Month: November 2006

all about me

dying to be thin… again

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I am not sure if I have ever really talked in depth about my battle with an eating disorder so many years ago, and my continual struggle with body dysmorphic disorder, but I saw this documentary the other day that got me to thinking, and made me want to reflect on some of my own experience with the subject. The documentary was called Thin, and it focuses on women that are at a clinic for eating disorders, and shows what they go through trying to beat the disease. What’s weird to me about the movie, is that the film maker definitely doesn’t take sides, and it shows how much blame really exists when people see someone suffering from an eating disorder. There was even one patient that was asked to leave, because she was seen as a bad influence. That actually shocked me.

See, when I was at the height of my eating disorder, which I will refer to as anorexia, but it really wasn’t (I will explain in a second), I knew exactly what I was doing, and knew what effect what I was doing to myself would have. I was literally killing myself to be thinner; but I couldn’t stop myself. This was a typical day in my life back when I was in the height of my illness:
– Go to AM classes.
– Come back to apartment, eat cereal (frosted flakes usually) with skim milk, and maybe a cucumber with fat free sour cream ranch dip.
– Go to afternoon classes. Meet friends on campus at one of the ala carte dining spots, but only have a diet soda, nothing to eat.
– After coming home from final classes, get changed and go to the gym. While at the gym, run 6 miles and do 4-5 weight machines, followed by sit ups.
– Have dinner at the apartment, usually rice with a veggie burger (fat free, of course).
– Do homework/watch TV, go to bed.

I would follow this routine roughly six days a week. On the sixth day, when I obviously didn’t have class, I would work out a little longer, if I had time. My life focused on structure, getting things accomplished, and order. I counted every calorie, and knew (and still know) how many calories are in almost any kind of food. I can still to this day make a pretty approximate guess of how many calories and fat are in just about any kind of food, be it fast food, or food that I prepared. I made sure I never had more than 10 grams of fat a day, and I made sure that I never went over 1200 calories in a day. In fact, that was considered the maximum for me, and I don’t think I ever even got close to consuming that amount. The 6 mile run would burn off at least that much, so that was where the limit came from. I never had a cheat day, and I was always conscious of what was being eaten by anyone around me. This explains why I still have an iron clad will power when it comes to food (even though, I have gotten pretty good at ignoring it lately). I can so no to any kind of food; all because I know what eating it will do. It will make me fat.

This is going to be a long entry, so I will cut it here, and put the rest after the jump. There is also a picture of me from this time after the cut, so if you want to see how truly skinny I was; well, read on!!!

Read more →

blog on blog

bad blogger, duane! bad!

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So, I feel like I have been a pretty bad blogger lately; basically, I feel like I have nothing to say, and I haven’t even been able to make myself read the blogs of my friends out there in the internets. Shame on me. Sorry, ya’ll. Some of it has been because of me being sick, but that’s not everything. c There has just been a lot going on upstairs with me lately, and sometimes, it seems that you get so overwhelmed with it, that you can’t even speak a word for fear of everything flowing out like a river. But, that doesn’t mean that I don’t care about the blog, or the people that read it anymore… in fact, that is so far from the truth, it doesn’t get farther. I want to try and be better, and will, but there will probably be some depressing/reflective stuff in the coming posts, so I just wanted to prepare you for it, okay?

I appreciate everyone that cares enough about me to check up on me from time to time, and follow my random thoughts about life and whatnot; it is much appreciated, and often serves to get me through some hard times. Knowing that there are people out there that care about you, when you feel like sometimes those that are “close” to you don’t, is actually a wonderfully fulfilling thing… it’s weird how we aren’t supposed to care what others think about us, yet sometimes, that’s all that matters. So, stay tuned, I hope to be reconnecting in the very near future with a higher degree of regularity. Love you. Miss you. See you soon.

venting

what are you thankful for?

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I am thankful that we were able to come across the ocean, settle here, infect and kill 99% of the indigenous population with our diseases, all to celebrate our survival and their demise with a burned bird and some stuffing. Happy thanksgiving everyone!

