Category: all about me

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thanks and thoughts

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I wanted to say thanks to everyone that sent well wishes and stuff the other day; I was just in a weird spot, and I honestly was thinking too much for my own good. I have this incredible ability to let something minuscule turn into a huge festering thing in my mind, all because I focus too much on it. I am working on that, but it is part of what I learned in how to deal with people when I was growing up. Some of that stuff never goes away, and you just have to deal with it; perhaps that is why I find that I do get let down when I expect too much from people. My parents were good at letting me down, and yet, I naively always believed that the next time, they wouldn’t; which unfortunately, almost always ended in disappointment. I am working on getting out of that, but for now, I can only go at this pace. Thanks for listening, understanding, and being here.

Sydney is doing better, although he is very lethargic and doesn’t want to move around much. I am hoping that by the end of the weekend, he is back to his normal, energetic self. I don’t like seeing him in any pain, because he really is my “baby”, and I love him so much. I am just glad that his tests came back normal, and it appears to just be a case of upset tummy. Thanks to everyone for their thoughts about him, as well.

Other than that, there isn’t really much going on in the way of “stuff” right now. I am still in a little bit of a weird place, as it was pointed out to me that I was being a little snippy at lunch with James. I was constantly on his case about his driving, because, well, he is a very easily distracted person anyway, and I really didn’t want anything to happen to him or his car. I guess sometimes, good intentions come out bitchy. Oh well… perhaps it is the rain today? Who knows… I just know I am glad that it is Friday.

Finally, a few links with some scattered thoughts:
— Surprise! A negative review of “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” from a gay website. While I don’t really care one way or another about the movie getting good or bad reviews, it always makes me wonder about people who watch movies and criticize them, when it is clear to everyone else that the movie is going to contain the very elements that the critic negatively goes on and on about. Obviously, this movie is going to use borderline or outright negative gay stereotypes and bad humor to poke fun at what most American men see to be an uncomfortable situation; a simulated homosexual relationship between two straight men. While it may be distasteful and possibly a negative reinforcement (but probably not, since GLAAD gave it a thumbs up), if you don’t want to hear the negative gay jokes, don’t go see this movie; problem solved. I do have to say though, that I think Kevin James is absolutely adorable, and I don’t think that his part in this dumb movie will change any of that feeling from me.
— Cheney will be in charge while Bush goes under for a routine colonoscopy. I would really have loved it if the news outlets had gotten creative, and came up with creatively disgusting titles to supplement this story. However, I for one don’t know how they are actually going to get in there, with that big stick shoved up his ass, and all.
— I saw this clip of Tammy Faye when she was recently on the Larry King show, and it honestly just breaks my heart to see someone so sweet and genuinely wonderful suffering like that. Hell, I don’t like seeing anyone suffer, but Tammy Faye is good, and she totally has had our backs for a long time, showing the world what a true Christian should be like. Additionally, her son has turned out to be accepting and loving as well; not to mention, kind of hot. I love you Tammy Faye, and I hope that you are not suffering, and that your final days are peaceful and happy. You have been there for the gays, and we definitely thank you for your love, kindness, and support. If only there were more like you, Tammy Faye.

I hope everyone has a great weekend, and I am going to do my best to relax, finish the paintings I am working on, and spend time with my family (James, little Sydney, and some friends if they are interesting in hanging out). Now, I’m off to get some damn wine… I have been Cabernet-ing it up this week; I see no reason to slow up now!

all about me, hmm interesting, is it just me?, near and dear

I think that I expect too much sometimes

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Perhaps all of the time.

I think that I get my feelings hurt, or am disappointed, because I expect too much. Is it possible, that I put too much thought, guilt, worry, or anxiety into relationships, so much so, that I inadvertently cause the situation to go all weird? I wouldn’t think that this would be the case, because if it were, it would be the standard; and it isn’t.

