Somedays, it is almost impossible just to grab that first rung and pull yourself up. Today is one of those days. A lot to do, and a big block of anxiety sitting in the way.
What happened to me… I used to be able to handle pressure pretty well. Well, I guess I at least need to reach out for the damn thing and at least give it a go.
Wish me luck.
What I want to write about today is something that may or may not be taken in the right way, and frankly, I am not going to let that stop me from saying it. First of all, while I fully admit, and own the fact that I am not the most secure person in the world, I try really hard not to let my insecurities get the best of me. I tend to be the person that speaks the loudest in a group, and sometimes, that makes me wonder if I am going a little too far, and so, I feel insecure. Sometimes, I feel as if I have crossed a line, and annoyed someone, and when my insecurities kick in, it has me apologizing for my actions, and trying desperately, to “fix” whatever has happened; rather than just believing them when they say that everything is fine. It is something that I am working on, and probably will always work on, but it is mine, and that I understand and accept it. The most important part of the insecurities I have about myself, is that I never let those insecurities turn outward, into hate, fear, jealousy, or disrespect. I never let insecurities that I have for myself turn outward on others in a negative way, by trying to mask my insecurities by making fun of others. While I don’t agree with everyone, I try my best to avoid picking on others, and especially, I try very hard to prevent disrespecting other people; simply because I understand what it is like to have insecurities, and more importantly, I don’t think that anyone deserves to be made fun of, either as a mechanism of covering your own feelings about yourself, or as a mechanism for making yourself feel better by degrading another human being. In the cases where I have given in to my insecurities, and used them for hateful and spiteful reasons, I find that I feel worse than if I would have just dealt with it myself. Picking on and degrading others has never made me feel better; nor should it, it is just plain wrong.
What I don’t understand, is how the perpetuation of hate, fear, and insecurity by degrading others actually makes people feel better about themselves. I truly believe that everyone deserves to be respected; and don’t take this in the direction of the governmentally appointed rights, because that is not what I am saying. I believe, that has human beings, we all deserve the right to be ourselves and have the respect of others; regardless if it is approving or simply letting us be. For example, being gay, I understand wholly what it is like to be hated because of who I am; but I honestly believe that no one deserves to be in that position, and most importantly, that the hated being directed onto people doesn’t have to exist. You don’t have to agree with being gay to not hate gay people; you can simply let it be, keeping your hatred from hurting someone else. But unfortunately, for many people, they feel better about themselves when they harm, insult, and pick on gay people. Whether this comes from fear, hatred, or insecurity (or all three plus other issues) is different for each one of those people, but it still surprises me that so many people can justify to themselves that disrespecting and picking on others is okay. Perhaps more importantly, I am surprised that they use disrespect and hurtful actions towards others, as a mechanism for masking their own negative feelings of themselves.
These people are running away from themselves and what they feel, by making others feel just as bad as them. They believe that if they pick on, and make fun of others, that when the person being picked on feels bad, it will will somehow level the feelings of hurt, and diminish what they feel inside. They attempt to take away some of their pain, by inflicting it on others. While many people do this all of the time, I just want to know; what is it in your life that you are so afraid of, or are so insecure about, that you need to hurt others to feel better about yourself? And, most importantly, does it really make all of those things that are hurting you melt away?
I ask this, today, because I know of more than a few instances where I have been the subject of someone’s ridicule for no reason, other than to somehow make them feel better. When I was in school, life was a living hell for me, because the entire school thought it was awesome to pick on me. I was an easy target, because I was obviously gay, and somehow, people believed that if they channeled their anger and insecurity onto me, they would feel better about themselves. What I have come to realize about people that do this, is that those people are really just afraid of dealing with their own issues, and so they point out and ridicule others. It makes them feel better. And you know what? That is really, really sad. I truly feel sorry for people that deal with this, and as someone who has been on, and continues to be on, the receiving end of the ridicule, I share in the pain that victims of these perpetrators feel. I feel disgusted and hurt when people pick on me, and my first reaction, is to lash back out at them; but, I have realized that doing that will not make me feel any better. What they are trying to do is cover their insecurity and fear within themselves, by turning it into hate, and using that hate on me. By being hateful back, I become no better than them. And I certainly don’t want to find myself being as sad and pathetic as they are; trust me, I have enough insecurities, there is no need to add more.
