Category: all about me

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picking up right where we left off…

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I had a great lunch today with one of my best friends in the whole world, who is pictured here with me. We met way back at the beginning of my freshman year of college, at a little university called Campbell University in the not-quite-a-town of Buies Creek, NC.

I met Margaret one night early in the school year, when we were all going to go out clubbing, and my first memories of her are of her cussing out some people, telling them she was going to kill them if they didn’t back their fucking car up (because they were blocking us in). Needless to say, I thought she was a bit crazy at that moment, but I was quickly proven wrong. Margaret and I quickly became best friends, spending almost every minute together. After our freshman year, we both left the school, but stayed in touch, much in the way you do with long distance friends; with only the occasional call or email or letter.

Over the years, even though we rarely saw each other, each time we did, it was like we just picked right up where we left off. There was never a reacquaintence awkward period; it was always right back to the best friends that were brought together way back in our freshman year.

When I was finishing my final semester at ECU, Margaret broke up with her then boyfriend, and felt like she had to move to warmer climates (away from Pennsylvania), and so she came to live with me. We lived together for about 5 months or so, and during that time, she was the very first person that I came out to. Margaret was there for one of the biggest things that has ever happened to me in my life, and I am grateful that she was the person that supported me in the way she did. I am glad that it was her that first heard me say those faithful words, “I’m gay”; because I could think of no one more suitable.

Margaret has always been one of those friends that has been there. I know that even though she and I hardly see each other, that she is just a phone call away, and that when we do meet up again, it will be just like old times. It is rare to have friends like this, that transcend time and distance, but Margaret is definitely one of those friends. It was great seeing her and her fiance’ today, and I can’t wait until our next meeting.

Until then… She is getting married next March, so I know that I will see her then for sure… so now I just need to focus on losing weight for the wedding!! Here’s to great friends like Margaret, who are always there in your life.

all about me, happenings, near and dear

when I grow up…

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I had my meeting at GSU yesterday, and I got more than I was expecting; I got a huge dose of hope. I went into the meeting a little bit apprehensive, because going back to school seems like the biggest step in the whole world, but I am more confident now, that I am going to make it.

Turns out, they are going to count many of my undergrad classes towards the admission guidelines (YAY!), and, of the courses that I have to take that are prerequisites, I can take them online, or at a another school. This is great news, as I was hoping to be able to knock out those prerequisites quickly, and doing them online will give me the opportunity to do just that. Additionally, I don’t have very many of those courses to take before I can apply to the nursing program.

This has been something that has been a long time in the making, and instead of feeling overwhelmed as I walked across the GSU campus, I felt excited. I am truly invigorated that I am making small steps at improving my happiness, and improving my life. My goals don’t seem so far out of reach now, and I honestly feel like this is something that I can do. I feel like I will be able to take the steps that I need, and never look back. I need to now focus on starting the journey, and realize that the end will come; as long as I keep moving.

It is funny, sort of, that I was so worried about going back to school. See, while I hated undergrad (mostly because of the school I was at, and just the issues of being in the closet), and didn’t do too terribly well, grad school was an amazing experience. I learned so much, not only about the world, and how people and culture adapt and survive, but about myself as well. I learned that I can really do anything I put my mind to, and I have to start believing that again. I actually liked school when I was in grad school, so it is funny that a BSN program seemed such a far stretch; when chances are, even though it will be tough, and probably difficult at times, I am sure that I will enjoy it, and I know that I can do it.

They are definitely right when they say that going to school later in life usually makes for a better student; you just don’t look at things the same way, and you have matured to a place where you know how important the whole thing is. Also, you REALLY know how much those classes are costing, so you take them more seriously (at least, that was the case for me).

So, now that I have made this step to find out what I need to go to nursing school, what next? I have a list of the prerequisites that I must fulfill, and I am going to begin doing some searching for programs and schools that I can take them at. I also would like to look into as many different options for nursing schools as possible; especially online programs, because of their convenience. Any help from any of you is much appreciated (hint hint).

Wish me luck. In fact, continue wishing me luck for the long haul; I am going to need it. Perhaps, in a few years, I’ll get to be what I want to be when I grow up…

all about me, cream of the crop, hmm interesting, is it just me?, mixed media, near and dear, show the love

but what about what I need?

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… what about me?

