Category: all about me

I am so excited that this weekend will be a three day weekend, you just don’t know. Relaxing is the main goal, as I have had a tremendous amount of back pain that has not subsided in the least, which began last Friday. I just want it to go away!

I shall now commence my stretching in my office; thank god I don’t have a cubicle, because I am sure it would look strange with me slumped over on the floor!

As for the previous post, I appreciate much of your advice, but I just have to say that even though I don’t want to “punish” my nephew by not having a relationship with him, I also don’t want to make things difficult for me by forcing my way into the lives of people that show me continually that they don’t care about me. I have family that I love and care for, and even though I choose not to stay in touch with some of them, it doesn’t mean I don’t love them. My therapist continually tells me something that I believe to be more and more true each day: just because your parents are your parents, it doesn’t mean that they are necessarily the best people. They aren’t that bad, true, but they don’t treat me how I feel I should be treated, especially because I believe love shouldn’t have conditions.

I will figure out what the best route is for me, and I will take it. It is going to be a journey, and there may be some bumps along the way, but I will be the one taking it, and not letting it take me. For now, I am choosing to steer clear, and I feel confident that I doing what is best for me. Sometimes, you have to be selfish in order to find peace and happiness in your own life; and by god I am going to at least give that a go.

Every once and a while, I dream this dream. I am in school. College. I am taking lots of classes. One class in particular seems to fall to the wayside, and I end up skating through the semester without attending regularly. Two weeks before the end of the semester ends, I realize that not only does this class have an attendance requirement, I have also missed too much content to successfully pass the class. Panic sets in. Just before I fail, and after as much anguish and turmoil possible is felt, I wake up.

This is my dream; but it is also my life. I don’t want to be cryptic, but I am living this dream. I am often missing classes, and always fumbling to catch up. The worst part is, that like in the dream, I have to reason for missing the class or not participating; it just happens. But worse than it just happening, is that I am powerless to stop it. I am powerless to help myself get out of a cycle that is causing me to fail. And that causes me extreme anxiety. Last night I couldn’t fall asleep until 3:30, and it was mainly because this dream was in the front of my mind.

Sometimes our dreams can be good reminders of what we want to achieve, and help us on our way. Other times, they can be grizzly reminders of how we are powerless to help ourselves; no matter how much we may want to do so. Sometimes wanting to be better, wanting to change, and wanting to do more doesn’t mean shit; sometimes, you just can’t.

It is often true… they do get me down. Stayed home today. A little depressed. Not looking for sympathy; just checking in. See you tomorrow.

Yep. Today’s my birthday. WOO HOO!

Thanks to everyone that is helping me celebrate, has helped me celebrate, and will help me celebrate, both IRL, URL, and whatever. YAY!

Something interesting for you to think about (well, it was interesting to me, anyway); yesterday, I went to get a mani/pedi for my birthday. I wanted to be pampered, and all I can say, is that I will definitely be getting these things more regularly from now on. But what was interesting to me about the experience, is that when I walked in, there was an instant feeling of “what the hell is he doing here” in the room. Then, I was ignored by the people that worked there, because they thought I was with the girl in front of me. After I was finally seated and being pampered like a queen, I could still feel the awkwardness related to the fact that I was a man doing something traditionally enjoyed only by women (at least in this shop). In fact, they continually asked me throughout the hour how I knew about the shop, which one of my girlfriends told me to come there, and so on. It was a constant questioning of my motives for coming in to be pampered. Interesting. I just found it interesting, because while driving to get the mani/pedi, I was actually a little skittish because I was going alone, and wanted to avoid the very thing that happened when I went in; those feelings of “what is he doing here”, and the “judgement”. It wasn’t a negative experience, and I would (will) do it again in a heartbeat, but I just found it interesting that feeling that goes with participating in gender specific activities if you are the opposite sex that normally partakes in them.

I was told that next time I will have to go to midtown to get one, because I am pretty sure I won’t be an anomaly… the gays love the mani/pedi’s! I can’t wait till my next one!

