this custard,” CDC director Paul Liddleston said. “All reports indicate that it is extremely non-resistible.” Liddleston said the government’s present reserve of dried tapioca is “useless” in combating a flandemic, and until a more effective vaccine is created, “the proof will be in the putting of containment teams in high-risk areas.”