I am probably one of the most self conscious people alive. I worry about what people think about me. I worry about how people perceive me. I know that I shouldn’t give a shit, but you know what, I do. In fact, I think that for some people, it is actually a natural reaction. Perception causes me to doubt myself more than it should, and it sometimes can be something that is so big, that I can’t control it. Take for instance my appearance. By all accounts, most people would say that by looking at me, that I am not fat by any accounts. But, when I see myself in the mirror, I see the opposite. I see myself as very fat and wholly imperfect. And it totally affects how I act around other people. Sometimes, I find myself (unconsciously) seeking approval from people in order to calm down my own self consciousness. I know that this can be annoying to people, but the fear that I am flawed outweighs my better judgement, and that honestly bugs the shit out of me. I try really hard to tell myself that no one is perfect and that I should just get over it, but, at least up until now, that has never worked. I guess that I am not really seeking resolution here by talking about this, I am more just reflecting on something that really bugs me, that I feel like I have no power over.
Today, I am going to a pool get together, and already, I feel the self conscious bug creeping in. Drinking at the party will of course make me forget some of that self consciousness, but it will always be there, making me feel bad about myself. Isn’t anxiety and self deprecation a bitch? Is it worse for people that have a history of being made fun of and ridiculed as a child? I sometimes wonder if things would have been different growing up, if I would still be so self conscious. I also wonder if the pressures of society, and specifically gay society, weren’t so high, that I wouldn’t feel that need to be “perfect”. Well, I guess I will continue to wonder that as I get ready to go shirtless for the pool party. Maybe people will focus on the tattoo more than the extra 10 pounds I am lugging around. At least, I those are the words of wisdom I will use to calm my being so self conscious until the beer kicks in!
Note: This is in no means a ploy to get sympathy from folks, it is seriously a airing of my thoughts. This is something that bugs me every moment of my life, and I felt like sharing it, because, well, it is on my mind. Anyone else have thoughts on this? Have any of you overcome your self consciousness, and have great advice on how to do it? I am all ears.
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