Month: July 2006

$275. For about 15 minutes worth of work. Where did I put that application for dentistry school, again? Jeez. Luckily I have insurance. But oh wait… it doesn’t pay for the whole thing, even though I pay like $20 a month to them. Thanks again insurance folks! And they say that we don’t need insurance reform in this country. HA!

Hope everyone else’s Thursday is motherfucking kick ass!!

Apathy. Most people think nothing of it. Some people fixate on it. Some people are controlled by it. I am one of the latter. I would have to say that while it has definitely waxed and waned at times, my apathy (which I now know is directly related to my depression) has gotten stronger over the last few months. Regardless of the activity that I am doing, or even an activity that I may want to or have to do, I find myself more and more controlled by apathy. Take this blog for example. I used to post every single day, and usually found that I had interesting things to write about. Then, apathy stepped in.

I am sure that many of you have noticed that I haven’t been writing that much lately, and well, all I can offer is a letter of blame to my apathy. I really hope that it subsides and possibly even goes away soon, but I can’t tell, and I can’t really control it. I have even tried; with no success. I find that this apathy is preventing me from moving forward, and it often times feels like my feet are stuck in cement, and I am so distracted by apathy, that I am not doing anything to escape. Thanks for listening and keeping up with me. Thanks for (hopefully) understanding why I haven’t been reading blogs and blogging a lot lately; just know that it has taken over more than just this aspect of my life, and is driving me nuts.

I want to get rid of this fucking apathy, but perhaps I am even apathetic to it as well. That makes starting to change a little bit difficult. Le sigh. At least I can focus on the fact that I have great people in my life that do make me feel good, and for that I am eternally grateful. I will hopefully be my fun self again soon.

(this doesn’t mean that I am going to stop blogging or anything like that, it is more of a reason that I have been so sporadic with it lately. Thanks again for listening!)

I am a very accident prone person. I always have been. When I was a TA in grad school, the professor I worked with, (my friend Kara) and I would have a little game each day on the way to class; we would see which one of us could make it there without running into something or falling down. Believe it or not, this was a difficult task for each one of us accident prone individuals. It’s amazing that I wasn’t hurt more seriously than the gymnastic injury I experienced when I was younger (ruptured disk in lower back); accident prone people shouldn’t be flipping around.

For the last few days, it seems that I have been having a few accidents. Saturday, and the pool party, the pool, as I discovered, is actually a rocky bottom pool; not a soft lined pool as I expected when I got a little too close with my face. So now, I have a big old scratch on the bridge of my nose. I didn’t hurt when I did it, but it looks bad right now. Drinking + Swimming = more likely to have an accident. Oh well. No harm no foul.

Then, on Sunday, I decided that a handful of chocolate Lucky Charms would satisfy my tiny craving for something sweet, and I tossed some in my mouth; only to chomp down directly on my tongue piercing and chip one of my teeth pretty badly. Now, I have to go into the dentist for the first time for something other than a cleaning. Let’s hope it doesn’t cost that much to fix. Speaking of which, the cost may determine whether or not the piercing stays in. Thoughts about that? I have had it since I was 18, so I guess chipping the tooth now (um, for the second time, same tooth, same reason) isn’t too bad of a track record though. Seriously, should I take it out, or leave it in?

Hopefully, I will not have anymore injury related accidents. And, I hope that my tooth fixing doesn’t cost a lot; the panic attack I had last week about money doesn’t need to come back. I also wanted to say thanks for all the kind thoughts about being so self conscious. I really appreciate it. I also found out yesterday at the doctor, that I have lost 8 pounds since the last visit (which was about a month ago). Maybe I will loose even more before the next one (in a month). One step closer to feeling better about myself!

I am probably one of the most self conscious people alive. I worry about what people think about me. I worry about how people perceive me. I know that I shouldn’t give a shit, but you know what, I do. In fact, I think that for some people, it is actually a natural reaction. Perception causes me to doubt myself more than it should, and it sometimes can be something that is so big, that I can’t control it. Take for instance my appearance. By all accounts, most people would say that by looking at me, that I am not fat by any accounts. But, when I see myself in the mirror, I see the opposite. I see myself as very fat and wholly imperfect. And it totally affects how I act around other people. Sometimes, I find myself (unconsciously) seeking approval from people in order to calm down my own self consciousness. I know that this can be annoying to people, but the fear that I am flawed outweighs my better judgement, and that honestly bugs the shit out of me. I try really hard to tell myself that no one is perfect and that I should just get over it, but, at least up until now, that has never worked. I guess that I am not really seeking resolution here by talking about this, I am more just reflecting on something that really bugs me, that I feel like I have no power over.

Today, I am going to a pool get together, and already, I feel the self conscious bug creeping in. Drinking at the party will of course make me forget some of that self consciousness, but it will always be there, making me feel bad about myself. Isn’t anxiety and self deprecation a bitch? Is it worse for people that have a history of being made fun of and ridiculed as a child? I sometimes wonder if things would have been different growing up, if I would still be so self conscious. I also wonder if the pressures of society, and specifically gay society, weren’t so high, that I wouldn’t feel that need to be “perfect”. Well, I guess I will continue to wonder that as I get ready to go shirtless for the pool party. Maybe people will focus on the tattoo more than the extra 10 pounds I am lugging around. At least, I those are the words of wisdom I will use to calm my being so self conscious until the beer kicks in!

Note: This is in no means a ploy to get sympathy from folks, it is seriously a airing of my thoughts. This is something that bugs me every moment of my life, and I felt like sharing it, because, well, it is on my mind. Anyone else have thoughts on this? Have any of you overcome your self consciousness, and have great advice on how to do it? I am all ears.