Most of you that know me know that I am very apologetic. I say “I’m sorry” more than practically anything else in my entire vocabulary. But, I have been trying to figure out why I do that, and I can honestly say, that I am truly working on it. I am working on not feeling so insecure, and instead focusing on how to trust that what people say is what they mean.
See, I was raised was in a house where what was said, and what was meant were often conflicting or totally different things. If asked, “Are you mad?” one might reply that they are not, but then show you that they actually are very mad; sending a conflicting message… one that this kid had no other example to learn from and translate into a way to interact with other people. As a result of this environment, I picked up a continual doubt and insecurity that people aren’t saying and meaning the same thing, and additionally, that there is something that I may have done which I need to apologize for in order to rectify the situation. I am constantly doubting if there will be a disconnect between what is being said and what is truly happening, and while it seems that I am doubting you, I am truly trying to find out if you really are indeed mad, or whatever.
Additionally, in my house, it was commonplace to be made to feel as if you were always doing something wrong, which led to this heightened need to please; hence my continual bugging people to make sure that everything is okay, and incessantly apologizing if I believe for an instant that they aren’t okay (thus taking much of the blame onto myself; and providing a need for me to apologize). I am working on catching myself before doing this, because for as long as I have been aware, it has been an unconscious response to interactions with other people, and many times, a detrimental reaction on my part.
So I will offer a final apology for incessantly saying “I’m sorry”, and let you know that I truly am working on ways to control that seemingly uncontrollable ingrained response that is ever present in my head. You’ll probably hear it from time to time, and I will probably still bug you a little about how you feel, in an attempt to make everything go right as rain, but just know that I am working on it, and it is going to take me some time. I have to reverse over 20 years of ingrained thought processes, and it isn’t going to be easy.
But I am at least going to try.
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