Also, as a final note, if you are leaving comments, I know that the site can sometimes take a few minutes to load and whatever, so just hit the button ONCE, and wait. If you hit it several times, it posts it that many times. It is my stupid server that does it, not my site stuff, so please be patient. I appreciate it in advance!

Last night, I stayed up until 2:30 in order to finish the God of War game I played all day on Sunday. I managed to beat the game, but find that my insatiable new hunger for video games has grown. I have been looking this morning, and have already found new titles to get into. Perhaps I like to play these games because I zone out and forget about all of the problems I am presently going through. Perhaps. Either way, I don’t care how much of a nerd it makes me, I have fallen back in love with my PS2.

I honestly wish I could shake off whatever bad water this is clinging to me. I feel like everything is going on around me, and I am powerless to react, interact, or change any of it; all while being unsatisfied and unfulfilled. Certain aspects of my life are great (mainly James), but other things just drag the very life right out of me; and I can’t seem to make any changes. I just wish I could figure out what to do to make it stop. I just want to be my old self again, or better yet, a new me that can do, can react, and can interact.

I feel the need to apologize to my fellow bloggers, who probably wonder if I even read their pages anymore. It is almost like food has lost all taste to me, and I can’t seem to figure out how to get it back. Just know that this is kind of my whimper of a try to hold on to something. Speak about something that I can’t seem to control, and let you know that I am still here, even if I am barely breathing. I still care, and I want to do more, but I just can’t. Not right now. Hopefully that will change, and even more hopefully, you will all still be there when it does. Thanks for listening.

Kids, we are off for a relaxing (see drinking, swimming, sitting on asses) weekend at a luxurious Hilton Head resort. I am not sure I should call it a resort so much as a hotel, and not luxurious, so much as sandy; but either way, we are out of here. Off to have a great weekend with friends, and I couldn’t be happier, I need a vacation! This will only be a mini vacation, but it is well deserved, and will definitely be relished!

See you kids when we get back. Hopefully, this is the sky and beach we will get to see… this boy needs a tan! And don’t worry, I will be sure to wear plenty of sunblock on the tattoo! I didn’t sit through all of that pain for nothing! Have a great weekend!

$275. For about 15 minutes worth of work. Where did I put that application for dentistry school, again? Jeez. Luckily I have insurance. But oh wait… it doesn’t pay for the whole thing, even though I pay like $20 a month to them. Thanks again insurance folks! And they say that we don’t need insurance reform in this country. HA!

Hope everyone else’s Thursday is motherfucking kick ass!!

Apathy. Most people think nothing of it. Some people fixate on it. Some people are controlled by it. I am one of the latter. I would have to say that while it has definitely waxed and waned at times, my apathy (which I now know is directly related to my depression) has gotten stronger over the last few months. Regardless of the activity that I am doing, or even an activity that I may want to or have to do, I find myself more and more controlled by apathy. Take this blog for example. I used to post every single day, and usually found that I had interesting things to write about. Then, apathy stepped in.

I am sure that many of you have noticed that I haven’t been writing that much lately, and well, all I can offer is a letter of blame to my apathy. I really hope that it subsides and possibly even goes away soon, but I can’t tell, and I can’t really control it. I have even tried; with no success. I find that this apathy is preventing me from moving forward, and it often times feels like my feet are stuck in cement, and I am so distracted by apathy, that I am not doing anything to escape. Thanks for listening and keeping up with me. Thanks for (hopefully) understanding why I haven’t been reading blogs and blogging a lot lately; just know that it has taken over more than just this aspect of my life, and is driving me nuts.

I want to get rid of this fucking apathy, but perhaps I am even apathetic to it as well. That makes starting to change a little bit difficult. Le sigh. At least I can focus on the fact that I have great people in my life that do make me feel good, and for that I am eternally grateful. I will hopefully be my fun self again soon.

