Since the debates are over, and we are on the last stops of the campaign trail, I thought that I would speak to something lighter, yet still important to my heart. Something that we all know must be addressed, as it has gone too far, and is certainly spiraling out of control. What is this I speak of, you ask? Simply put: Britney, honey, we need to talk. You and I need to sit down and go through some things, as soon as humanly possible. For you see, you have been left to your own devices, and it has obviously gone horribly wrong.
Now I know that many of you must be thinking, why did you wait till now to comment? What makes right now a more appropriate time than, say, a month ago when Brit got married for the second time in 10 months? Well, I will tell you. Simply, changing your name to Mrs. Federline is stupid. It is probably the most idiotic thing I have heard come from your mouth, and believe me, there have been several occasions where stuff has slipped out, or repeated in the chorus of a song, that we have just let slide. That’s right Brit, we let it slide. You know why we let it slide? Because we love you, you silly redneck! We love your southern Louisiana accent (hey, I am from NC, so if you think about writing me telling me I am being mean here, you should listen to me talk. Sometimes I sound like a corn-fed hick… just smarter =o). But seriously, we looked the other way when you got naked on stage to “sing” oops I did it again, because, really this was the 1st time you had done it, but we still loved you for it. We looked the other way when you told us that little Justin, Mr. Timberlake himself… who is now a thug and hip hop mogul, apparently (look for cross over album starring P.Diddy out soon), had been your first, well, at least some of us did; granted the mothers were upset, even though Brit was of age and consenting… apparently (come on mom’s let Brit do her ‘thang, she’s not a girl!). We were there for you when you shared a lesbianic moment with Ms. “The red string is for prosperity” Madonna, sorry Xtina… We were even there for you when you married that HOT AS HELL Jason Alexander, for like, what 2 and a 1/2 days. Next thing we know, you are in love and engaged (buying your own ring…hmmm) to a back up dancer (“she don’t respect herself… back up dancer, they can’t even get your backstage”… And lest you not forget J.Lo’s “dancing” in that territory?… Yeah, I went there) who has two kids… one of which, at the time, was ON THE WAY! Okay, okay, OKAY!!! We get it, you are a woman now… hear you roar. But… we love you anyway. But changing your last name from Spears (which might I remind you, helped you become the internationally known song stylist) to Federline… it doesn’t even roll off the tongue… is just ludicrous. It has gone too far, and someone had to say something. So that someone was me.
Britney… I am looking into your eyes on your most recent CD cover as I write this, and I am saying to you now… This has got to stop. We love you, and we want you to come home. What happened to that cute little girl singing, Baby One More Time, or even that fun new woman acting her way through her first movie, Crossroads? We want her back. I love your new cd, and I still love you too, but I need the madness to stop. You have your whole life to do this crazy “getting married and PREGNANT???” thing, so take your time. You have enough money to do whatever you want, so just chill. Think of what a baby would do to your sexy figure? We wouldn’t want stretch marks on our “Sometimes” girl, would we? I didn’t think so.
So in closing… Brit, I still love ya. I probably always will, but this crazy year is almost over, and you have the chance to calm down. Keep your last name. Just do. Women’s Lib is still alive and kicking, so it won’t be that big of a deal if Mr. Britney doesn’t give you his horrible last name. Also, think about how many other actresses/singers have changed their last names for their men… that’s right, keep thinking. You will understand. Anyway… I am glad that you seem happy, but do this for us, your fans. We want to keep you Ms. Spears, but we could settle for Mrs. Spears, just not Mrs. Federline, the step mom of 2. Got it?