I mean, I really don’t think that I do any of this outwardly, or even on purpose, but for whatever reason, I feel like there must be something that I do that makes people change. It is the only solution that I can come up with, although, it is really the only one that I can truly substantiate if it is reality. Again, I probably am over-analyzing things, but what if I am not? What if there is something that I do, something small, that causes these changes in my relationships with other people?

Maybe I expect too much. I don’t think that I do, but maybe I do… Maybe that is more of the problem than the actual situations that I find myself in from time to time; expecting too much will always mean that I am the one that is let down. I don’t know how I find myself here all of the time, but here I am, and it really upsets me. It really breaks you down to feel this way so much, and very rarely gain any resolve for the situation.

So why do I keep doing it? Why can’t I stop thinking for one minute, and just let things travel on their own? I honestly don’t know, but I know that I have always been this way, and if it is the problem, it is more than frustrating; it is debilitating and very upsetting, especially because it is unconscious. I want to just exist in a place where I am involved with people that understand me, and I don’t spend a lot of my time over-analyzing actions, words, or the lack of either. I don’t think that it is paranoia, because I am definitely experiencing it; but I do think that it could be that I expect too much sometimes.

I’m just going to put on my headphones, listen to some music, and try to forget myself for a little while. I am clearly thinking too much this morning. To top it all off, Sydney isn’t feeling well, and we had to take him into the vet yesterday for an IV and some tests. After they brought him out, I was holding him, and he just pissed all over me; without warning. Poor little guy. I just hope that he is feeling better soon… I know that my wallet would be happier as well.

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hopeful of change for Iraq, and some other interesting things

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So, the surge, you know, the one that I said wouldn’t work (because the many before it didn’t either), apparently isn’t working. Oops… I mean, we should have known better right? Wait… WE DID! Well, you would think at this point we would have gained a better perspective on things, especially regarding foreign policingpolicy, but alas, we aren’t making the changes we need to. But if you want to continue to believe that we are not causing any problems, and that genocide of Iraq and Iran is the answer, please, bury your head back in the sand, and let those of us that know the truth, strategize in peace.

However this goes, I have ultimate hope that this is true (that picture makes me want to vomit): apparently, given the dissension of his cronies, Bush might actually give in and compromise on a pull out strategy for Iraq. It is becoming clearer and clearer each and every day that we are doing way more harm than good by being in Iraq, and it is good to see more people coming over the that truth; even if it has taken this long. (Apparently, even though they aren’t doing what they need to do to get better, the Iraqis don’t agree that a pull out is good… hmmm, aren’t they already in a full blown civil war? Yeah, so stop using the “threat” of that as an excuse.).

This whole issue is like beating a dead horse, and we really just need to go ahead and bury the corpse already; it has gone beyond stinking. Stop the war, stop the killing, and stop trying to steal oil from another country. Let’s focus on us… that would be a good place to start.

Also, I don’t know how I feel about this, other than to say it pisses me off that people can generalize things so ridiculously. So let’s see, since SOME people get prescribed anti-depressants who are not depressed, it must mean that everyone is just seeking a “freebie” or an “easy out”? Fuck you. Seriously, fuck you. I know for my depression, I was in therapy a good 3 months before I ever even brought up the word medication, and I didn’t want to go on it, because I was not sure I needed it. I sought help for my depression, and as a result, have gotten a lot better. If I would have kept going down the road I was on, who knows what would have happened. I have said it before, and I will say it again, this sort of turning a blind eye on the need for mental health (as one sane doctor in the article calls for more of) is dangerous and just plain wrong. I hope that people continue to seek help if they need it; because even with the drugs, it isn’t an “easy fix”. Getting over depression is a daily struggle, and those drugs don’t take care of that for you. Shame on the people that are lumping and splitting all people on these medications in that way.

I also found this an interesting read. It seems pretty compelling that there is enough of a case to believe that perhaps Kurt Cobain didn’t kill himself. That really gets me thinking, especially because I remember when it was reported that he died. It really hit a lot of people hard, and it did seem a little out of place. Hmm… perhaps something will come of this? Either way, it was interesting to read, so I thought I would share.

