Category: funnies

I have an idea, and I honestly think it is a pretty good one. It may even save people some money, and will probably even prevent a few traffic accidents. Here’s what I propose: make turn signals on cars, trucks, etc. an ADD-ON FEATURE. Now, I know what you are thinking, but hear me out. There is an additional thing that will be required if you decided to opt out of the turn signals for your new car; but we’ll get to that in a minute.

First of all, there are so many people out there that never use turn signals, and I honestly think, that no matter what you do to try and make them (yell at them, give them a death stare, honk your horn incessantly, scream ‘fuck off’ with your middle finger held high, etc.), they simply are not going to start using the thing, no matter how important they may be. So, I suggest, that you make the turn signals a feature you don’t have to get on your car. Make them cost about $200, enough for people that really don’t use them to actually take enough notice NOT to get them. Again, I know what you are thinking, “that can’t be safe! Turn signals are important!”

Ah, see, that is where you are wrong. See, through my independent research, I have noticed that even though every car is equipped with turn signals, they are still not legally bound to use them for fear of penalty; in fact, if you rear-end someone that isn’t using a turn signal that stops to make a last second right turn, guess who’s fault it is? It’s yours! So, I suggest, that if someone chooses not to get the turn signals on their car, that their car (both on the front and back) be branded with the letters NTS, very visible at a minimum of two car lengths. The letters would stand for No Turn Signals. This would alert any car around Mr or Ms No Turn Signal, that they may suddenly veer in front of them to make a last minute left turn into oncoming traffic in an even better way that the non-used turn signals could have! You will be able to spot these people as potential hazards to your life, and adjust your driving speed and course as necessary. I, for one, believe that if the NTS law/policy were in effect right now, I be able to lower my blood pressure, and be forced to cuss out a lot less people! Hell, my horn might not even get used again! Imagine that!

If only we could get this idea to really become policy, that would be something. I for one would stay so far away from all the NTS’s out there; because right now, I am subject to their continual stupid driving and non-use of the one thing that is specifically designed to inform me, and other drivers, of what this crazy person is going to do.

I am pretty out of it right now (I don’t feel the need to explain any further than that), so I don’t really have anything for today. But I did see this at one of my favorite comic sites (marriedtothesea.com), and I thought it would be a good place filler for my usual banter. I actually laughed out loud when I saw it. Enjoy!

Now everyone go check out married to the sea!! NOW!

I delete spam 99% of the time. Hell, if I don’t recognize the email or the name, I delete it immediately (so sorry if you sent me a message with HI or whatever in the subject line and I never emailed you back… chances are, I deleted it). But one that just came (HA!) through my inbox was just too good not to check out. The subject line was:

Hi, opium poisoning

Now, that peaked my interest. First of all, who in their right mind would type that out, and then send it, in order to get me to buy a product or check out a website (well, other than a reputable opium dealer)? Why Joseph Hilario, that’s who!! Now seriously, after seeing this “catchy” title, I think to myself, “self, what is in this message? Will it hold the key to larger genitals or miracle weight loss regimens? Will I finally be able to cure that nasty ED?”. Well, none of the above today, kids, instead, I found this, which actually made me snort I laughed so hard:

Within the adlt industry, it’s no secret porn stars use supplements to help them cum more.
Along with numerous stars that use our product, thousands of men
have increased their sperm volume with our formula. If you’ve ever
wanted to cum like a porn star, SPUR-M will get you there.
(We are endorsed by DavyD, renowned in the porn industry
for the amount he ejaculates! this is all thanks to SPUR-M)SPUR-M has an impressive history.

Wow. I can’t even begin to express the true emotions that I feel when I read this. I mean, I have never even heard of a guy that wants to cum more. Maybe if he did, then his porn name could be like Dick Geyser or something clever like that; you know, a play on the whole “Old Faithful” stream of cum, right? I can honestly say, this Joseph Hilario hasn’t managed to convince me that I need to cum more, but he has convinced me to check out more spam emails; perhaps their is something interesting in them after all.

