Category: all about me

all about me, james says, near and dear

insecurities gone too far

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It started innocently enough, it started with a plan to spend the day together.

Things were going great; playing video games, going to visit some friends, planning what to eat for dinner, and talking about what movies to watch.

The evening went on, you cooked me dinner, and we watch our shows together. The day went so well, and I have had such a good time, with you.

And then you did it. You let your insecurities go too far. You asked me if I had faked being happy. You asked me if I had faked being happy. You wanted to know whether I would rather have spent my time somewhere else, or with someone else. But what you didn’t know, is that I was happy, and I was right where I wanted to be.

When things start out so well, we don’t know where they will go. Hopefully, they can just happen, and we can just be together and enjoy it is for what it is; but that didn’t happen this time. You let your insecurities get the better of you, and what happened, is, even though you said you were sorry, they hurt me. What you should know, is that you have no reason to be insecure with me, I love you. I am not going to change that; but I can’t go on being second guessed. I understand a reason to be weary of love; it involves taking a huge gamble, but you have already won, there is no reason to worry. I need you to know that I can’t have you wondering if I would rather be elsewhere when I am with you. If I do want to be somewhere else, I will tell you, and I hope that will be okay, but that was not the case with today.

I believe there is definitely more work that we are going to have to do here. Definitely.

I just wish that we could co-exist, and have our time we spend together be good, and time we spend apart be good as well. I just wish that I could have some space when I need it, and it not carry the price of hurting you, or making you feel insecure; even during the times I am standing right beside you. I just wish…

all about me, is it just me?, near and dear

awoken to waking memories

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I had a meeting early this morning, and was anxious about getting up early enough to make it, so I ended up waking up around 5am. While I was laying there trying to fall back asleep, in between tossing and turning and poking James to make him stop snoring, my mind, for whatever reason, drifted to memories that I haven’t thought of in probably 8 or 9 years. Most of what I was thinking about, where memories that I have blocked out, due to the fact that I had a pretty crappy childhood (despite the fact that there were actually a few high points). These were mostly memories of middle school and high school.

Here’s what I remember of the memories that flashed through my head this morning:

  • I remember running for Treasurer when I was in middle school (don’t remember what year). WTF was I thinking? I also remembered the speech… I remember hearing the “F” word (not fuck, ya’ll) a couple of times as I took the podium. Nice. Kids are so kind aren’t they?
  • I remember getting into a food fight in the cafeteria, and having to do lunch detention for it. The problem I had with that, was that we had food thrown at our table every day, and that was the one day we just couldn’t take anymore, and my friend Shelly threw her pizza at the jerks that threw food at us all the time. They had to do detention as well, but we were blamed. It is always those that fight back that are blamed.
  • I remember getting into a fight with a kid named Chris, and literally kicking him in the stomach after I knocked him on the ground. He picked on me all of the time, and I thought kicking his ass would make me feel better; and at that moment, it did.
  • I somehow became friends with this really popular girl when I started high school, and I was invited to sit at the popular table. One day their table was too full, and so I went to choose another seat, and they all came over to sit with me; one by one. One of the other girls (not the one that I initially became friends with) noticed I was sitting somewhere else, and came over to sit with me, and so I asked her, “why aren’t you sitting with your friends?”, and she replied, “what do you mean, I am.”. I thought I would burst with happiness, and I still get a warm feeling when I think about it.
  • I once fell asleep in Geometry class, which wasn’t so bad, because I usually am a pretty silent sleeper; what made it bad, was the sound/sensation of me farting woke me up. That is still embarrassing, damn. I seriously don’t think anyone noticed though, so I guess it wasn’t that bad.
  • I remember in 7th grade, something happened with the government (I seem to believe it was war/attack related?), and my social studies teacher didn’t teach class, and held us in her classroom for most of the day (since it was where we were when “it” happened). She said that if we had activities we could work on, we were more than welcome, and she included using Walkmans. I, for whatever reason, had mine, and listened to the Young Guns II Soundtrack. I have no idea why I remember that detail.