That’s what Effie White asks of her friends in Dreamgirls, when they ask her to sacrifice for the betterment of the whole group. I have been having the same questions run through my brain lately, with regards to friends, family, acceptance, etc, and I have to say, I think that while Effie does have a point, I realize that the group has an equally valid point, as well. Effie needs her needs met, and she feels that they aren’t being seen by those in the group. Meanwhile, the group also needs their needs met, and in order for that to happen, Effie has to give in. This doesn’t make Effie selfish or a bad person, it just illustrates that in many cases, we don’t understand the dynamics of our feelings. She also illustrates that she is truly considerate, because she does bend. (well, until she breaks, but that is Dreamgirls… we are talking about me now)

I have recently taken some extensive time to evaluate what I need, and how I go about meeting those needs. I have been asking myself the above questions, and I feel like I haven’t given enough consideration to what the “group” needs. I have made the same mistake as Effie, by worrying more about my own needs, and not realizing, that my needs can be met, even if not in the way that I had expected. Additionally, and most importantly, I am ultimately in charge of meeting my own needs.

Fact of the matter is, through my reflection and examination of my current situation and feelings about friends, family, etc, I have realized that first and foremost, it is up to me to make things happen. Instead of saying, “what about me” to someone else, I need to say it to myself. I need to then realize what they have on their plate, and hopefully, we can come to some sort of middle ground. And if not, I need to realize that in the end, it is always up to me to make myself happy. It is always up to me to make myself feel good about myself; and that should be my focus.

I have got to stop seeking approval for things that need no approval. Additionally, I MUST stop seeking approval for that which has been approved of. I have got to stop worrying about what goes on in ways that I don’t understand, especially in cases when they don’t necessarily meet my needs. I realize that some of those people that I question, really do want to work with me. They really do want what’s best for the “group”, which definitely includes me. They want me to be happy, but they too realize, that the only person that can make them happy, is themselves; so they expect me to realize that, and adjust as necessary. Until now, I admit that I have been ignorantly guilty of not doing that as much as I should. I want to do better.

Given my recent introspective thought, and time spent examining how I handle things, feelings, and actions, I hope that I have reached a new place where I can start to ask myself “but what about me?”, as opposed to displacing that onto the “group”. I hope that from here on out, I can realize that it is up to me to make myself happy, and instead of questioning things too much, over-analyzing things that shouldn’t be analyzed at all, and continually seeking approval for that which has been previously approved of, I can focus more on making myself happy. I know that ultimately, these are distractions that keep me from being happy, and I inadvertently find myself doing them to people over and over again, not out of malicious intent, but out of vicious coping mechanisms that were built to deal with my childhood.

I hope that I can change… but it is going to be more than a retrospective thought process. This is going to take some time. So, Dreamgirls, please bear with me. I want what’s best for us, and I don’t want to give up on us. Know that I really care, and I am working on it. Epiphany can be a powerful thing; as it has proven to recently be. So, know that I am trying. As Effie says later in the film, “I am changing. Trying every way I can. I am changing. I’ll be better than I am.”

And you know what, I am changing. And I will be better than I am.

all about me, flickr, mixed media, show the love

controlling chaos: the paintings

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In case you were curious, here they are:
controlling chaos (blue)controlling chaos (red)
They look a little different in real life, but the color was sort of funky since it is the afternoon. You still get the idea. They should be up on the paintings page soon.

Hope you like them! I know I do!!! FYI, they are meant to hang beside each other, but the images from flickr are a little too big for that, and I am too lazy to upload them to my server. Maybe I will change it tomorrow to fix it, but maybe I won’t. Either way, here they are.

all about me, near and dear

distraction, focus, and pressure

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Distraction. We all experience it. Sometimes, it is all there is in me. Sometimes, it is all that you can get from me. But, when I got to the lowest point of my depression, even distraction didn’t work for me. Distraction moved out of the way for apathy.

For some, distraction is a bad thing. It keeps them from focusing on the real issues that plague them; the real issues that keep them bundled up in that depressive state. It’s weird, because when I was talking about my concern over an issue, yesterday, he became more focused on the fact that it was merely a distraction. Distraction is no longer giving way to apathy.

But, he worried that distraction meant a lack of focus. Focus on what was most important; getting out of this depressive cycle, by making real changes on the real issues that plague me. He thought this was distracting me away from the hard stuff, with the invention of new issues. Interesting.

But what is more interesting, is that distraction is focus. At least for me. When I distract myself on a new issue, a new pursuit, a new idea that I can ponder; I am freeing myself from apathy. When I scream at the top of my lungs about an issue to those who disagree, even though I know they will never change; I am focused on something. And regardless of where it came from; I am a little bit less apathetic. It may seem futile, and it may seem distracting, but it is my way of bringing things a little bit more into focus.

And little by little, the more issues I focus on, the more the big ones move into my line of sight, and it is harder for me to avoid them. I begin to focus on those things, which makes me want to focus on the big things. And recently, I took a step; a small step, but a step. I set up a chance to begin taking on one of the big things. And I am scared. But I am still focused.