Sorry to be such a cynic, but it’s true, you know. Also, I had a run in with the fam just a little bit ago, which I talked about on my LJ, and will cross post some of it here. Here’s how it went down:
I just called my parents. I haven’t spoken to them since early September (that was the last time I called). Got a guilt trip for not being there, and not calling. Stated that they could call as well; got excuses (surprise!) as to why they don’t (which incidentally, all have something to do with me). Got more guilt about nephew that I have never seen (ahem, they have yet to send me a single picture of him), and was told that he would be in college by the next time I came (which, we are going up there for Christmas, and I informed my mother that I would bring him a “congratulations for being the first toddler to ever graduate high school” card). More guilt from dad, who thinks buying a hot tub is akin to paying for your heating and air to be repaired.

Now I sit here, rubbing my head asking myself this question: why do I do this to myself? Why do I give a shit about people that show me over and over and over that they couldn’t care less about me? Seriously? I am thinking about not going up there for Christmas really hard right now. It isn’t going to be worth whatever amount of money they will give me (which will be very little, because, you know, they had to buy that hot tub).

I’m just going to getting drunk. Happy fucking Thanksgiving everyone! Jolly times, as long as their beer and wine!

mixed media

why I bought a wii; and why you should too

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First of all, if you still don’t know what the wii is, it is the new game console by Nintendo. Now that we have that out of the way, I will start with why I bought a wii. When I hear that game consoles are coming out, I usually keep the practice of waiting 6 months to a year, in order to get a better deal, because all consoles invariably lower in price over time. But, when I heard about the wii, and it’s innovative motion sensor technology that is used to control the game, I was intrigued. Then, the you tube videos started pouring in of people enjoying the wii, and I was hooked; I had to see this for myself.

As the weeks got closer to the release, the more and more I reada, the more I decided it was a must have. Just seeing the tennis demo was pretty much enough, but there was so much evidence of its awesomeness, I had to get one. So, I waited overnight in a target parking lot to snag one of these hot consoles, and speaking from a little more than two days after securing the system, it was TOTALLY worth every second spent shivering under that parking deck.

The wii uses one of the funkiest types of controllers I have ever tried to comprehend, and while it does take a lot of getting used to for the more advanced games, anyone familiar with older consoles like the PS2 or the Gamecube would have no problem adapting accordingly, and should be enjoying the system and it’s innovation soon after their first or second attempts. What’s totally awesome, though, is that the wii comes with a game called “wii sports”, and while I usually have to resist simply throwing away sports games due to the high level of boredom that I find in them, this is probably one of the coolest games I have ever played; if for no other reason than because of the interaction between the player and the system. See, if you are playing tennis, you are PLAYING tennis. I played tennis for about 2 hours on Sunday, and even played with friends, and it is so addictive and entertaining. I don’t even really like tennis that much. I even said at one point, “man, I have never broken a sweat playing a video game before”. I was so into the game, in fact, that my arm is still a bit sore today. But that won’t stop me from a rousing game of tennis when I get home. (Or golf, or baseball, or bowling, or boxing… wii sports has all of them! I can’t wait for wii sports 2!)

Overall, I know that there are tons of people that couldn’t care less about the wii, but I am far from one of them. The wii is awesome, and I can’t wait to see what things are going to come out for this tricked out toy. I also fully believe that the wii is far superior to the PS3, simply because the PS3 is just more of the same; better graphics, sony-centric uber-expensive “elitist” software and hardware, and yadda yadda… but the innovation with Nintendo, and their focus on making games fun and enjoyable for everyone… not just hardcore gamers, is a big win in their column. They might just be the final winners in this on going console war.

Laugh at me if you want for waiting in line, and obsessing over my wii, but deep down, you know that I am cool, and you want to have one so you can be cool like me. Playing wii with my friends this weekend was one of the funnest dinner gettogethers we’ve ever had. Now, go buy yourself a wii-mote, and you can come over to my house for some doubles tennis, okay? You know you want to.

the catch-all-egory

believe it or not

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I am still alive, just bored lately. I don’t feel like much has been going on this week, especially with that site visit Monday and Tuesday.

I am quite obsessed with acquiring a Wii though, and that is pretty much 86.425% of everything I have been thinking about for the past week. I am obsessed. I must get one. I will be camping out in front of an undisclosed retail store tomorrow from mid-afternoon on, in hopes of getting one. Here’s hoping I will! If not, I am sure there will be tears, and rants on the blog; but hopefully, we can avoid that, right?

