Category: all about me

So, the half sleeve is ALMOST done. I love what was most recently added, although, it was the MOST painful thing ever. Seriously, taking a needle (or nine) to your inner arm is sheer torture. Thank God for the Jagermeister!!! Here’s a photo (notice all the redness… ouch):

Now, I will have to go back and have the turtle colored in, and I should be done! Can’t wait!!!

I am going to Philadelphia tomorrow, and won’t be back until late Tuesday, so I won’t be posting anything. Hope everyone has a great beginning of the week!

I talked to my grandma today. That’s nothing special though, I talk to her at least once a week. She is probably the closest to me in my family.

A while back, my parents moved into a new house. She went to see it. While she was there, my mom was talking about how she was going to have to fix up a room for Jackson (the nephew). Then she told my grandma that “she finally understood and appreciated what she did for duane and shannon” all those years ago. This made my grandma happy. It made her happy to finally hear that her taking care of me wasn’t seen as a bad thing, but was beginning to be a good thing.

Finally.

My grandmother also said she commented to my mom about not keeping children again, because she was afraid of them getting hurt. This relates specifically to an incident when I was a toddler, and while being kept by my grandmother, I bit into a power cord, and almost fried my bottom lip off. Somehow it miraculously healed, but my grandmother was always blamed for the incident, nonetheless.

When my grandmother said the comment about keeping children and accidents, my mother told her “we don’t blame you for what happened”, referring to the incident with my lip. Finally, they forgave her for something she didn’t do, and couldn’t control.

It seems that grandmotherhood is turning my mother into a more compassionate person. I hope that she will see what she could have seen in me, in Jackson. I hope that she can realize that, and share it with me before it is too late.

I am at least grateful that my grandmother was treated well for the good things she has done for me my whole life, even if it was only 2 sentences mentioned while touring a house. I also told her today that she need not worry about what people will think of her, and to do what she wants with this life, because it doesn’t matter how much you worry about what people think about you when you are a Moody, it isn’t going to stop them from thinking it. I think she’s starting to agree.

Most of you that know me know that I am very apologetic. I say “I’m sorry” more than practically anything else in my entire vocabulary. But, I have been trying to figure out why I do that, and I can honestly say, that I am truly working on it. I am working on not feeling so insecure, and instead focusing on how to trust that what people say is what they mean.

See, I was raised was in a house where what was said, and what was meant were often conflicting or totally different things. If asked, “Are you mad?” one might reply that they are not, but then show you that they actually are very mad; sending a conflicting message… one that this kid had no other example to learn from and translate into a way to interact with other people. As a result of this environment, I picked up a continual doubt and insecurity that people aren’t saying and meaning the same thing, and additionally, that there is something that I may have done which I need to apologize for in order to rectify the situation. I am constantly doubting if there will be a disconnect between what is being said and what is truly happening, and while it seems that I am doubting you, I am truly trying to find out if you really are indeed mad, or whatever.

Additionally, in my house, it was commonplace to be made to feel as if you were always doing something wrong, which led to this heightened need to please; hence my continual bugging people to make sure that everything is okay, and incessantly apologizing if I believe for an instant that they aren’t okay (thus taking much of the blame onto myself; and providing a need for me to apologize). I am working on catching myself before doing this, because for as long as I have been aware, it has been an unconscious response to interactions with other people, and many times, a detrimental reaction on my part.

So I will offer a final apology for incessantly saying “I’m sorry”, and let you know that I truly am working on ways to control that seemingly uncontrollable ingrained response that is ever present in my head. You’ll probably hear it from time to time, and I will probably still bug you a little about how you feel, in an attempt to make everything go right as rain, but just know that I am working on it, and it is going to take me some time. I have to reverse over 20 years of ingrained thought processes, and it isn’t going to be easy.

But I am at least going to try.

Here she is, my new flower tattoo:

This is just more work on my 1/2 sleeve. Stay tuned for more in the coming months!

