You know, sometimes, I honestly feel like I am drowning, but for one reason or another, I am just too lazy or unmotivated to do anything about it. And it isn’t for lack of trying, either. No matter how hard I try to break through the surface, I stay there, running out of air. I think of what is good in my life, and try to focus on how to get through that situation. I know that all I need to do is take the next step, and actually swim to the surface, but for whatever reason, I can’t. Something in me is comforted by the strange sensation of almost slipping away. Eventually, I do start to realize that I have to surface, but usually, I only come up long enough to get enough air so that I can go under again; and the whole process repeats itself.
That is how I have felt for the last year or so… drifting, treading water underneath the surface, unable to break out of my pattern of lazy desires and no actions. My friends and my partner all joke that I have too many irons on the fire to focus on one cohesive elemental dream to follow. I agree, but still I ponder those changes, underneath the surface.
Every time I come close to turning blue, I always manage to convince myself that things are great, that this is just a snag in the grand design; yet still I lazily tread there, waiting for something. It is almost like I know so much better than to do this, but fuck if I am still right there. I am not sad or depressed or anything like that; I am just not content. I am just numb to what is going on around me. Sure, most of my life fucking rocks, and I totally know and acknowledge every component of that; but when a huge component doesn’t rock, and you feel like you have been coasting for the past 3 years, then, it starts to overshadow all the good stuff. James and I are awesome, I am not talking about us. I couldn’t be happier; and in fact, I think that is why I need to fix everything else. I need to come up for air and get out of the damn water.
I need to do something now, and fast. I am going to use this as my motivation. I am going to use this to hold myself accountable. I have made some changes (still on the Abs Diet, yo! week 4!), but it is time to make some more. I have got to focus, so that I can stop this recapitulating cycle of numbness. But I guess my only trepidation lies in three simple little letters; how. Well, today is going to be about searching within myself to try and figure that out, and I hope upon hope that I can keep that going, because damn, I am in need of some fresh air.
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