(this doesn’t mean that I am going to stop blogging or anything like that, it is more of a reason that I have been so sporadic with it lately. Thanks again for listening!)

I am a very accident prone person. I always have been. When I was a TA in grad school, the professor I worked with, (my friend Kara) and I would have a little game each day on the way to class; we would see which one of us could make it there without running into something or falling down. Believe it or not, this was a difficult task for each one of us accident prone individuals. It’s amazing that I wasn’t hurt more seriously than the gymnastic injury I experienced when I was younger (ruptured disk in lower back); accident prone people shouldn’t be flipping around.

For the last few days, it seems that I have been having a few accidents. Saturday, and the pool party, the pool, as I discovered, is actually a rocky bottom pool; not a soft lined pool as I expected when I got a little too close with my face. So now, I have a big old scratch on the bridge of my nose. I didn’t hurt when I did it, but it looks bad right now. Drinking + Swimming = more likely to have an accident. Oh well. No harm no foul.

Then, on Sunday, I decided that a handful of chocolate Lucky Charms would satisfy my tiny craving for something sweet, and I tossed some in my mouth; only to chomp down directly on my tongue piercing and chip one of my teeth pretty badly. Now, I have to go into the dentist for the first time for something other than a cleaning. Let’s hope it doesn’t cost that much to fix. Speaking of which, the cost may determine whether or not the piercing stays in. Thoughts about that? I have had it since I was 18, so I guess chipping the tooth now (um, for the second time, same tooth, same reason) isn’t too bad of a track record though. Seriously, should I take it out, or leave it in?

Hopefully, I will not have anymore injury related accidents. And, I hope that my tooth fixing doesn’t cost a lot; the panic attack I had last week about money doesn’t need to come back. I also wanted to say thanks for all the kind thoughts about being so self conscious. I really appreciate it. I also found out yesterday at the doctor, that I have lost 8 pounds since the last visit (which was about a month ago). Maybe I will loose even more before the next one (in a month). One step closer to feeling better about myself!

I am probably one of the most self conscious people alive. I worry about what people think about me. I worry about how people perceive me. I know that I shouldn’t give a shit, but you know what, I do. In fact, I think that for some people, it is actually a natural reaction. Perception causes me to doubt myself more than it should, and it sometimes can be something that is so big, that I can’t control it. Take for instance my appearance. By all accounts, most people would say that by looking at me, that I am not fat by any accounts. But, when I see myself in the mirror, I see the opposite. I see myself as very fat and wholly imperfect. And it totally affects how I act around other people. Sometimes, I find myself (unconsciously) seeking approval from people in order to calm down my own self consciousness. I know that this can be annoying to people, but the fear that I am flawed outweighs my better judgement, and that honestly bugs the shit out of me. I try really hard to tell myself that no one is perfect and that I should just get over it, but, at least up until now, that has never worked. I guess that I am not really seeking resolution here by talking about this, I am more just reflecting on something that really bugs me, that I feel like I have no power over.

Today, I am going to a pool get together, and already, I feel the self conscious bug creeping in. Drinking at the party will of course make me forget some of that self consciousness, but it will always be there, making me feel bad about myself. Isn’t anxiety and self deprecation a bitch? Is it worse for people that have a history of being made fun of and ridiculed as a child? I sometimes wonder if things would have been different growing up, if I would still be so self conscious. I also wonder if the pressures of society, and specifically gay society, weren’t so high, that I wouldn’t feel that need to be “perfect”. Well, I guess I will continue to wonder that as I get ready to go shirtless for the pool party. Maybe people will focus on the tattoo more than the extra 10 pounds I am lugging around. At least, I those are the words of wisdom I will use to calm my being so self conscious until the beer kicks in!

Note: This is in no means a ploy to get sympathy from folks, it is seriously a airing of my thoughts. This is something that bugs me every moment of my life, and I felt like sharing it, because, well, it is on my mind. Anyone else have thoughts on this? Have any of you overcome your self consciousness, and have great advice on how to do it? I am all ears.