Focused on that issue. But now comes the hard part; the pressure. I can’t let it overcome me like it has for so many years. I have to maintain focusing on these distractions, so that this big one won’t get away. I can’t ignore it anymore; and that is a LOT of pressure.

all about me, hmm interesting, near and dear, sex (oh yeah), well?

I want my pink shirt back!

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And by pink shirt, I mean foreskin. (yikes!)

Most people know that I am not for circumcision, that is, unless you choose it for yourself. I believe that aesthetics, unsubstantiated HIV “prevention”, hygiene, and personal preference are not solid enough arguments (even when strung together) to justify genital mutilation. And I want mine back.

I have looked into it, and there are TONS of different methods and things available to restore one’s foreskin. There is even a society, dedicated to the cause! While I am not willing to undergo surgery, I really think it would be great to regain a part of my body that was taken from me without my permission. Do I think that I can’t live without it? No. But, I do think that if there is a pain-free way of getting it restored, why not give it a shot, right? I mean, it is MINE after all! (well, it WILL be mine)

James didn’t seem to happy about the idea, and insisted that I go and talk to our doctor. Since he wants that, I will make an appointment, but I don’t think that this is really a medical thing. The procedures are practically the same thing a body piercer would do in conjunction with you to stretch your ears, or any other piercing site. People have stretched ears, and it was not done by a doctor; it is a body modification. In the case of the foreskin, it is restoring the body to its original state. It is stretching the skin so that it will be like it was, or like it should have been, that is, if it wasn’t hacked off when I was a wee little thing. This is something private, that I kind of want for myself; that poses no real harm if I do it (I know how to keep my body clean; trust me).

I am still contemplating it, mainly because of the time commitment, but I seriously think that this would be a pretty cool thing to have foreskin. Just based on the fact that it would make things more sensitive, as well as the fact that it would give me back what was taken from me without my permission, I think that this idea is a good one. I don’t necessarily have a time line in mind of when said “restoration” would begin and end, but it is definitely a thought mulling around in my brain.

Now, if you are wondering what got me thinking about this in particular, it was two things. First of all, fellow blogger Joel sent me this article, in which the author likens the removal of the foreskin to the removal of cataracts. I wholeheartedly disagree, mainly because the foreskin is something that every boy is born with, and it is not a disease that causes harm to the body. And second, to build on that, a colleague of mine got into a discussion about it yesterday (good timing, huh?), who insisted that it was a good idea because of hygienic reasons, to which I promptly reminded him that you can just keep it clean instead of hacking it off. Can you imaging sewing up your asshole because shit comes out? Exactly! You learn to wipe your ass! So, that is where this whole thing it came from.

But don’t think that I made this decision (I haven’t ordered anything yet) without giving this a lot of thought; I have. I would say that I have actually given this a fair amount of thought for over a year, and this instance of discussing it just pushed it to the front of my brain.

I am interested to see what ya’ll think… I mean, not so much about me restoring my foreskin, because, well, I don’t want everyone actively thinking so much about my penis; but just the idea of the restoration itself? I personally see it as a way to do something for yourself that is totally attainable, if you should want to do it. Body modification/restoration. Nothing invasive, and nothing that would cause any harm. In fact, it wouldn’t even be a big deal if you didn’t know I did it. Right?

all about me, near and dear, tragic

it’s taking it’s toll…

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Life, that is.

Eh, to say it’s “one of those days” would be a vast understatement. Sometimes I just feel like this, and it sucks. It doesn’t go anywhere, and then a few hours/days/weeks, it’s back to normal (or at least semi-normal). It is just enough to make you never want to get out of the bed again. Never interact with anyone again. Just enjoy your potato bagel with jalapeno cream cheese in the car, with the AC on blast, and the Carpenters blaring from the speakers. At least I can take comfort in those three things.

Also, I gave a homeless man a dollar today. I didn’t do it for selfish reasons, I didn’t do it to make myself feel better, regardless of what some might think; I gave it to him because I thought he needed it. He had the sign (they all do), and his said that he was a veteran. He looked like he could have been somebody’s grandpa.

And after I gave him that dollar, what did I feel? Goodness? Joy? Nope. It made me feel selfish. Selfish that I have all of these “problems”, and that I let depression take over me like it is today. It made me feel bad for not giving him more. It made me feel bad that I was sitting in my AC-cooled luxury car, while this man sat on the side of the road in the shade, because he didn’t have access to an indoor space. It just made me feel bad. Perhaps it made me feel more human.

Sometimes, I worry that the things that I take for granted will go away. But, in the state I am in, I am almost too apathetic to care. I’m too upset about the world, about what people think, the war, homelessness, global warming, etc. And it just goes on and on. And yet, I have it so good, but sometimes I don’t even see it. I am grateful, but things like this make me feel bad that I am not more grateful.