My main reason for me wanting to write this post, is partly to prove to myself that I am mature enough realize that being ridiculed and disrespected by things that people say and do to hurt me in order to make themselves feel better, makes them the one that is sad and pathetic, and not me. I am the one that maintains my own ability to feel good about myself, and it is strengthened by understanding that those people are just doing this out of fear and insecurities they have within themselves. I believe that all people, deep down (even you dave!), are good people. That is what keeps my hope alive for human kind. But, I realize, that not everyone is like me, and not everyone seeks to help others and build them up, but instead, for reasons relating to the views they have of themselves, that they have to hurt others to make themselves feel better. While I do hope that it makes people who do this sort of thing feel like a better person, I can’t help but feel sorry for them, because if that is what they rely on to make themselves feel better in life, they really do have a sad and pathetic way of living. I hope that I will remember and utilize this philosophy in the future when people decide that they want to hurt me or ridicule me for their own gain; because I will then be able to turn my hurt and pain into feelings of sadness and sorrow for that person, because they are truly the ones that are hurting.
It really is too bad that I didn’t know about this when I was in school. Either way, I honestly wish that this was something that all kids knew, and perhaps, with the knowledge about people on both sides, we can all come to the middle, and the hurting can stop. But until that time, there will be the sad and pathetic that seek out to hurt those that are already dealing with their own issues, rather than putting them off on others, and I have no control over their actions. What I can control, is I can realize and embrace the fact that, those of us that are dealing with our issues are the strong ones, and that we are the ones that don’t need anyone to feel sorry for us, because we are dealing with it, rather than using it to hurt someone else.
I was going to write another post about global warming today, because I seem to be in a debate with people that continue to believe that not only does it not really exist, but that we have no impact on what we do in the world. I posted one of the longest comments I have ever written on that post, and I am spent, so if you want to, check it out. I will write about it again soon, though, because I am just surprised that there are people that don’t think that anything we do has an impact on the environment. That just blows my mind. Seriously, we can’t all be ostriches with our heads in the sand forever, can we? I really hope not; especially since there is compelling science that shows global warming and climate change are happening more rapidly now than ever. But whatever, if you don’t believe it, I guess that is where you stand. I just hope you are ready for the consequences, or, I guess I hope you prepare your children for them, because it’s going to happen whether you believe it or not. I also know that I have been writing really long posts lately, and I apologize for that… for some reason, I have a lot to say lately. Now that I have that out of the way, I am going to post what I really wanted to talk about today in a different post (as to make it a little smaller).
So last night was the gay Olympics… I mean, the Oscars… and I spent the evening at a lovely Oscar party, hosted by my good friend John. There was a lot of booze, a lot of fun, and a lot of anxiety, as John had us participating in a Oscar pool for a coveted Target gift card. I actually fared quite well, as I ended up predicting 13 winners correctly (INCLUDING MY BABY JHUD!!!), which placed me in a 4 way tie with Barry, Rebekah, and Lisa. The shitty thing is, that John had decided that in the event of a tie, the winners would square off in Wii boxing… which happens to be the game I am the WORST at in Wii sports. I fought a good fight, making it through the first round and narrowly beating Rebekah, but I was crushed by the mighty Barry, as he claimed victory (and the gift card) in the end. I wasn’t sore about the loss, though, but for some reason, my jaw is really hurting today, and my voice is almost gone. I tend to get a little too excited sometimes (especially when my buddy booze is there), and apparently, I let it all loose during the boxing matches. I think it is hilarious that my jaw hurts, though, because I wasn’t even hit, it was VIRTUAL boxing! WTF is up with that? Anyway… Here’s a wrap up of the actual awards for the night, with a focus on my correct predictions (13 baby!): (The ones with the (*) beside them are the ones I correctly predicted, leading to my almost victory in the competition, for the night.)
So there you have it… that is how I guessed, and I am glad that I did end up coming in first with a four way tie. It is just too bad that I wasn’t able to defeat Barry at boxing… but no hard feelings, Rebekah said that she took the gift card. HA! Hope everyone had a great Oscar night, and a BIG thanks for John for throwing a great party. Can’t wait until next year!!!!