I was driving in to work in bumper to bumper traffic (why do I continue to use the freeway? Perhaps now I will stop), and all of a sudden… BAM! My head hits the headrest, and my heart is beating wildly… I have been rear ended! I have lived in Atlanta for more than 6 years, and never so much as a ding… then, I am rear ended today. While no one was hurt, and there was NO damage (thank GOD), I did pull over immediately, over to the left of the HOV lane. Crazy Asian lady followed. While I sat in my car, calling 911, she pulls in front of me, halfway sticking out into traffic, and holds her hands and head out of the window in the “what the fuck is going on, why are we stopping?” pose. While this makes me mad, I continue with the call, and just as I get the operator, a cop pulls up behind me. I got out, walked over to the lady’s car, and explained that we needed to talk to the officer, after asking her if she was okay. She immediately launched in with the “there is no damage!” “why do we need to talk to the cop?!” “there is no damage!” routine. Um… yeah. So I stand there with the cop and the lady, and we assess that there actually is no damage, but her attitude is continually growing more and more unfriendly. Keep in mind, crazy lady, you hit ME! So then, it gets good. The lady tells the cop that she is late for work, and doesn’t have time for this crap. Then she asks him who he works for!!! LOL He replies with a laugh, “Um, I work for the State of Georgia. I am a highway patrol officer, ma’am.” Then he tells her, “Ma’am, if you feel that you do not have time to fill out a report, which will take a considerable amount of time (and she is still saying over and over, “I’m late for work!”), I can just take you to jail right now for leaving the scene of an accident.” She goes, “I don’t want that! I am very late for work!”. The cop is doing everything he can to hold back laughter, and looks right at me, as the Asian lady walks back to her car to move it (as it is in the middle of the HOV lane), and says, “I personally don’t see any damage, and she is going to be very difficult to deal with. Do you want to fill out a report? I am telling you right now, that I wouldn’t.” So I decided not to, just on the simple fact that there really wasn’t any damage, and I was so shaken up, that the crazy lady screaming “I’m late for work! There is no damage” was just too much for me. The cop was very kind, and then sent us on our way. What was funny, though, is that after she had said, “I am in a big hurry, very late for work”, I told her, “lady, the reason why we are even standing here is because you are in such a big hurry. You need to slow down and not rear end anymore people, okay!”. At least I got that quip in there.

I was still a little shaken when I got to work, but at least there is no damage. Hopefully, this will be my last accident while living in Georgia… or ever, for that matter. I will, however, by steering clear of the freeway for a while.

This weekend is a well deserved three day weekend. Here’s how it is looking right now:
Tonight: Indigo Girls at the Tabernacle. I really want to take my digital camera… does anyone know if you can take them in there? It doesn’t say anything on the ticket. Does anyone know if they use metal detectors? Because if not, I am sure I could sneak it in… Thoughts? Because of the concert, I don’t get to go brewery hoping tonight… can we do it next week? Hope so!

Tomorrow: Drive in. What are we going see kids? My vote is officially for School for Scoundrels followed by The Covenant. Thoughts?

Sunday: probably use this day to just pal around the house with James, as I am sure he will have lots of school work to do. Maybe we’ll do dinner with someone that evening. Who knows… you may get the call!

Monday: I currently have nothing planned, but if someone has off Monday and wants to hang out… let me know; I don’t necessarily want to sit around all day.

I also went to my tattoo consultation today for the remaining work on my 1/2 sleeve, and I am really excited. We are going to do a turtle on my inner arm, and a flower (like this one, just more pink and orange) on my outer arm near my elbow. I am really excited to see what it is going to look like!!! I just hate that my final appointment isn’t until January… I hope someone cancels so I can get in there in December… But then again, it really is only like 15 days longer than I was expecting, so it isn’t the end of the world. As always, there will be pictures posted when work is done, so stay tuned. Hopefully we will have a kick ass flower to show off next weekend!!!

What does that mean? Last night, I ended up on a drunken tirade (not really, but it was a monologue, I guess) about what it really feels like when one is depressed, and it was actually quite interesting to be talking to two people that have partners that have experienced/are experiencing at least some level of depression or depression related stuff; while they themselves have not. While I know I was probably a little too drunkie to realize I was preaching to the choir-by-partner, it was interesting to me, because I have come to really truly believe that unless you have been there, you really don’t know how it feels; even if I describe it to you. Reason being, is that you can’t really explain depression, because you (the person with the depression) really don’t understand it yourself. You don’t understand where these feelings are coming from, and worst of all, don’t understand how to make them go away. I know for me, it is one of those things that when I talk about being down (especially on here), people will say “buck up young one”, or “think of all the good in your life”, in a manner of being nice; and not to say that it isn’t appreciated, it is, but honestly I do think about that stuff. I think of what I have, and feel ungrateful. That adds to the depression. Most of the times, people tell me to feel better like I have control over it, and that is partly why I don’t think people that haven’t been there, don’t truly know. I myself never knew how it felt before a few years ago, and even now, it bugs me to no end that I can’t just nip it in the bud, you know?

