I just wanted to say a big thanks to everyone that offered kind words about my family woes, it is much appreciated. I am glad that when I wrote about something that was deeply affecting me, that people responded, and many even had similar experiences to share. I believe that is why I keep coming back each day to these internets and pour part of myself out onto this blog. I feel like I belong to a community of folks that actually do care, and while some don’t agree with me, others reinforce the idea that we are not alone in our opinions and situations. It is awesome.
To follow up on the whole feeling of being outside of my family, I wanted to address a few of the comments that were left, because they both resonated so strongly with me (not to say the others didn’t, so don’t get your panties in a wad, you are important too!).
First, PJS asked me if I had brought this up with my family, and followed that with the suggestion that doing so would probably better identify the problem, and hopefully work it out. While that is great advice, all I can say is that it isn’t that simple. First of all, I live in a family where you don’t talk about things or show emotion, because to do so, is a sign of weakness. To be human means that you are flawed, and once those flaws are exposed, people in my family attack you like a pack of buzzards on a carcass. This is a lesson that I learned the hard way, and I still find myself the ridicule of my family every time I am around them. I get criticized for everything I do, and even what I don’t do, so it is needless to say that there is a strong sense of avoidance when it comes to confrontation with me and my family. I don’t want to expose how I feel for fear of attack. I think that it may not be the healthiest way to deal with it, but it is honestly all that I have; so I make due.
Second, a few people asked/suggestively wondered if this was related to me being gay. While I don’t know for certain how they feel, they say that they accept me, but honestly, they show me otherwise. As a result of their actions, I can only assume that some of it must be because of the fact I am gay. My parents were pretty easy to come out to, I wrote them a letter, and they said everything was fine (even though they knew… which puzzles me that they saw me struggling, and never once tried to make things better by meeting me half way; but honestly that is probably similar to what I am currently experiencing), and said that they still loved me. BUT, they don’t want to talk about it. They didn’t then, and they don’t now. James and I go home for Christmas, and it is hard not to stumble over the large pink elephant in the room. They know, but it is almost like they don’t want to know, because if they did, they would call us and be involved in our lives. They would treat us like they treat my sister and her husband. They would care about James because of how much he means to me, but I honestly don’t know if they do. They say they do, but they show me otherwise, which makes it hard to truly believe.
Now, that kind of brings me to the last thing that people suggested, which was for me to keep trying, and never give up on my parents or family. But I honestly have to wonder; why should I? Haven’t I done enough? Aren’t my parents supposed to be the parents, and not me? Aren’t I the one that they are supposed to love unconditionally and accept? I know that means it would have to be the idyllic situation, and we aren’t dealing with one of those, but I honestly don’t think that it is expecting too much from them; especially considering that I have been doing it all of these years. What this has taught me, these 27 years of dealing with my parents and family, is that if anything is going to be done, I am going to have to do it. Honestly, the reason why I wrote the post the other day, is because I am just so tired of doing it, maintaining it, and seeing nothing in return, that I am just ready to throw the towel in. I feel like it would be less stress in my life, and I could finally move on, and cut that tattered cord. I could finally stop caring about what my parents think or do, because it has become apparent that they don’t seem to care about me in the same way. I am not saying that I hate them, or anything of that nature, but I am saying that maybe I don’t necessarily have to like them (thanks Joe! (my therapist)). Maybe I don’t have to keep trying, because as brett pointed out, you can’t choose your family, although you can choose your friends. Your friends become what your family is not, and luckily, I can say that I have great friends that are totally there for me. I love the friendships I have made (especially recently), and really believe that if I am not going to get it from my parents, my friends will more than fill the bill; they already are.
I guess I just want to end another long ass post (sorry y’all) with a thank you, but a confession that I have no idea what is going to happen, or even if anything will come of this. I felt 10000 times better after writing that down and clicking on the “Publish” button, but it also scared me a little that I feel this way, and don’t truly see how it can be resolved. Maybe we’ll work it out. Maybe we won’t. The future is an interesting thing, because it hasn’t happened yet. But one things for sure, I greatly appreciate all of the friends I have out there (both IRL and URL), and thank you for your kindness. It’s hard enough to bare your soul and air dirty laundry, but it is better when people understand you and make you feel like you are definitely not alone. Thanks for putting up with my long posts, and just know there will probably be more; now that I know it is okay to be human and express your feelings without getting attacked every time you do.
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