I’d like to have a talk about little thing I call… SEX.

After my post on Sex and the City yesterday, I just couldn’t get the thought of sex and sexuality out of my head (no, not like that dirty birds). I also found it interesting, which totally inspired this post (in a way), that people tended to focus on things like ratings and revenue; rather than the issue I was actually trying to get at: why is the subject of sex so risqué for television, so much so that it must be edited to the bare bones, rather than just celebrated and shown? This is not to say that anyone that focused on revenue and ratings is wrong, in fact, quite the contrary; it shows me that you and I are thinking about the same thing, but looking at it in different ways (at least in this case). It also illustrates that we tend to look for other reasons than the marginalization of sex and sexuality, before we examine the taboos that we sometimes unknowingly abide by. But we’ll get to that, so hold on.

What I really want to know is: why is it that sex is so demonized in this country? Why is it that sex has been so demonized over time? Is it just the church? Is it just religion? Why is sex seen as something that is so dirty and forbidden; so much so, that we either don’t talk about it, fight against it, or make fun of it? (The resulting thoughts are actually a long post, so I do apologize for the length; but, it is a topic that I find very interesting, and I am very interested in your thoughts. If you can bare to make it through – it’s not that long -, let’s have a discussion, shall we?)

Looking at sex and sexuality as something dirty and forbidden, gives one the notion that activities that use sex and sexuality for pleasure or a sense of freedom or identity, are inherently more evil and dirtier than your “regular sex practices”. This in turn leads to marginalization of different notions of sex and sexuality, i.e. transgenders, sexually liberated women and men, homosexuals, and of course, the actual true sexual deviants (because the others aren’t sexually deviant, for those keeping score). I know that you are probably thinking, “hey duane, we already know this crap”, but I guess I bring it up for a couple of reasons: 1) One of the main reasons why we have an epidemic of HIV/AIDS in this country is because of this very real and identifiable stigmatization of sex; so why don’t we just cut that shit out and do what needs to be done?; 2) Since sex and sexuality is stigmatized and those that are open and more liberated about it are marginalized; more young people are susceptible to violence and suicide; so how can parents turn their back on their kids and treat them like shit, as so many do when they find out their kid is gay/lesbian/transgendered or just sexually liberated?; 3) Since there are kids out there that are gay/lesbian/transgendered/sexually liberated/etc., why don’t we embrace them and provide them with services they need (like birth control, prophylaxis, education, discussion, support, etc); instead of turning out backs?; and 4) Since we are so obviously able to recognize the fault in our nation’s stance and action regarding the previous points, why do we continue to backslide the other way, knowing that we are plunging into the past; while so many countries move into the future?

— now, I know that there is a “simple” answer to everything (religious right, conservatism, politics, etc.), but the point of this post is to look deeper than that, so take your hands off of the buzzer. I want to know why even those that do not necessarily fit into those categories have similar values and ideas when it comes to sex and sexuality; and how, if we ever want to change that, we are going to get through to all of these groups. —

I guess I just find it difficult to understand, especially as a gay man and an anthropologist, how we have taken something that has the potential to be so enjoyable and so wonderful (given the proper restrictions — ahem), and reduced it to something that cannot be spoken about for fear of judgment or persecution on some level. We have divided it and turned it into segmented issues that can be judged and prosecuted differently as different people see fit; always at the detriment of those on the receiving end of those judgments. How long will it take to finally break free of this bounded existence we all drag through, in order for sex and sexuality to have a healthy place amongst societal values; and actually be seen, heard, and even talked about by people, and not just through snickering, belittling, and dismissing? And better yet, will we ever?

I think about this, especially, because I was raised to fear sex. And I did for a long time. I didn’t have sex with a woman(!) until I was 21, so “technically”, that was when I lost the V, right? Honestly, it really didn’t mean anything, it was all pressure. I wanted to wait. I thought I was supposed to. I even felt guilt for several years. The first time I had sex with a man, which was a few years prior to the woman, it was a friend of mine, and it was something I tried for YEARS to block out; because it was wrong. It was something I wasn’t supposed to do, and therefore, I felt bad about it. I felt so much guilt about it, that I went so deep into the closet, it took me four full years to even begin to believe myself again. It took me four years to come to terms with something that was over in about 10 minutes. Something that I liked, but I couldn’t admit; because I was raised to believe I shouldn’t. Even when I came out, it took me about 2 years to finally feel comfortable sexually, both with my sexuality, and with actually having sex; and even still today, I always have that glimmer of a thought that something I like or want to do sexually may be considered taboo or wrong, just because I was raised that way.

But, the funny thing is, I wasn’t even talked to about sex. By anyone. Well, my Grandma once told me that, “If she’s not 18, it’s rape”. But does that really count? Why and how did I develop this “fear” and “internalized stigmatization” of sex and sexuality? Because the societal norms that were placed in me by my surroundings, by the media, by the church I went to, by my friends, by teachers, by almost everyone I came in contact with, were woven with these notions of the demons of sex and sexuality? True. Sex is bad, just because it is. I have never been one to accept this response, yet, there it is, and it always has been there, even if I didn’t really know it; and worst yet, there’s me believing it at even the tiniest level.

I know that there is no simple answer to all of this, but that is what discussions are for; what do you all think about what I have said? What are your personal experiences with the demonetization, marginalization, and stigmatization of sex? How do you see this represented in your life? Or have I gone batshit crazy? Let me know. Let’s talk about sex baby. Let’s talk about you and me. Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be. Yeah, I went there. Now’s your turn; grab the butter, baby!

Sorry for the long ass post… I promise to do some Jake Gyllenhaal/Lindsay Lohan related shit later in the week or something.