While my previous entry was about a beginning (Logo); this one is about an ending. I want to reflect on the series finale of Queer as Folk, and what it means to me (which is perhaps the longest entry I have ever written). Now, for a while there, I admit that I lost interest in the show, and ended up missing seasons three and four, but this show is literally what started it all for me. So perhaps, this too, is a reflection on a beginning.
The night that this show debuted, back in December of 2000, I was still a lonely boy struggling to find his way out of the closet. I lived with two people at the time: my best friend Margaret (whom I had known for several years), and my friend Dennis (whom I hadn’t known as long, but were still friends with anyway… shut up).
Dennis was a workaholic, and was hardly at home, and Margaret was working at a restaurant, which generally meant that I spent most of my nights hanging out, watching TV, and talking on the internet. And no, I was not hooking up on the net, but it is certainly what almost everyone I talked to, wanted to do; even though I needed emotional support to come out (which I know I should have confided in friends, but anyone who has done this, knows that isn’t so easy). So fast forward to the night when Queer as Folk was to debut. Now, we already had Showtime (thank God!), so I didn’t have to have the awkward conversation about adding it to our cable line up (“why do you want Showtime?”; “To watch QAF”; “why would YOU want to watch THAT?”). So I was all set.
Dennis was away, and Margaret was working that night. I had planned to set the VCR to record the show in the living room (the only room we had Showtime; damn digital cable!), and I would “be in bed” by the time Margaret would be home. She would surely not be home before 12, and the show would have gone off by then. What a plan, huh?! Now, I could totally avoid talking about why I needed to watch it, record it, etc.; and I would have it recorded to watch whenever I wanted! YEAH! To bad it snowed 9 inches the morning that it was to debut. WHAT???? 9 INCHES? (that is literally what I said, when I came outside and was greeted by all that snow). So now, I had to rework the plan; see, Margaret would be at home during the show now, so I had to come up with something. Some people believe that fate/God/whatever gives you gentle pushes to do things in life, but this was a freaking shove… down the stairs.
So, I waited in that house with her ALL day. My heart was pounding for about 89% of that day, and it only worsened as we got closer and closer to 10pm. I made the decision to request that I be able to record the show “for a friend in my class” by 9pm. My heart almost jumped out of my body, but I managed to do it. Margaret’s response was, “why would anyone want to watch that?” (hence the presence of the previous plan; see?). So after pretending that I did not know why anyone would want to watch “that”, I did a tiny little victory dance in my head: I was going to record it! And when the time came around, Margaret (unknowing that I was sitting there, gay as a hen) was making little comments (like, “why is he so gay”; “why does every guy have to be gay”; and “ugh, this is so gay”). Not mean comments, but little comments nonetheless. (Of course I know that if she had known, and if I had TOLD HER, she wouldn’t have made those comments, but that is all in the past).
So, as the show began, and the comments escalated, I made a choice: LET’S GET HAMMERED! (we all know that is a great way to get over something you are insecure about!!!!) So, as the show plays in the background, and we begin taking shots of whatever alcohol is laying around, we laugh and loosen up; to the point that several hours go by, and the next thing I know, it is 3 am, and we are playing truth or dare. Now let me preface this with one thing: I was hoping there would be more truth than dare, and since there were only two of us, there wasn’t going to be any juvenile naked dares (in fact there were only a couple of dares, and they consisted of running out into the snow barefooted and taking more shots). You see, the whole point of playing truth or dare, was to wizen Margaret to the ‘gay’ situation that I was trying so desperately hard to hide (but on all that liquor, not so much). Either way, it wasn’t going as planned.
Finally Margaret hit me with a doozie, and not the one I was secretly hoping to hear: “Have you ever thought that you and I would hook up?”. Now, while I love Margaret dearly (and she knows this very well), that is going in the opposite direction I wanted to go! So what did I do, naturally? Yep, I started crying. And so did she. I finally said, in a fit of tears, that there was something I had to tell her, but couldn’t, and she was crying for me to tell her, saying that I didn’t trust or respect our friendship, if I was keeping something from her.
And then, in sllllooooowwww motion, it just came out. Very quietly. I’m gay. And then Margaret looked me straight in the eye and said, “WHAT? Why didn’t you tell me?”, and literally stormed out of the room! So picture this, I am sitting in the middle of the living room floor, drunk as a skunk, sopping wet with tears, and she has just walked out after I revealed my deepest innermost secret. Naturally, I felt my legs go numb, and I thought that someone had hit me with a car. So, after 15 minutes or so, I managed to pull myself up and make it into her bed room, where we cried a little more together, before talking a little and figuring things out. All in all, she was the MOST supportive person that I could have ever asked for, but needless to say, it was scary there for about 20 minutes.
And this is why Queer as Folk means so much to me. Watching that first episode takes me right back to that night. From that night on, I came out, and my life was never the same again. I look back on what I went through before that night, and thank God that it snowed those 9 inches. That was the best thing that could have happened, because it forced me to do something that I had needed to do for a long time. It helped me to be myself for the first time.
Now I am not saying that QAF made that happen, but it does play a huge part here. It did help me do what I did, and it did comfort me as I needed it to. It played a huge part in that night, and has been something that I held close for the last 5 years. And now it is gone. So, I raise my shot glass to you, QAF, and say this toast: Thank you for the memories, and thank you for being there for me when I needed you. You were truly a good friend. And even though we may have grown a part for a bit, we were always together, and I was here to see you through the end. Just know, that you will be missed. (And, with that being said, there is a good chance that I will need to get these DVD’s!) So long Queer as Folk. Thanks for breaking ground, in more ways than one. To reflect on the words of Heather Small (in the song “Proud”, which was played in both the premiere and finale)– “what have you done today, to make you feel proud” — a whole lot was done that day, and for that, I really do feel proud.
Photos are from sho.com
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