With all of these random glimmers of memories from my childhood coming back this morning, I tried harder and harder to remember other things; but the weird thing is, I really can’t. It is weird how you can block out feelings and memories to cope with bad things that have happened in your life (like my sister not remembering anything to do with her car accident). Even weirder still, is that I can’t unblock them. Anyone else have this same experience with blocked memories? If so, why? I could go into more detail about the crappy childhood if you wish, but my anxiety is high enough today without delving deep into it; so I will start with just this glimpse into it.

all about me

ouch! (tattoo talk)

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Last night, instead of making it to the monthly APWBWGTTD, I was laying on a table being repeatedly stabbed with needles. No, it wasn’t a massive dosing of heroin, I was getting tattooed, for what I hope to be, the last time (for a while). Russ beautifully colored in the turtle on my inner arm (OW!!!!!!!!), and let me be the first to say that getting tattooed on your inner arm FUCKING HURTS. Seriously, it is almost too much. He also added another little fish in a spot that seemed like it needed something, and to be honest, it totally changed the whole tattoo for me. It looks so much more cohesive and beautiful. My arm is insanely swollen and painful, but I will try to get some pictures up soon. I love tattoos, but I sure hate getting them.

During the session last night, Russ and I were talking about him starting a blog, which I think is pretty cool. People are seeing the potential for blogs to help them talk about things they want to discuss, as well as providing them with ways to continually provide fresh content for their websites. For him, he will be able to talk about tattoo things, and as someone who only got into tattooing seriously a year ago, it will definitely be something I would be interested in reading. There are so many things you don’t know about until you try them; and sometimes, you learn a lot more than you expected.

I can’t really think of much else right now because of the throbbing in my right arm, but I do know that I hope upon hope that it doesn’t freeze around here. I can’t handle the grocery store madness and the freaks on the road. Just let me get some beers, so I can go home and prop this arm up and rest!! Stay warm!

all about me, civil rights, listen up!

realization and the power of seeing different perspectives

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When I wrote the blog post about Jimmy Carter and how I felt he wasn’t being anti-Semitic, I believed that a man, a good man would not have an agenda that many believed he did; one that was seemingly against Israel. I believed this, because I highlighted his belief in peace, and how, if anything, his thoughts about the Israeli/Palestinian conflict would act as catalysts to providing peace to both states. I believed that the good in someone was true, and that a man of his character could not be capable of such deception; but based upon conversations and investigating different perspectives with Bugboy and a close friend of mine who is actually from Israel, I have come to believe that there is potential for it to actually be otherwise. The reason I feel the need to update/change what I said, is because I realize that one of the most important things we can do in life is see different perspectives to learn more about ourselves and the world around us. I realize that it is important to truly understand what this book may actually represent, where before I rested on his principles, and what I believed to be a steadfast goals of peace and understanding. I also rested on my perceptions of the way he represented himself and what he said in this book to the media. What I realize, is that by listening to, and understanding different perspectives, what I feel from this is disappointment.

Like my friend, I defended Jimmy Carter’s character, not his book, because I couldn’t allow myself to believe that someone capable of such good, could also be capable of defamatory agendas; as the case may be with his book. I believed that, like many Americans, the real goal was peace for both states, but unfortunately, it isn’t a goal that is being reached because of aspects unreported here in America. I have a ignorant perspective of many things that occur in the region simply because I live in a country that has chosen a side, and when I heard a diplomat coming to the aid of a supposed “underdog”, I believed he meant for good. But what I did not know, but learned from Bugboy and my friend, is that Palestine continues to attack Israel, even though Israel has refrained from retaliation. What I did not know essentially prevented me from seeing the perspective of those that were against Carter, those that saw that his book represented something other than a simple peace agreement between Israel and Palestine. I wanted to believe, and based on the information that I had, I did. But now that I have seen different perspectives, I am not so sure anymore, and that is disappointing.