Other than that, not much is going on. I noticed that the Pentagon no longer wants to classify being gay as a mental disorder, but rather as a defect; you know, kind of like “stammering or stuttering, dyslexia, sleepwalking, motion sickness, obesity, or insect venom allergies”. Gee, thanks you guys. This isn’t backass at all. When will people realize that being gay is just part of being normal. You either are or you aren’t; you don’t get to choose. You can choose whether or not to express it or repress it, but you can’t choose to be gay or not. Normal. Not defective. Ugh. Gotta love this crazy, crazy world we live in, right folks? (source)

Now, I hope everyone has a great weekend. The tattoo is healing well, but is itching LIKE CRAZY. I can’t wait until it is all done! Now, I need to use my brain to get back to obsessing over the possibility of getting a Wii… this just preys on my anxiety disorder, big time. I woke up at 6 am this morning because I was even obsessing over it in my dreams. Here’s hoping I am not let down, and I actually can get one!! I will let you know!

Happy Weekend!

all about me

so I’m back

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I had a great time for my short stay in Philly. I didn’t get to see much of the city, but of what I did see, I liked. I am glad to be back home though, because I did miss my man and my dog, but they were sweet, and I came home to a sweet banner and some home-cooked meatloaf. I will post a picture of the banner later… it is too cute.

Other than that, I just feel like I am trying to catch up with a moving train right now, but the more I try to focus and put energy into catching up, the further and faster the train is going. Hopefully, that feeling will subside soon. It is also complicated, somewhat, by the fact that sometimes, when you are with someone, and you try really hard to meet all of their needs, when you feel like you need to meet your own, you end up feeling guilty about it. It doesn’t make sense, but it is still there nonetheless.

These aren’t necessarily problems, but they are things that cause lots of frustration on the part of the person that is constantly in a battle to maintain peace and order on the home-front. Sometimes, I just wish that there was an understanding that I like to go out and do things way more than sitting on the couch and watching tv while he falls asleep. Spending time together is paramount, but I also need the ability to go out and do my own thing, which is part of what keeps me sane and together; so is it too much to ask to let me do those things? I don’t think that it is, so long as I am still there; but I just wish that the compromise wasn’t usually comprised of me being the one that compromises.

I guess that’s part of love. I just wish that love would push a little more bird-feed to my side of the cage every once and a while. At least we are taking care of one of the three C’s (consideration, communication, and compromise): consideration. Now, if we could just nail those other two.

Cryptic blogpost OUT!

all about me

MORE tattoo

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So, the half sleeve is ALMOST done. I love what was most recently added, although, it was the MOST painful thing ever. Seriously, taking a needle (or nine) to your inner arm is sheer torture. Thank God for the Jagermeister!!! Here’s a photo (notice all the redness… ouch):

Now, I will have to go back and have the turtle colored in, and I should be done! Can’t wait!!!

I am going to Philadelphia tomorrow, and won’t be back until late Tuesday, so I won’t be posting anything. Hope everyone has a great beginning of the week!

venting

yeah yeah yeah

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I’m sure you want to hear what I think about the elections, right? No? Well, I will just say this; I am not surprised Taylor lost, but I am disappointed. I feel like there is such a divide with politics in this country, (his loss is a great example) and there are so many problems with both parties, yet we have little choice but to pick one to do the best that we hope they can.

Now with the Republicans, they tend to mobilize together, and often, uttering a single blanket statement causes ripples of unity and loyalty that bring the party together when representing and voting for their chosen candidate; even if s/he isn’t someone they agree with 100%. The Democrats, on the other hand, in my opinion, have lost the sense of unity that gives Republicans a lot of their power. There are so many ideas, and so many different issues, that no one person can fully agree with everything you support or are against, and if you choose to turn your back on your chosen representative because s/he doesn’t represent EVERYTHING you hail as the #1 issue you believe in, well, that represents what is wrong with our party, in my humble opinion. When we turn our backs on our candidates, which we are FAR more likely to do than the Republicans, over one or two issues, it makes us weak, and makes us divided. The result, is that we loose all the power.

Those that vote Libertarian/Independent, or don’t vote at all, yes, I understand that you are making a statement that you don’t necessarily agree with either side (and this is not a critique, nor chastising statement about your choice. I believe your choice is valid); but understand that often times you** are more likely to side with Democrats (which in my mind is the lesser of TWO evils), and by ignoring them to prove a point, the other side often wins. I don’t understand why our party doesn’t focus harder on coming together, and putting our support fully behind the person chosen to represent us; because the Republicans have mastered that, and are using it to win, time and time again. We were lucky to win so many elections last night, mainly because so many people are pissed off at the way things have been going, but without that anger, we wouldn’t have stood a chance, because we are so quick to turn our backs on our representatives.