Either way, I guess I just say this because it is nice to let people know that just because you are depressed it doesn’t mean you are going to commit suicide, and it also isn’t something you can just shake off by thinking about bunnies and rainbows. It is chemical, and until your body can fix it (with the help of meds and counseling), it isn’t going away. It’s serious, and hard to get through, but sometimes, you can’t use advice, you just have to stick it out. You have to wait, in fact, it requires a lot of waiting. And it does suck. But just know, I appreciate the words of kindness… just understand that they can also sometimes turn into words of frustration, especially because it is something that I know that at least I have almost no control over. Ah, that depression… what a bitch, eh?

Hope everyone’s Thursday is going well. I am completely bored out of my mind, and I am ready to go home. Top it all off, we have a 3 day weekend this weekend, and I know that tomorrow is going to be a difficult day to be at work. Hopefully it won’t be that bad… Laters!

She’s sick.

Boo. At least I get to lay in my comfortable bed. We got a featherbed earlier this week, and I have been sleeping 100 times better than before. A lot of my back pain has even subsided. Best $100 I ever spent!

Back to the bed kids. And Carol Ann, be sure and keep the children quiet today!

This is getting old. This is making me tired. I am tired of fighting this. I have been fighting for so long, that I just feel utterly exhausted, yet this is still here. This is strong, and this works hard to stay around, despite my efforts to get rid of this. This does come and go, and there are days when I don’t focus on this, but for every one of those, there is another day consumed with this in the future. This makes me want to stay in bed all day, everyday. This makes it hard for me to concentrate on anything other than this. This isn’t working for me anymore. I am tired of fighting this. This is getting old. I have gotten really good at smiling despite the presence of this. Most people probably don’t even see this when they look at me, which I guess is good, because I don’t want this to completely ruin everything. I just wish I could push this out, and close the door, but I can’t. This is too big. This is too strong. This just won’t go away. But, this is getting old. This has got to go, or I don’t know what I will do. I can’t take much more of this. I am not letting this win, so don’t worry about that. I just am sick and tired of this.

Editor’s note: Just because this affects me, doesn’t mean that this owns me. This does not have me seeking harm for myself, in fact, this makes me want to help myself. Since I am already helping myself deal with this, there is no need for you to worry about this (even though it is kind). This was my effort to put this into words, in hopes it would make me feel better. This was just a bad day, and perhaps tomorrow will be a better one.

Last night, I was watching one of the most addictive (in more ways than one) shows that are constantly recorded by my DVR: Miami Ink. As I sat watching the people get tattoo after tattoo (including the crazy lady that made the grill cheese and saw the Virgin Mary in it, and sold it for almost $30k, getting the actual image of the grill cheese on her mammoth breast), and as always, getting more excited about getting more work done on my own tattoo, I had the faintest little panicky feeling in my gut about finishing my half-sleeve: this isn’t going to be something that will be covered. It is going to be very visible (as it will go down to my elbow), and while I am fine with that (hell, I want it to the wrist, bitch), what will society think? Will people judge me? Will the people that I work with care that I have these tattoos? Will I be forced to wear long sleeved shirts?

I really hope that I don’t, and it isn’t going to stop me even if I do, but it was enough of a thought, no matter how faint, to inspire me to ask what people think. Do you think that society still judges people that have visible tattoos? If so, are their exceptions? Like, do smaller individual visible tattoos carry less criticism? Which ones are the worst? What are your thoughts when you see someone all tattooed up?

I really want to know, because I LOVE tattoos, and whenever I see them, I literally want to run to the tattoo parlor. I just wonder what other people think, because I will be getting one that is very visible, and it will be interesting to see how the people I work with will react.

And on a completely unrelated note, this is kick ass: Banksy (famous graffiti artist) doctored up a Paris Hilton album, and here is a flickr photo set of the actual album. Rock!