I, like many others, would love to see peace between these neighboring states. I would like for there to be a world where we could live without greed, hate, fear, and war. I would like to believe that people want the same things that I want, but I realize that isn’t going to happen. I wanted to write this, mostly because I don’t like being misrepresented, but even more, because I don’t like being narrow-minded, and refusing to understand the gray that exists within each and every seemingly black and white situation. I came to this realization by being shown different perspectives, and am better for it. This is what I want for myself, to represent an educated perspective, and if that means it can change, then all the better. I wanted it to be clear that not everything is so cut and dry, and I am not so naive as to believe that. I am one that believes in the best from people, and sometimes, it seems, that means I will occasionally be disappointed.

all about me, hmm interesting, mixed media, that is so gay

go J.Hud!!1!!!1! and hanky panky (well, the talk of)

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So, basically, I have been going nuts over Dreamgirls for a while here on the blog, and last night, the Golden Globes recognized our girl Jennifer Hudson as the best supporting actress!! You go girl! I am so happy for her, because it was definitely not her time when she was voted off AI, and this just goes to show that sometimes, not winning doesn’t mean the end. I certainly hope she can parlay this into a successful career, because we need more people like her around!

You would think, though, like a good little queer, I would have been hosting a fabulous GG party last night to partake in the festivities and cheer on the aforementioned diva, but interestingly enough, we did have people over, but none of us watched TV. In fact, we all just hung out in the living room and talked. It was actually quite nice. It was like getting to know your friends, which is just interesting, because, well, we are all friends already, but sometimes you learn things about each other by talking (that’s right! No TV, talking, WTF?!?!111!!). It reminded me of when we waited all night outside Target for the Wii… same thing as last night, but there was more drinking last night, and it was not cold. And, well, we weren’t sitting outside a Target all night long.

What was interesting about last night, though, was that the conversation quickly made a turn when we decided to have a rousing game of “never have I ever…”. Needless to say, it was quite fun to see who had done what, and who hadn’t done it at all. I learned a lot about what goes on in some of my friend’s bedrooms, and what has gone on in public places as well. While it was fun, and definitely interesting, I have to say that I solidified something that I only sort of believed about myself: I am definitely a prude when it comes to sex. Most of my friends have done this, that, and the other, by themselves, with one, two, or three, and well, me, I just haven’t. Of course I have done the deed, but for the most part, I am pretty vanilla when it comes to hanky panky.

Now, I am not saying that there is a “requirement” to do more things sexually, or need to be more sexually “adventurous”, but I never went through the so-called “whore” phase when I came out, and as such, haven’t really done that much sexually (because supposedly, this is when most gay men reach a sexual awakening, and go, well, buck wild). Mostly, this is because of my thoughts on sex, a lot of which stems from my upbringing, where I didn’t learn anything about sex until I found it out on my own. Couple that with good old fashioned guilt about everything, and you have someone that thought for the longest time that sex before marriage was a big old sin that should never be committed. Sure, it may be a sin, but I really, really was against it. Thank goodness that I am not so weird about it any more, but I still can’t seem to shake that little “oh no! we couldn’t do that!!!” bird that sits on my shoulder, and to this day, I really don’t know where it came from (or why it won’t go away!). But I guess I can say this; I have been a careful boy. I am safe today as a result. That is a definite plus. But, I can’t help but feel like I may have missed out on some stuff. Now, I know it is never too late, but that little bird is still there, so I don’t know how much I will (if ever) do differently. Now, I am not fretting or anything, and it is definitely c’est la vie for sure, because it is, after all, just sex, but it was interesting to find out that my thoughts that I may be Prudence McPrude was actually a pretty spot on reality. It doesn’t change how much I think about sex, or how much I love looking at the mens, but it definitely curbs my actions. I guess you could say that I am definitely a think-before-you-act kinda guy… and maybe that isn’t SO bad.

all about me, mixed media, near and dear

painting as therapy?