James and I watched An Inconvenient Truth a week or so ago, and the film was so fantastic and so compelling, that it motivated us to take action. We want to do our part to lessen our burden on the environment, and we are doing so, one step at a time. If you want to help the earth, please go to this website, and see what you can do; because even the small stuff can make a difference.
I am definitely going to write more about the movie, but I have been distracted lately, and haven’t had it in me. The film deserves so much more than a distracted thought process, so I want to do it justice. If you haven’t seen it, see it… and if you don’t believe in global warming and climate change, you MUST see it, because science can change your mind… or at least, I hope it can.
Our first steps towards changing our energy consumption, were to change out all of our incandescent bulbs for new, energy efficient compact fluorescent ones. Now, I know you make think that these bulbs are more expensive (because they are), but the energy you save by using them more than makes up for the price difference. Also, as a motivation to get them, if you go to a wholesale warehouse place (like Sams or Costco), you can get a 10 pack of the bulbs for only $10… that is a savings of over $6 per bulb. I am glad that we have taken this first step, and I know that we are only getting started in trying to make positive impacts on the environment, rather than negative ones. Go out and get your new bulbs today!!! Seriously, they are a hell of a lot brighter!!
Again, more to come about An Inconvenient Truth… Hope everyone is having a great weekend!! Go Green!
Hey, listen up, W.H.O., before you say things like,
Circumcision is the most potent intervention in HIV prevention that has been described.
CAN YOU PLEASE PUT THE INFORMATION YOU REPORT INTO CONTEXT BEFORE YOU REPORT THAT TO THE WORLD?????? The studies that were done on this issue were done in the regions of Africa where infection is the most rampant and there is currently little to no prevention that is working, so the findings from these studies ONLY APPLY in those areas!!!!!! Let me state that again, this study was done, and the findings that came from it, apply ONLY to areas where there is LITTLE OR NO other methods of HIV prevention available, and where HIV incidence is way higher than normal, and it should only be viewed as an applicable method of prevention in those areas!!! This should not be taken out of context and used in populations like the US, where it does not provide up to 60% prevention for HIV, and it is certainly NOT the most potent intervention!!! Again, it does not apply to anywhere but Africa! And should only apply as a last ditch effort when other prevention methods are not available, or are not working!!!!
This makes me want to scream, puke, pull my hair out, and scratch someones eyes out. Ignorance on a level like this is completely inexcusable, especially from an agency as powerful and knowledgeable as the W.H.O.. I can only hope, that the article where this is being reported (source) is the ONLY place that this insane level of misrepresentation is being told. If not, I certainly hope that people that hear this misinformation can be intelligent enough to realize that a cut cock is NOT enough to protect them from HIV; that is, unless they have NO OTHER method of prevention, AND happen to live in the areas of the world were prevalence is at its highest… See, that is the ONLY way that they could statistically come up with that 60% figure!!!! And I can almost guarantee that the people that will read that article, or hear that information ARE NOT the people that will benefit from this “protection”! I am so appalled and disgusted by this outrageous lack of proper reporting and utter absence contextualization that I could just burst.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE: Tell everyone you know that thinks this is true; USE CONDOMS!!! Circumcision certainly IS NOT the “most potent intervention in HIV prevention”!!!!! IT IS NOT TRUE!!! THIS ONLY APPLIES TO AFRICA (notice that ALL of the studies were done in Africa, but they totally downplay that by making such fanciful statements)!!!!
I really, really hope that by writing this post, that if I stop even ONE person from stupidly thinking, that circumcision gives them a 60% protection against HIV, that I have done more than I could hope for. Why educated and powerful people continually do things like this completely shocks me, as this is seriously the difference between life and death for many that will misinterpret this information, and thus, put their lives at risk for no reason at all.
I really hope that they realize what they have done in this misrepresentation of findings, and at least follow up in a manner that illustrates the severe lack of contextualization that is necessary when stating findings such as this; the public health ramifications can be disastrous. I am in complete and utter shock, and I just can’t even begin to express my level of rage right now.
I am all over the place today! So, in the spirit of that “all over the place” mentality I am currently afflicted by, I thought I would share! Why not, right?! I knew you would agree.