All that from a dollar. Some days are just those days… and it’s definitely taking it’s toll on me.

"pointless", all about me, hmm interesting, the catch-all-egory

I said oops, up side the head

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I said oops up side the head!

Yeah, I am in a silly mood. I have noticed though, as it has come to my attention several times, that I do seem to ask for the fight here on my blog. I mean, I know that I am just putting my opinions out there, but apparently, I attract a certain type of person that wants to disagree at all costs. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with this, but it is just an observation. I guess I should own up to the part I play in the whole “asking for it” portion of most of the arguments I get into on here. I can’t help it really, because I really do passionately believe what I write, and it is hard for me to just let it go when someone says something that I believe is wrong; especially when they are refuting my opinions which I believe are based on facts.

This is not a personal attack on anyone; it is simply an observation of MY part in the whole “asking for it” thing. I don’t care if you agree with me or not, really, I just felt like it needed to be said (mostly for me).

Other than that, not much going on today. I have just been slumming around the house, and strangely enough, 3 hours just went by, and I really didn’t even notice. Some of that time was spent trying to edit my CSS page for this blog, only to be met with frustration, because most of the changes I tried to make didn’t do anything. I still can’t figure out why, because built the CSS for my last template, but I can’t seem to figure this one out. Oh well… not a big deal I guess. I did add a new more fun icon for the default gravatar, and made the other ones bigger. Sometimes, it’s the little things, you know? I am going to go and relax in front of the TV, and enjoy the rest of the afternoon.

Update on the sewer: Everything was totally done yesterday!! I am so happy it was as painless as it was. They did find out though, that our septic tank is under the deck, which is only a minor problem. See, there really aren’t permits or regulation laws regarding them in Georgia, so technically, it can just be left there once it is pumped out. Which is good, because I really don’t want them to have to tear off our back deck. Hopefully, they will get the new sod in soon, and we can have a normal back yard again. I am just happy we didn’t have to spend one dime to get hooked up the sewer… we just saved thousands of dollars! ROCK!

"pointless", all about me, music musings, the catch-all-egory

OCD gets the best of me…

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Kinda like Sophie Ellis Bextor, but with less panache. Basically, I have spent most of the afternoon organizing my iTunes library, so the damn album art will show up when you are playing the song on my ipod. You would be surprised at how many you have to manually put in there. At least I figured out how to do multiple items at the same time… that was uber frustrating at first.

Today has been pretty productive, I guess, because there is nothing like a little order to make things all better. We babysat for a good friend this morning, and ever since, the relaxation and organization have been a good team.

The only way it could be any better, is if I didn’t have to go to work tomorrow… but I guess you can’t have everything, right?

Since I have been spending so much time in front of iTunes today, I picked up several new CDs to check out. Here’s the list:
Mark Ronson – Version
James Morrison – Undiscovered
Ray Lamontagne – Trouble
Fall Out Boy – Infinity On High
Linkin Park – Minutes To Midnight
Arcade Fire – Neon Bible
Melee – Angels and Demons

So far, on initial listens, I am liking a lot of what I am hearing. As always, let me know what you are checking out! Share and share alike, right?

"pointless", all about me, the catch-all-egory, tragic, venting

disconnected

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I feel like I am disconnected from my body, and I am just on the inside looking out while it moves forward with the day to day routine. It is definitely a weird feeling, and it just makes me feel terribly uncomfortable, being disconnected from myself.

I don’t feel out of control, I just feel powerless. I feel run down, like someone forgot to charge me or something. I don’t like this feeling, and hope it goes away soon.

Someone egged my car last night, too. WTF is that about? I mean, it is just a random fucking Wednesday, and you egg my car? James is going to check the camera archive to see if there is video of it. If there is, then I will you tube it, and put it on here for all to see. Perhaps we can even make out who did it, which would at least be cool to see who the jerks are. Either way, it isn’t that big of a deal, but it just pisses me off. I just don’t understand why people have to destroy or vandalize other people’s stuff. I never did anything like that when I was a kid or a teenager, and I just don’t get the motivation behind it. I hope whatever they needed to get from egging my car was achieved, and hope that they don’t need to do it again.

I also got my new ipod skin, and I don’t know how I feel about it. It is pretty, but it is almost slippery; and it isn’t the iskin that I had. I don’t like change. Either way, there will be pictures post haste on flickr. No buyers remorse or anything, just a period of adjustment. It seems that everything is turning into a period of adjustment.

Tonight is the APWBWGTTD, so I hope that I feel more connected and like myself before then. If not, I might just skip it. I don’t like being in this state, and it certainly doesn’t add to being comfortable around others. I guess we’ll see where it goes over the next few hours.

Ugh. Meeting in 30 minutes. I should have stayed in bed.