That’s enough for today, I guess. Stay cool… it’s hot as fuck out there.

all about me, happenings, hmm interesting, the catch-all-egory

hmmm… now I know

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First of all, thanks to everyone that has wished me well, it means a lot. I am definitely doing better, but I am still in some significant pain. I also managed to twist my right knee, somehow, and I basically feel like I am falling apart. Hopefully, both things will heal at the same time, and I can get back to feeling good, and very importantly, go back to working out; I can tell the weight loss has grinded to a seriously halt. I also look forward to NOT taking pain medication and muscle relaxers anymore; I am on vicodin, naproxen (500mg), and skelaxin. Unfortunately, the effect of those medicines, is that I feel completely trashed, and loopy as fuck. Right now, as I write this, I feel like I have had 5 drinks too many, and I am completely sober. Tis not good, y’all. It also makes me incredibly nauseous, which just complicates things. Here’s to getting better!

I went a little crazy this weekend with decorating. I was so stir crazy from the cabin fever, that James and I went to Home Goods on Saturday, and I totally got bitten by the decorating bug. Our bedroom has never actually be decorated the whole time that we have lived in our house, and I felt that it was about time to do something about that. The result was a fun time picking out art and things to decorate the barren walls of our “love chamber”. I will try to get some pictures of it when it is finished (and when I have had time to clean it to a presentable standard). I love decorating, and I had a lot of fun picking out all of the stuff I got. I also haven’t been to Home Goods in a while, and totally forgot how much I love that place.

Finally, we had to take Sydney to the vet this morning because of his day on, day off, yelping and “woe is me” routine. We were sufficiently worried about his well being, so we decided that it was pertinent to take him in. They said that it might be stomach acid, or even an ulcer, so we got the medication (i.e., gross) dog food for him, and were instructed to watch him. James and I had a talk, and I think that we have caused this problem (at least in part) by giving him scraps from our plates. We are going to stop the people food all together, because I want my little boy to live a long and happy life. If anything happened to him, I would be devastated, and I am just glad that we are going to be striving for a happier, healthier Sydney.

Well, that’s about it for now… I am seriously hating the effects of these pills. I feel like complete shit right now. Here’s hoping I don’t have to throw up, because the nausea is taking me over right now. Wish me luck, and pray that I don’t have to.

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well, it’s friday… wait, what?

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So this week has really gotten away from me. Perhaps it was the combination of the pain killers, the muscle relaxers, the inability to get around without pain, the back spasms, the cabin fever, and the myriad of other distractions that have somehow kept me sane in my bed this week. Thank god for wireless internet, movies, music, working from home, a snuggly dog, the internets, and my lovely husband (who does, unfortunately, have a pretty shallow threshold for dealing with things like this, and occasionally needs to disappear; which is annoying, but sometimes understandable). Overall, it has been a relaxing week, but I just can’t believe that it is over, and I am still pretty uncomfortable.

I know that a lot of people are still wondering why I haven’t gone to the doctor, and thanks for the advice that everyone has provided, but at this point, I don’t see a need to go in, wait an hour, pay my copay, and hear him say I have a pulled muscle in my back and tell me to continue taking the muscle relaxers he has already provided me with. If it gets any worse, I will definitely head for the nearest medical professional, but as long as I continue on my path to progress (see my LONG path to SLOW progress), I will just keep the routine of relax, rest, take pills, sleep, and try not to move in a way that will activate a back spasm (as I did this morning, and triggered the aggravation all over again… nice).

I just hope that this weekend can include some time outside of this house… I am beginning to get a little stir crazy. I have to say though, it has been nice having time to spend watching all of these movies, and repeatedly listening to Sara Bareilles‘ new CD (which again, is WONDERFUL). I have also spent a little time getting to know my netvibes page, which I am obviously not using to its fullest potential. I still want to add more cool shit, so if you have an suggestions, I am all ears.