The solution to this problem isn’t an easy one. Perhaps it would be more effective to have more parties, like in other countries, which would allow for more opinions and choices to be offered. Until that happens, which it may never happen truly in America, we need to decide which is better; standing behind the person that can hopefully do the most good, or following the words of organizations like Georgia Equality, that command that we must not vote for anyone because neither candidate supports gay marriage; when we all know supporting gay marriage in the south is political suicide. Do what you want, but I personally know that I will never follow the lemmings and (not) vote on principle… I vote for the person that can best represent me, because if you only have 2 choices, you have to pick the one that will do the best they can… it may not be perfect, but it can be better; at least I can hope.

And before you lay into me about how Republicans aren’t evil and blah blah blah, save it. I said that the Dems, IN MY OPINION are the LESSER of TWO evils. I don’t think that the people that are elected to represent us have half of the knowledge necessary to truly know what it is like to be American. You have to be a millionaire in this country to hold higher office; and those aren’t the people that truly need things to change.

UPDATE: enough people have commented on this, that I realize I did indeed write the wrong thing, and so I will clarify; what I meant to say, rather than Libertarians tend to align with Democrats, and should vote thusly, is that Democrats that don’t want to support the candidate, but abhor the thought of voting Republican tend to vote Libertarian. There. That should clarify that.

**this is referring to the above updated statement. Those “you”s are in fact Democrats that have chosen to vote as Libertarians, as was a carry over from the first sentence, but not necessarily correctly elaborated upon. Sorry for the confusion.

britney n' k-fed

OMG.

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First of all, I want to say, that yes, Virginia, there is a God.

Second of all, sweetie, there is also a Santa Claus, because he has delivered Christmas to duane early this year.

Britney. Spears. Finally. Filed. For. Divorce.

OMG!! I think that I just peed a littleA LOT, but despite the wetness between my legs, I think that I am the happiest person EVER!!! I am probably happier than her mom!!!! (I don’t know, I am sure she is elated). Seriously, I knew she wouldn’t desert her fans!! Thank you Britney!!! I never lost faith in you!!!

Alright, taking a Valium, and doing some breathing exercises; I don’t want to get too excited and burst into a gay blaze. Hmmmamamammama. Okay. Now, Britney, I do want to take a second to remind you that you have now set in motion your inevitable comeback… SO MAKE IT HAPPEN. I expect something fierce girl, and I know you can deliver. Also, now I can take that shitty “k-fed” off of my Britney category!! YAY!!!

Ding dong the witch is dead, she’s kicked him out, out of bed!!! YAY!!!

(link)

"pointless"

VOTE!

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Alright, now that I have gotten that out of the way, and since I am pretty vapid today of real thoughts (that aren’t feelings of hopelessness and restlessness) and don’t have anything constructive to say… other than VOTE, I thought I would share my results of this thing that I saw over at dave’s blog, and I have to say that I laughed when it gave me the obvious results: (the only part that is REALLY wrong is that I wouldn’t have a penis to hold, and that I don’t do well with the gays… um, don’t think so)

The Boy Next Door
Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDm)

Kind, yearning, playful, you are The Boy Next Door. You’re looking for real Love, a lot like girls do. It might not be manly, but it’s sweet.

We think the next three years will be very exciting and fruitful ones for you. Your spontaneous, creative side makes you a charming date, and we think you have a horny side just waiting to shine. Or glisten, rather. You enter new relationships unusually hopeful, and the first moments are especially glorious. If you’ve had some things not work out before, so what.

Your exact opposite:
The 5-Night Stand

Deliberate Brutal Sex Master

On paper, most gay guys would name the Boy Next Door as their ideal mate. In the real world, however, you’re often passed over for more dangerous or masculine men. You’re the typical “nice guy:” without just a touch of cockiness, you’re doomed with boys. A shoulder to cry on? Okay, sure. But never a penis to hold.

More than any other type, Boys Next Door evolve as they get older. As we said, many find true love, but some fail miserably in the search. These tarnished few grow up to be The Men Next Door, who are creepy as hell, offering backrubs to kids and what not.

ALWAYS AVOID: The Billy Goat

CONSIDER: The Gentleman, The Loverboy

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid – Free Online Dating.