I am writing you this letter because there are some things that I feel that have come between us over time, and I wanted to both address them, and hopefully, start a dialogue that will help us to move past them. First of all, I want you to know that while I do live in Atlanta, I haven’t disappeared from the face of the earth, so the relationship that we once had is something I believe that we could one day have again; but it is going to take some work. It is going to take both of us working to ensure that we are respecting and caring for each other in a capacity that will be a a level high enough for maintaining and fostering a relationship. This is something that I believe we currently lack, and more than likely explains our current circumstances.
I am sure you are wondering where this is coming from, because like mom and dad, you guys tend to look at my life as being so far away that it is almost no longer visible. While things continue on the same as they always have for you and mom and dad, I moved away to Atlanta to follow my gut, to go to school, and I really ended up building a life here, one that I am proud of, and one I would like to share with the rest of my family. But as it stands, we are not only separated by physical geography, we are emotionally disconnected. I feel like the only role I have in your life is being the brother that is probably only mentioned when someone asks about me, or if for some reason I come up on conversation. I feel so separated, and forgotten, and this all comes from the cues and actions that I have experienced up until this point.
You see, I never hear from you. I know what you are thinking, “you never call me either, duane”. That is an easy excuse, but honestly, a part of that is true. I never call. I never call because I have learned from all of the times in the past, that usually, you either don’t want to talk, don’t have anything to talk with me about, or simply won’t return my calls if I leave you voicemail. Additionally, I feel as if our connection has been severed so severely, that it is almost as if we are two strangers trying to have a conversation about lives we don’t know the other is leading. While this isn’t the best situation, this is what I have come to know and understand as my family. My family, to me, consists of people that I see once a year, and hear from only when I haven’t called in a long time, or if something has happened (such as a birth, death, etc). Unfortunately, the main reason that I don’t call, is because every time I do call, either you or mom and dad, there is no concern or interest displayed about me and my life. All I am met with is guilt for not calling, guilt for not visiting, and a complete lack of interest in my life. I don’t know how else to say these things, so I have just been honest. This is how I feel. I am not accusing you of anything, but my feelings are real, and have only grown stronger over time. I will be honest and say that truly I don’t want it to continue this way, but I can’t be the only one that makes that decision. I am going to need your help.
First off, I want you to know that I am telling you that I feel this way, because it is true. My actions (staying distant, not calling) are merely reactions to what I have come to understand as the aforementioned description of “family”. I feel so separated, that I often feel as if I am unimportant, and therefore, not worthy of the time to call, write, or see. The reason I keep my distance and remain disconnected, is because I hear that you and mom and dad care, and that you miss me, but that is not what you show me. You show me that it is my sole responsibility to maintain our relationship, and honestly, if that is the case, then I have pretty much decided that it isn’t worth it to me. It isn’t worth the guilt and the pain that comes from trying to force my way into your lives, because you continually show me that it doesn’t matter if I am in your lives or not. Additionally, when I do come home, I am met with criticism and am often ridiculed, laughed at, talked down to, and made to feel like I have done something wrong, or am some how inferior. I don’t believe that you, or mom and dad, want me to feel this way, and so that is why I am telling you that I do. This way, we can move forward, and the way in which we treat each other can change. It can grow. I want to have a relationship with my family, and I believe that right now, I do not. I hope that we can change that, but again, I am going to need your help.
I am glad that you have read this far, and listened to what I have to say. While you are probably thinking that I am being hurtful, I want you to consider why I have written this letter. I want you to think about what I described that I was feeling, and understand that I have been hurting for a very long time. But I hope that can change. Please let me know if we can salvage our relationship, or if I should just concede defeat. I will always love you, and mom and dad, but I don’t see myself continually running after a train for which I seem to have no ticket. Again, I love you, and hope that we can make this work.
Love,
Duane
(FYI, if you are reading this, and going WTF? I just decided that I would write a “letter” to my sister, after she called me this week and gave me nothing but guilt and grief, in order to tell her how I felt about our lack of a relationship. I don’t know if I will ever send it, but if I decide to one day, at least I have gotten out how I truly feel, and I can reference that if the need should arise. Thanks for listening… perhaps a letter to the parents will be in the future.)
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