Final interesting note: I noticed that the picture that I took of my friend at pride was getting a TON of attention yesterday, and I finally found out why; it made reddit at some point during the day. What does that mean? Try 20k+ views and around 30 some odd favorites and comments. Nice. At least it was flickr’s bandwidth and not mine, right? Still, I love that such an awesome “protest” of the protesters is getting so much positive attention; they really do ruin things like pride.

Hope everyone has a great weekend… you’ve got red on you.

all about me, happenings, hmm interesting, is it just me?, movie musings, the catch-all-egory

some days, you just want to stay in bed…

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And some days, you do! This has been my MO for the past several days; lots of rest, and the forced retreat to my comfortable resting spot, my bed. Since throwing my back out on Saturday, I have managed to get a lot of rest, and, in the process, get much better, but I am still experiencing the brunt of the injury (at least I can walk now… thank GOD). Hopefully, things will be right as rain soon, as I am seriously STARTING to get a little cabin fever.

I do have to admit, that I am super pleased that my work has been kind enough to let me work from home, and I have seriously enjoyed the time that I have spent relaxing these past few days. It has kind of been like a mini-vacation; except for the working from home, and the trapped in bed with immense pain parts. To top it all off, the drugs that they gave me serve me well, but only seem to make me incredibly loopy, and feel nauseous as well. Here’s hoping the heating pad does its job, and I am back in action soon.

I want to get out and go see Transformers, because everyone is a buzz about how good it is. Nothing like some mindless special effects to make you take your mind off of your throbbing back, right? When I regain the ability to walk without assistance, James and I are going to take in a showing.

Also, on a weird note, I randomly found this website, that “rates” your blog with a movie rating; based on some unspoken algorithm, and I found it kind of interesting how mine was rated, and more importantly, why they rated it as such. Here’s what I was given:
Online Dating

Mingle2 – Online Dating

Wow, an NC-17! Eat that Elizabeth Berkley! But what is more interesting in the extreme rating, is the justification:

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words: gay (31x), pain (5x), queer (4x), sex (3x), hell (2x), hurt (1x).

Well then… gays in pain, who identify themselves as queer garner an NC-17 rating… interesting how that takes precedent over sex. Weird. Oh well, I just thought it was interesting. Perhaps there is more to be said, but honestly, I am too focused on my back to get into it.

Hope everyone is better than I am today, and I hope to be back on me feet soon.

all about me, happenings, hmm interesting, near and dear, tragic

where in the world is duane?

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The answer: In bed. And, I have been in bed for literally, the entire day; in fact, I am writing this, sitting in bed with my laptop (thank God for that wireless USB adaptor that I bought way back when).

Why have I been in bed all day, you ask? Well, yesterday, I was walking about the house, picking up Sydney’s toys, which were due a good washing, and I leaned down to get one in the kitchen, and upon standing up, found a sharp, shooting pain in my back. It was so intense, I literally fell face first to the floor. After laying there for a few minutes, I felt much better, and made my way back upright; but not totally. I was able to walk comfortably bent over a bit, and as long as I leaned to my right, I was somewhat comfortable.

I went on with some caution, but figured it would be better this morning. Much to my surprise, it wasn’t. I woke up this morning, literally screaming at the top of my lungs in agony. Imagine the worst charlie-horse you have EVER had, multiply it by 10, and then place that in your lower back. Literally, I made my way out of the bed, because I had to pee, and I was seriously contemplating just peeing sitting on the floor, because standing up caused me so much pain. (I did manage to force myself to get up and use the toilet, so don’t get too excited). If I could rate my pain level on a scale of one to ten, this was easily a ten.

The worst part, is that it is still here. I have managed to limp around the house a TINY bit today, but for the most part, I have stayed still in the bed; with the occasional writhing in agony when my back decides it wants to spasm, just because I moved.

I did manage to watch the entire series of Kitchen Confidential, as well as Superman Returns, though, which was something to keep my mind off of the pain. When James got home, he brought me food (didn’t eat all day until he got here, around 6), and he kindly hooked me up with my laptop, and a new movie selection. I wanted to go to the doctor, but I am serious when I say, that the only way I could get there, would be on a stretcher.