First of all, my car starting making a noise this week. Not a good noise either, it was a “metal on metal” scraping noise coming from the wheels. Shit. Of course, I am a proactive person when it comes to car care (I always get the oil done on time, and I rotate tires and that kind of stuff), so I called Acura and made an appointment for this afternoon. Turns out, it is something to do with brake pads and the rotors, and so I have to have the back ones fixed… the front ones are covered by the warranty for whatever reason. It’s going to be $165, but at least I have two things going FOR me here; the vibration and that awful metal on metal noise when braking will go away, AND, I luckily got my tax return money this week. So, I guess things could be worse. I just can’t wait to see how it drives when it is fixed, especially since they let me borrow a BRAND NEW RDX to drive while I am waiting for my car. That car is NICE, but really, the only thing about it I would want, is the MP3 CD capability, and the audio in jack for my ipod… my car doesn’t have either of those features. Other than that, I am very happy with Bianca, and can’t wait to get her back.
Second, to preface this next thing, let me start by saying that my tattoo guy had me on a stand by list, in case of a cancellation, in order to fix my ankle tattoo. Apparently, this was the quickest way to get in, because he has a massive waiting list (which is totally understandable, because he is amazing)… but I didn’t expect that they would call and be all, “um, can you come in tonight?”. Well, needless to say, I said yes, because I don’t want to have to wait that much longer; especially considering the main reason I went to Russ in the first place, was to get my ankle redone… and I ended up with a half sleeve!!! I probably want to do more with the sleeve in the future, but for now, we are doing ankle work ONLY. I can’t wait to see what he can do with it. The man is a genius with a needle and ink. The appointment tonight shouldn’t be half as painful as my last one (which was all inner arm work, ouch!). I just hope James isn’t too shaken by the sudden change of plans… he doesn’t deal well with that, but in this case, I didn’t have much of a choice. Oh well, I guess we’ll see!
Finally, my good friend Deb has talked me into getting a kick ass lens for my camera, because it is pretty much one of the best deal lenses for the Canon EOS cameras… it is a 50mm with f1.8, and it should allow me to enhance the bokeh in my shots (bokeh is the effect in the shot above, where the main object of the photo is sharp, but the background is blurred and softened… but this lens can make it much smoother and more soft). This is the effect in photography that I have learned, and one that I love the most, and I can’t wait to see what this lens can do, because the one that comes with the camera is pretty limited when you want to do more specific and advanced things like this; plus, it is a cheap lens (as I mentioned). I am completely loving this camera, and I am SOOOO glad that I got it. It was totally worth the wait, and I know that I am gushing about it, but I really can’t help it. Mama likes her electronics, kids!!! Also, keep in mind I waited over a year and a half to get this camera, so a little excitement is in order. Be sure to keep an eye on my flickr page, because I can assure you, things are only going to get more interesting. Well, at least I am going to posting a lot more… I have fallen back in love with flickr!
I hope that everyone has a great Friday (what’s left of it), and I hope everyone has a great weekend as well! Expect some commentary on the Oscars on Monday… GO JENNIFER HUDSON!!! WOOO WOOO!
Last night was our monthly meet-up, and we had a great turn out! I was glad to see 10 people show up, even though, most of us were the regulars… which is actually a good thing, and I wish we could add more to our regular APWBWGTTD line up. Fun was had, booze was consumed, and even a few people ate. We did have a good time, and I have say, that I am super jazzed to find out that Manuel’s has a non-smoking section! I didn’t know that before last night, but I can guarantee that it will increase my desire to go there for drinks and whatnot… I won’t have to leave smelling like a bar.
There were a few things that I observed last night that I would like to share here:
Well, that’s about it… I am sure that everyone else could come up with some stuff from last night, but I will leave it here. I had a great time, and I can’t wait until next month. Be there or be a gelatinous blob, bitches! The next APWBWGTTD will be on March 14, so mark your calendars now… I will send out an evite shortly. Thanks for coming out! (photos are obviously on flickr, so check ’em out, if you want)
Kind of different; kind of the same, no? Both of these things have people up in arms, and I just wanted to throw in my two cents; for whatever it’s worth.