Last night, we all went bowling. Upon our arrival at the bowling alley, we were excited to see many open lanes, which would mean no wait and instant bowling gratification. Unfortunately for us, a slight snag would hold up our gratification. We were placed on a waiting list, about 7 spots down. Um… why? I would say. Repeatedly. I noticed the 10 lanes free. We all did. So we decided we would get beers and wait it out. Pitchers flowed. Conversation flowed. And then, in walked the strangest group of people we had ever seen. Seriously, some even dubbed it, “A night out from the halfway house”. There was every kind of person you could imagine in this group, and it was then that we knew why the lanes were reserved; perhaps it WAS night out from the half-way house.

As the strangely fit and buff people made their way over to the reserved lanes, we began to make up stories about each of the interesting characters we saw. There was Christine, a former prostitute, who’s mother had sold her into white slavery 2 years ago. The man her mother sold her to was Ted, a man of 65, who was more of a father figure than slave owner to dear Christine. Perhaps the most interesting, was the guy that was literally covered from head to toe in Corona regalia. Knit cap, button up shirt, undershirt, pants, and I can imagine underwear and socks, were all emblazoned with Corona emblems, bottles, and images. His story, was that he is the bitter bastard son of the owner of Corona, and this is his silent protest at having no stake at the family fortune.

After we had a few laughs, James decided to ask one of the fittest people on earth what the deal with this group really was. Turns out, they were circus people. Performing in a show at the Fox. They do 9 shows a week. Now I know why they were so fit. Now I know why it was the strangest match up of a group I have ever seen. Now I know why Alan feared them. They were circus people.

As the night went on, they only got more interesting. These people really love to bowl, at least, their performance while bowling certainly suggests they do. I have never seen a group of people so animated and on fire with bowling as this group. Every roll elicited screams of joy and encouragement from the group. It was later identified that they were all so positive about life, and were all genuinely having a fantastic time with one another. Wow. All that happiness… Maybe I should join the circus.

As you all know by now, I am a hacking, sneezing, non-breathing beast right now, thanks to nature’s big O; but I see fit to have a talk with you about a little something I feel the need to get off my chest. I have an addiction, and no matter how I try to avoid its seductive powers, I am powerless in the wake of its strong hold. Whenever I get sick, or have one of my 100’s of sinus infections each year, I start pumping in the drugs; Decongestants, Claritin, Benadryl, and just about anything else I can think of that will keep me from experiencing one more second of discomfort. I reach for the pills quickly, and carry around small amounts of them, medicating not as indicated, but as I feel the need to. But this is not my addiction, this is a normal reaction that most people have in the time of sickness. This is normal.

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Looking back: Anniversary (2 years and 6 months, ya’ll) “surprises” = excuse to buy, and install, double towel bar that we have been needing forever.

Tools required for installation:
1 insanely powerful drill that can rip off hand if you hold on to the thing that secures the bit too long.
1 double towel bar from Target, simple, and yet understated.
1 orange level, because I love orange, and it does need to be level or I will be tempted to rip it out of the wall every time I walk in the bathroom.
3 drill bits; because the first and second tries at making the toggle bolts go in were not successful.
four 6 toggle bolts; yes, I use them, because they are stronger than the crappy dry wall screws that came in the pack. Yes, you have to drill a pretty big hole in the wall just to use them. Yes, there are two that are inside the wall now. And yes, I hang everything in the house with them, because those damn dry wall anchors couldn’t hold a sock to the wall.
1 hour of frustration, cursing, moving it over another inch even though I used the pack in came in as a template, moving it over another centimeter (even though I used the pack it came in as a template); and drinking during and after the midpoint of the beginning to attempt “simply installing a towel bar”.

Result:
Towels. Are. Dry. (and not draped over the door or the shower bar).

It. Was. Worth it.

Unrelated link (but related to yesterday): I guess I’m fucked, huh?