I got lots of pain meds, and muscle relaxers from my doc, and I hope that they ease the tension in my back, and manages to stop this awful spasms.

Updates will provided as necessary… hopefully, they will be good updates. Wish me well!

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I’ve got a little crush…

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YAY! We made it to Friday! I am super happy about this weekend, because I know that next week has a holiday right smack dab in the middle of the week; which always make the weekend seem that much better! Plus, everyone in my office is out on vacation, so that makes things super relaxed around here as well. Very, very nice.

Not too much going on today in duane-land, but I have to confess that I have more than a little crush (I know, misleading, aren’t I?) on Simon Pegg (who is being pulled in the picture by the also very handsome Nick Frost; which came from this great photography site). Not only is Shaun of the Dead one of my all time favorite movies, I have to say, that every time I see him, I just can’t get over how strikingly cute he is. Perhaps it is the nerd lover in me? Either way, we watched the movie Big Nothing last night, and it was quite hilarious. Simon Pegg is in it, hence today’s post… It is definitely one we will be adding to the DVD library. Dark comedies can be so fun, can’t they!? If you enjoy dark comedy, I suggest you check this one out, I liked it.

Other than that, I found out that I have $25 in reward zone cash from Best Buy. How sweet! Money for spending lots of money! I am going to swing by there and pick up something this afternoon… a treat!

Finally, does anyone have advice for selling things on eBay? I have thought about it in the past, and never followed through, but I was looking in my closet this morning at all the clothes that I no longer wear, and thought, hey, I should totally sell those on eBay! Just wanted to see what other people’s experiences were with selling on eBay, before I go barreling forward with my “new business”. HA! I always knew there would be a day those designer jeans would have a new home… perhaps that day will come sooner than expected; and in return, I can get a few extra dollars to boot!

Hope everyone has a great afternoon, and a superb weekend. Rock it!

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maybe a little venting, maybe a little something else

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I know that people love to disagree with my “radical” ideas. I also like to have discussion and debate, even when people infer things that I haven’t said, and say things like, “you are being inconsistent”, even when I am not (again, if I were, you would be able to point it out… yet, that hasn’t happened, not even once). I do like to have intelligent discourse, even when those that attempt to engage me, do so in a less than intelligent way.

But what I don’t care for, and what I won’t do, is apologize or justify what I say or have what I have said. If you don’t like it, fuck off. If you want, comment, read, whatever you want. I don’t have to impress you, and I am not trying to.

There are pricks out there on the internet that are literally obsessed with “making fun” of me, and yet, they still don’t get the fact that I don’t need to impress them either. I have addressed this in the past, and I am just in awe of the pathetic obsession that still burns inside them. It is sickeningly pathetic, actually. Move on already.

I am sick and fucking tired of putting up with bullshit, especially here on my own blog. So, if you have a counter point to something that I have said, state it, and we will discuss. However, if all that you have is “you’re wrong!”, then save it, because that isn’t an argument. It’s nothing. And, it will be treated as such. If you want to represent yourself here as having nothing to contribute, that’s your bag, and feel free to do so; but don’t get mad when I call it nothing, because I will.

What a way to start your day, eh? To see those same old people still talking the same old school-yard bullshit about you, just under the radar, rather than having the nuts to actually bring it. Pathetic. When are you going to grow up? If you haven’t already, chances are, you won’t. Perhaps you don’t have the ability to. Either way, pathetic.

I have taken this shit for far too long; I have been dealing with assholes for as long as I can remember, so I guess time for “fuck off” is long overdue. Now, just try and bring the shit-storm bitches. I’m ready for anything.

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pride 2007: recaps and reflections

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perhaps my favorite parade participantAs I stated on Friday, this weekend was the annual Pride festival in Atlanta. Let me start my recap and reflections post about Pride this year by saying, that it was, hands down, the best time I have ever had an any pride before. This year, we got a tent, and set up in the park; which was probably the best decision ever. But more on that in a bit… let’s get started.