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Last night, we had some friends over, and all of them saw my paintings and commented on how much they liked them (again), as well as the ones that are currently deemed “works in progress”. They also all wanted paintings for their houses (I will be happy to oblige), and wanted to know why I wasn’t painting currently. It got me to thinking; painting is a creative outlet for me, and is something that I actually do get joy out of the finished product. I get the chance to feel creative, and produce something that I am proud of. So why am I not doing it? Well, the fact is, this is just another symptom of that crazy depression; you lose interest in or the ability to do things you once loved doing. One of the first things I sadly lost was my interest in music; but luckily, I have managed to gain that back with a vengeance. But not without a little push from within myself.

Perhaps that is what I need to get me painting again… a little push. I am going to try and finish some “in the works” paintings that I have lying around today. Hopefully, this will be what I need to successfully move me back into yet another thing I love to do that has sadly fallen prey to anhedonia. Now if I could only get rid of all of the depression… ah, one step at a time. Now I gotta go paint!

As for the living room painting… we got bogged down yesterday and were unable to finish, so we decided to clean up instead and wait on the finishing touches. I will take some pictures of the product in its current state, because it looks great as is, and post those probably tomorrow. When you see them, you will just have to imagine them completely finished, okay?

Also, here is a link to the paintings I currently have completed and put online. Let me know what you think!

all about me, is it just me?, near and dear, the catch-all-egory

what does blogging mean anyway?

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I feel like lately, I haven’t had anything to say that would be worth reading. More importantly, I feel like the things I would write aren’t things people want to hear about anyway. Negative, negative, negative; sometimes, life can just be that way. But should that be what I am blogging about? Do people want to hear that stuff??? What does blogging mean anyway? What does it mean to you?

For me, I started this blog because I wanted to share my thoughts with the internets. I still feel that way just as strongly today as I ever did, but what I am going through right now prevents me from being able to focus in the ways I did in the past. It prevents me from opening a can of whoop ass if I need to, and it prevents me from even thinking sometimes. Sometimes, it is all I have not to just sleep the day away. But is that really what I should be blogging about? I know that I am in essence doing that very thing right at this very second, but I guess that is as good a way as any to bring it up, right?

I love my blog. I brings me a lot of joy. I hope others like it too. But I worry that I don’t have the right stuff to keep it healthy and thriving, you know? I also feel like I have lost so much by going through this craptasticness, and even though I want to just be like “stop idiot! let’s get back into the light!”, for whatever reason, I ain’t moving. I guess one good thing about that, is that it shows that I am not going anywhere (with regards to this blog and all), and that eventually, I will begin to see the landscape around me again… I hope.

all about me, listen up!, mixed media, politics, venting, well?, wtf?!

do you think he has been drugged?

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That is the only thing that I can think of that would lead Bush to be open minded, and actually LISTEN to a plan about the war that doesn’t focus on “staying the course”, and pumping more and more resources and troops into Iraq. If he is on drugs, I hope he stays on them for at least two more years, so we can get our troops home, and hopefully solve this situation we are currently mucking up half a world away. My only fear, is that listening is not a guarantee that he will actually hear what is being said; let’s hope that my fear doesn’t become reality. Perhaps Bush is beginning to realize that very few people are backing him in his warmongering efforts, and finally grew a conscious!? Who knows… I guess we will see, won’t we? (source)

UPDATE: Looks like he isn’t listening. Stay the course, moron, stay the course. Fucker.

Other than that news, there isn’t much going on for me right now. Going into another weekend, I am just excited about spending time doing things with friends, rather than sitting at work. Man, I cherish my weekends. Don’t we all, though? I just wish I could have an actual vacation, and not have to use it for sick time and going to see family. One of these days, I will spend some time on a sandy beach sipping some kind of fruity drink. On second thought, scratch that, I don’t do sand, and too many fruity drinks can make you feel quite ill; trust me, that is based on experience. I would just settle for a week of uninhibited fun… anywhere. Hopefully some day…

Now, I will quit rambling, and hope that you all have a great weekend. I took some of the advice provided in the previous post’s comments, and hopefully that will solve some of my problems. I may try out WP, but not right this minute. I am also thinking of switching webhosts, so if you have referral codes or shit like that, let me know.