That is what my head is saying today… I really need to stop going out drinking during the week. Nothing that a bunch of water can’t fix, right?! Anyway… today is just a mish mash of crap going on; I have been talking about meth use, condom use, counseling and testing guidelines, and I am spent. Sometimes I wish I could talk about what frustrates me about work on here, but as a rule, I don’t talk about work, so I will have to settle for what was just said. Also, given that so many people gave such interesting feedback to yesterday’s friend post, I want to talk more about that; just not today. Given that these thoughts are all plaguing me today, I thought I would share something hilarious that I heard on Air America yesterday… It was a “commercial”, or so I thought, where Laura Bush was talking about George’s integrity and whatever. It went a little something (meaning, I heard it a day or so ago, and I am using an artistic rendering for the purposes of relaying the humor to you) like this:

Hi, I’m first lady, Laura Bush. Now, I know that many of you may be wavering in your support for my husband, but I want you to know that he is such an upstanding man, that he never even had sex until he became president. He believes solely in this country. He told me that the reason he wanted to hold off having sex until he was president, because when he did become president, he planned to screw the entire country.

Seriously though, after this whole port deal thing, how can anyone still be supporting this person?

Last night at trivia, I told a funny story about my sister, and it kind of spiraled into an even funnier conversation; here’s an “interpretation”, meaning “how I am writing this up for the blog”, of how that went:

Somehow we got on the topic of chicken, which somehow spiraled into my story about my sister referring to the ready-to-cook chicken meal “Chicken Voila!” as “Chicken Vi-ola”. I was joking to Darcey, who was talking about her new catering business she is starting (GO DARCEY!!!), that she should name her business Voila!. Then, we all made the observation, based on the story about my sister’s country interpretation of voila, that people like my sister, may mistake the name for of her company as vi-ola, and that would really misdirect the message that Darcey is trying to send (class vs. “country interpretation”). Then, the spiral that follows:

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James and I were just at Whole Foods getting something to eat (eel sushi makes me happy!), and since it was so packed, we had to eat in the car (fine by us, it was a little like a picnic!). Well, our car was facing the street, so as we were enjoying our delicious goods and beverages, we were talking, and making comments about cars and people walking by and whatnot. Then, a guy with downs syndrome walked by, and even though we weren’t really paying any attention to him, nor were we making any comments about him (even if we were, there was no way he could have heard us… and like I am so heartless that I would say anything about a guy with downs… come on, I do have a heart, you know); he gave us the finger about 9 times in the span of 30 paces as he walked towards the Whole Foods. He wasn’t looking at us or anything, he was just holding up his arm and repeatedly giving us the finger. Of course, that was pretty hilarious to us… James and I wondered if he really even knew he was giving us the finger, or if he was doing it intentionally. Either way, it was pretty interesting to be on the receiving end of a non-hostile middle finger “attack”. Next time, I may vote to eat in the car regardless if the place is packed or not…

Welcome to Universal Truths and Whatnots!!! Today’s segment is about things that are universally true and not at all false!! That means that they are, you guessed it, true!!! That’s right folks, I am here to bring you things that are true, no matter who says them or believes them! Things like:
–> gravity! (it does exist!)
–> math! (2+2 always = 4! cool huh??)
and one of my personal, all time favorite absolute universal truths:
–> pro-choice and pro-abortion are NOT THE SAME THING! A little known fact, that I have uncovered for today’s segment, is that pro-choice refers to freedom and the RIGHT to CHOOSE; and abortion has to do with what comes out of that choice (but only if you choose to do it! so not in every case, right? right!). Kind of like cause and effect, but only sort of, because sometimes there is no effect!! Kind of like, not wanting to eat chocolate because the effect will be fat thighs, or saying “fuck it, I love chocolate” and enjoying your fat thighs! So if you don’t agree with abortion, you can choose NOT TO HAVE ONE! SWEET!

YAY!!!

That concludes this episode of universal truths and whatnots. Thanks for stopping by and we’ll see you next time here on universal truths and whatnots; the place where all that is universally true and whatnot is uncovered!!!