First, Saturday morning, James left to go down to the park and set up with everyone, while I remained in bed (I am not a morning person). After setting up, he came home and picked me up, and we were off to the park. I took my camera (as my flickr contacts have already discovered), and started taking shots right when we got there. I didn’t get a lot of good pictures from pride last year because it was rained out, so I definitely wanted to make up for it this year; and I believe I did.

homo sex is sin-sational!I walked around the park with my buddy Josh, along with Daniel and Andrew, and we literally and only made a half of a lap before we were all four soaked with sweat. After seeing the sights for a quick round, we followed Josh back to his place, where some protesters from last year had set up camp. Josh, as he is known pretty well throughout the internets, got back at the protesters last year by “altering” their message; and we were here to capture it this time. I got a great shot of Josh changing their message of hate into something funnier, and something that offered a little bit of relief for the rest of us that hate to see these hate-mongers that parade around throwing the bible in our face. While we were over at his house, we made a mistake, and got into it with one of the protesters, who had brought his two young daughters out in the heat just to damn us to hell. What a prick he turned out to be. Everything that we would ask, he wouldn’t answer, and every time we would say things like “Jesus doesn’t judge”, he would tell us that he did. He was a whack job, as he turned the judgment argument into his personal mission statement, saying that it was he who was to judge. To that, I said that he must be God then, because the Bible says only God can do that. He didn’t like that very much. We also kept asking him if he really believed that he was going to convince anyone using his tactics, to which he would reply that “spreading the word was his mission”. I asked him how often he was out here “spreading the message”, which promptly shut him up about that. He also kept yelling about “accepting Jesus” as the “only way to salvation”, and I told him that I had accepted Jesus a long time ago (I have). What pissed me off, was that he just deflected that, and called me a queer living in sin, and damned me to hell anyway. Maybe he should read a little of that bible he was throwing in my face. When we walked away from him, I told him that I felt sorry for him, because I was certain that he was probably homosexual himself, and that he had to live his life in this horrible manner of self hate and denial. He didn’t say anything else and actually walked away. Hmm…

prideAnyway, back to the festival… We went back to our tent, drank and ate, and enjoyed each other’s company for the rest of the day and into the evening. As we sat in the scorching heat, we did talk about the reasons for pride, and we all agreed that we wished Judy could have held on a few more months, so Stonewall could have possibly happened in late September, and Pride could be held then instead. But, alas, June is when it is, and as such, it is why we were out there celebrating our ability to hold our heads high and come together as a community; showing the world that we are queer, and by saying it out loud, we are demanding that they take notice. It was a fun day.

donation flagSunday, we got out a little earlier, as James and I wanted to take advantage of the rapid HIV testing that AID Gwinnett was offering at their booth. I thought it was a great idea to have testing at pride, and we hadn’t been tested in a few years, so it was time. We are both negative (yay!), and there really was no reason to worry, as we are monogamous, but we still joked that we would either see everyone in 20 minutes for a day of fun, or we would just call them tomorrow. Well, glad that we didn’t have to walk down that road. After the testing, we marched over to the parade, which was nice, but way too long. There were definitely highlights (Baton BOB!), and I managed to take tons of pictures (again, on flickr — click here if you want to check out the set for yourself. James and I bailed before the end, because we were tired and it was hot. We then went back to the tent, and enjoyed the rest of the day. Deborah Gibson performed and was great, and we all had a great afternoon, just hanging out with friends, and being in the Pride atmosphere of the park. It was great. We stayed late into the evening, and then packed up and went home before the last drag performance was over.

By the time James and I got home last night, we were beat. I am still a little tired today, but I wouldn’t change a thing. It definitely was a Pride to remember. I am also sooooooo glad that it didn’t rain, because it is seriously the first pride I remember going to without a single instance of rain. And it was especially nice after having Pride rained out last year. Now I can’t wait until Pride next year; we all agreed that the tent was the best idea ever, and we will definitely be repeating that one. Hope everyone had a great weekend, and to everyone who celebrated, a happy Pride!