Also, does anyone still watch ANTM? Caridee is the best!! I am so glad she won!!!! YAY! Alright, I’m outta here!

all about me

dying to be thin… again

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I am not sure if I have ever really talked in depth about my battle with an eating disorder so many years ago, and my continual struggle with body dysmorphic disorder, but I saw this documentary the other day that got me to thinking, and made me want to reflect on some of my own experience with the subject. The documentary was called Thin, and it focuses on women that are at a clinic for eating disorders, and shows what they go through trying to beat the disease. What’s weird to me about the movie, is that the film maker definitely doesn’t take sides, and it shows how much blame really exists when people see someone suffering from an eating disorder. There was even one patient that was asked to leave, because she was seen as a bad influence. That actually shocked me.

See, when I was at the height of my eating disorder, which I will refer to as anorexia, but it really wasn’t (I will explain in a second), I knew exactly what I was doing, and knew what effect what I was doing to myself would have. I was literally killing myself to be thinner; but I couldn’t stop myself. This was a typical day in my life back when I was in the height of my illness:
– Go to AM classes.
– Come back to apartment, eat cereal (frosted flakes usually) with skim milk, and maybe a cucumber with fat free sour cream ranch dip.
– Go to afternoon classes. Meet friends on campus at one of the ala carte dining spots, but only have a diet soda, nothing to eat.
– After coming home from final classes, get changed and go to the gym. While at the gym, run 6 miles and do 4-5 weight machines, followed by sit ups.
– Have dinner at the apartment, usually rice with a veggie burger (fat free, of course).
– Do homework/watch TV, go to bed.

I would follow this routine roughly six days a week. On the sixth day, when I obviously didn’t have class, I would work out a little longer, if I had time. My life focused on structure, getting things accomplished, and order. I counted every calorie, and knew (and still know) how many calories are in almost any kind of food. I can still to this day make a pretty approximate guess of how many calories and fat are in just about any kind of food, be it fast food, or food that I prepared. I made sure I never had more than 10 grams of fat a day, and I made sure that I never went over 1200 calories in a day. In fact, that was considered the maximum for me, and I don’t think I ever even got close to consuming that amount. The 6 mile run would burn off at least that much, so that was where the limit came from. I never had a cheat day, and I was always conscious of what was being eaten by anyone around me. This explains why I still have an iron clad will power when it comes to food (even though, I have gotten pretty good at ignoring it lately). I can so no to any kind of food; all because I know what eating it will do. It will make me fat.

This is going to be a long entry, so I will cut it here, and put the rest after the jump. There is also a picture of me from this time after the cut, so if you want to see how truly skinny I was; well, read on!!!

Read more →

all about me

so I’m back

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I had a great time for my short stay in Philly. I didn’t get to see much of the city, but of what I did see, I liked. I am glad to be back home though, because I did miss my man and my dog, but they were sweet, and I came home to a sweet banner and some home-cooked meatloaf. I will post a picture of the banner later… it is too cute.

Other than that, I just feel like I am trying to catch up with a moving train right now, but the more I try to focus and put energy into catching up, the further and faster the train is going. Hopefully, that feeling will subside soon. It is also complicated, somewhat, by the fact that sometimes, when you are with someone, and you try really hard to meet all of their needs, when you feel like you need to meet your own, you end up feeling guilty about it. It doesn’t make sense, but it is still there nonetheless.

These aren’t necessarily problems, but they are things that cause lots of frustration on the part of the person that is constantly in a battle to maintain peace and order on the home-front. Sometimes, I just wish that there was an understanding that I like to go out and do things way more than sitting on the couch and watching tv while he falls asleep. Spending time together is paramount, but I also need the ability to go out and do my own thing, which is part of what keeps me sane and together; so is it too much to ask to let me do those things? I don’t think that it is, so long as I am still there; but I just wish that the compromise wasn’t usually comprised of me being the one that compromises.

I guess that’s part of love. I just wish that love would push a little more bird-feed to my side of the cage every once and a while. At least we are taking care of one of the three C’s (consideration, communication, and compromise): consideration. Now, if we could just nail those other two.

Cryptic blogpost OUT!