Evolution:
Basically, the issue with evolution (this time), is that a local republican state representative sent out a memo stating that evolution shouldn’t be taught in schools because it is a religious deception that was derived from an ancient Jewish religious sect. Basically, his memo is stating that evolution not actually secular science, and is instead a so-called “creation scenario”, that is actually based on the “Christ hating” ancient Jews, and that it was written a couple millenia ago. Okay, let me get this straight, the Jews made up the Big Bang theory? Those crazy Jews came up with this myth to explain the beginning of the world and to explain life on earth, and they called it evolution?! Damn! They are crazy!!! OH WAIT, YOU DOUCHE, not only are you being anti-semitic (surprise), the Jews didn’t make up the Big Bang theory, and it actually isn’t a myth, it is a theory that is still pondered by scientists. You do know what scientists are, don’t you? They are people that use facts to put together ideas about things… and in this case, they continually use the facts they know about and learn about the world, and all of the stuff in it, in order to come up with a good idea of where it came from. See, the difference between a myth and theory, is that one is based on science, and one isn’t. Okay? So it’s pretty clear to me, and MANY others, that evolution is science, and is not a myth. You can believe that if you want, but leave the Jews out of it, okay? And don’t try to use this as your crazy Christian reasoning for keeping it out of schools, you anti-Semite!
Obviously, he denies writing the memo, but regardless if he actually wrote it or not, it goes without saying that people like this guy shouldn’t be allowed to have any political power; all they do is confuse those that are already ignorant. You know that there is going to be someone out there that supports this “idea”, and that is just one person too many. Also, to further illustrate his memo’s off-the-wallness, not only is he saying this about evolution, he also believes that the earth isn’t rotating, and that we aren’t actually going around the sun. I suppose sunrise and sunset are magic then, right? Ugh, people like this make me want to just bang my head on my desk and scream, WTF!?!?! The Anti-Defamation League is going after him, so I hope that he isn’t re-elected. If people like this make it into politics, that is one more reason to fear the government, right? Jesus.
Condoms:
So, NYC has a great idea; let’s make a NYC condom, and hand it out FOR FREE all over the city, in order to curtail the incidence of HIV!! Sounds good, right? It does to me!!! HELL YEAH!
But of course… “NO!”, shouts the Catholic Church. The Catholic Church came out against the condom, stating that you should practice abstinence before marriage, and practice fidelity within marriage to prevent HIV. (They’ve also preached up and down in the past about how condoms aren’t effective at preventing HIV anyway, which they are totally wrong about). Hmm… Let’s look at this from their perspective: perhaps 95000+ known cases of HIV in NYC, is evidence that they are doing such a good job of what you want already, that there is no need for something OTHER than that old abstinence/marriage shtick. Oh, 95000 sounds like a lot to you? Well, it does to me too! Perhaps what you are saying isn’t working? Oh snap!
Listen, if you don’t approve of contraception, realize that condoms do more than that, they protect against HIV! THAT is the reason this program was started… to decrease the incidence of HIV in NYC!! I am so sick of religion poking its nose in issues related to health; it is pretty clear that they have absolutely no idea that what they say and what they do actually causes more health problems. If you really cared, and if you were actually as compassionate as your religion dictates that you should be, then you would want more people to live life without suffering from chronic diseases; regardless of your views on sex. Free condoms won’t increase sex, it will allow for future sex to be SAFER sex… And that is a great thing. All I have to say is a HUGE Bravo(!!!!!) to NYC, and an even bigger BOO(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) to the Catholic Church. I would like to know: when are we, as a society, going to be mature enough to stop putting our heads in the religious sand and actually do something about sexually transmitted diseases, like HIV? We have got to get over this fear of sex, or we will NEVER get rid of HIV, and that scares me, because I truly don’t know if we are all capable of such logical thinking; enough to actually make changes and decrease disease. I do have hope when I see cities like NYC taking it seriously, though… Perhaps Atlanta will follow suit?? Come on you guys! Don’t be afraid of the church! They will get their panties all tied up in knots, while we all can have access to free condoms… it’s a win win, as far as I see it. Way to stick to your guns, NYC, and show your dedication to public health.
We finally took care of priming the beadboard, and I couldn’t be happier!! The living room looks so “New England” now, and I love it. Now all we have to do, is go back and paint it for real, and we will be one step closer. I hate painting, but I love the end results.
We are also going to paint the walls above the beadboard like a celery color, and I hope that we do that soon, because I really don’t like having projects held over my head. Oh well… at least we can enjoy the beadboard white; even if it is only primer!
Hope everyone is having a great President’s Day!!! Thank GOD for working for the government on days like this!!!
